Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Say That Again?

When the prison was built, they installed a loudspeaker system outside of each housing unit so that offenders out on the yards could be called back to their houses. They also use them to announce that the yards are closed.

What they failed to do, however, is make sure that everybody who used them knew how. The microphones are pretty sensitive and fairly cheap so if you yell into them or get your mouth too close to them, nobody on the yard will understand a word you are saying.

At least once a week I will hear a name announced over the loudspeaker and I'll think to myself "Surely that can't be what they said." I would hear things like: "Silas Mittens. Silas Mittens.. retrrr to hounnnnnyouoooooorooar!"

And I think..... Silas Mittens?

Today I hear them call for "Larry Stainbag". I had to go look that one up in the computer. Nope... Nobody by that name in here!

Once in a while I hear a name that sounds like it has no vowels in it like "Ttrbchk Drzbnk" and I have to look around and make sure I hadn't gotten lost on the way to work and gone to Czechoslovakia by mistake.

I hate it when that happens. The paperwork to get back sucks.

And once I'm pretty sure I heard them call for "Lord Voldemort."

That was scary. We got enough creeps in this place without having to deal with him.

My point is this: Back away from the mike. It works better when it is not directly in contact with your tonsils. Speak slowly, clearly, and in a normal tone of voice. You don't need to shout, the loudspeaker does that for you. That's why it's call a LOUDspeaker. Get it?

Sheesh. Silas Mittens......


  1. And all this time I thought it was because I was never trained by the DOC in 'radio' or 'speaker.' I ass-ummed everyone else knew what was being said. Just like a CO saying with conviction over the radio "1704! We have a 1302!", I thought that meant "Joe is doing a McDonald's run, who wants a Happy Meal?"

    In my prison, I think the call for Lord Vortemort is actually "Meet at the bar after shift, no wives or husbands allowed." No wonder no one was there when I showed up.

  2. It does seem that the radio is a little different that the loud speaker, we get all the Code 16s (Medical Emergencies) I have been there for over a year and I have only two true Medical Emergencies. With that being said maybe we can garble the radio up a bit We have a "Code arbyerment da!" This way, I will not understand and when I get there I will not be so disappointed when I see an inmate sitting in his cell watching tv and I have to ask where is the emergency? And all he needs is fingernail clippers!


    Lord Vortemort- I like it!