Friday, January 2, 2009

Self Harm?

An interesting topic came up in conversation today. We were wondering about the psychological effect of working around so many disturbed people for such a long period of time. I wonder if they had taken a psychological profile of me five years ago what would be different now.

I know I'm a bit more outspoken. I used to be rather introverted except around close friends. Now I'm more likely to tell a total stranger to go blow it out his smoke hole if he's bothering me. I've done it a few times and it's always startled me.

I'm more likely to invade someones personal space to gain an advantage. I was never really very "touchy-feely" with other people before. I'm not all that now. But I know now it sometimes knocks people a step back when you invade their space and it can give you just enough edge to sometime defuse a situation.

I never really was a violent person before. Sure, I've been in my share of scraps, but only if I couldn't avoid them. Now I'll dive into a fray without thinking much about it and grab body parts and twist them around until somebody squeaks. I'll think about it afterward and say to myself "What were you thinking?" My thoughts before were always "Somebody might get hurt." And now it's "Better him than me."

I've noticed my speech patterns have changed. I used to swear alot. I still do sometimes. But nowhere near as much as I used to. Especially at home and out in public. Out here I just say "snap" alot. People make fun of me for saying that. I guess it's from hearing so much profanity at work I don't feel the need to use it so much myself.

I can no longer stand to be crowded. People walking behind me make me skittish. Going into Walmart when it's busy can be a trying time. I'll usually just leave and come back later.

Are we doing ourselves harm by working down there for so long? I still feel like the same person. But if I was wearing a tinfoil hat and hiding baloney in my socks I probably wouldn't feel any different inside my head. I still think I'm a fairly nice guy, all in all.

But coming up behind me suddenly for any reason is not a good idea. If I know who and where you are, I'm okay with it. But if you catch me off guard, things might get messy.


  1. i used to swear a lot too.

    i've cut way back.

    a cuppla weeks ago, my wife said "shit" and my 9 yr old daughter picked up on it. she said "mommy, that's a bad word. daddy never says bad words"

    precious moment that was.

    not to mention i got to rib my wife a bit!

  2. You gave up swearing too, G ?

    Auntie swears like a sailor some days. F-bombs galore.

    And on other days its an Irish accented "jesus, mary and joseph"

    I promise not to sneak up on ya!

    (ouspolin)<--the common name for a sapling of a kind of variety of evergreen tree that in latin, is unremarkable in that I cannot remember it. So it's just ouspolin.

  3. Just stay the hell out of Walmart and you'll feel much better.

  4. You've stopped swearing?!?! How could you be soooo untrue to your genetic and cultural heritage?? Your grandmothers on BOTH sides could make hard core merchant marines blush. Have you completely forgotten your Aunt Valerie's skill at hanging most of her body out the window of her car to swear both verbally and with full gestures at an offending driver all while SHE was driving a car full of kids going at least 75 on the freeway? How can you turn your back on that kind of heritage?

    Your mother, may all the little cement gods bless her soul, is probably spinning in her urn.

    Though it does sound like you've inherited at least some of your paternal grandfathers ability to make full grown men piss themselves with just a stare. He didn't need to swear, he made other people curse after they'd escaped.

  5. Oh snap no, I haven't stopped swearing. Especially not at work. And sometimes I swear in other languages just to throw them off their square. But I think a few of the brighter ones are figuring out that "yob tvoyu maht!" is a bad thing to say and that a "vantz" is not a good thing to be. Someday they'll lock up a yiddish russian and I'll have to learn some new words. Or maybe he'll teach me some. I can already be awfully distasteful in spanish.

    Outside of work I'm not swearing as much, tho. I think I just O.D. on it at work.

    But I do tend to say "Snap" alot in Walmart. And I stay away from there as often as I can. Sometimes it can't be avoided.