Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Like A Big Dog

There was something about dogs today. I'm not sure what brought it all together but it all happened at once.

Sausage and I were down in front of B-dining patting down the offenders as they came out of the chow hall. Now, when the yards are closed and they are on controlled movements (like meals) they are supposed to stay on the sidewalks and off of the grass. Anybody on the grass is out of bounds and will get yelled at if nothing else.

Anyway, there we are pat searching and minding our own business when this inmate comes running back down to the chow hall across the grass and runs right towards us. I'm just about to chew him out and maybe even cuff him up when he stops right by me and starts babbling like he's gone completely cuckoo for cocoa puffs.

"Man, there's a b-b-big d-d-dog up there. I can't go up there, man. I'm scared to death of d-d-dogs, man. You gotta let me talk to Sarge, man. I can't be around no d-d-d-dogs, man."

He goes on and on for a bit like that. Stuttering and pointing and rolling his eyes like Scooby Doo when he sees a monster. It was pretty comical there for a minute then I'm starting to think maybe he's on something and hallucinating.

Then I see three women walking down the walk and one of them is holding the leash on a good sized golden retriever. And it hits me. They are doing some program called "Canines for Convicts" or something silly like that. Somebody thinks that learning how to train dogs will help the inmates cope with life or something. Or maybe it will teach the dogs how to cope with inmates. I dunno.

When the dog comes into view this guy moves closer to me and I'm beginning to think he's gonna wrap himself around my leg. His teeth are chattering like a pair of those wind-up teeth you can get in the joke stores and he looks like he's going to wet himself.

It was all I could do not to laugh myself silly.

I tell the guy "Just wait a second and they'll go past then you can go to your house."

He's still babbling like a parrot on crack. Hokey smokes. Even if somebody came down the walk with a ventriloquist dummy covered with spiders I wouldn't freak out that bad. Sheesh!

Anyway, they go past and the guy runs for his house like his pantlegs are on fire.

A few minutes later an odor hits my nose that smells just like I have stepped in something a dog left on the sidewalk. Phew! I check my boots. Nothing. But man is it strong!

I think "Wow! That dog must have really had to go! That's awful!" I see Sausage over there waving a hand in front of his nose and making a face.

Then inmates start coming out of the chow hall complaining about the odor. I step inside and can smell it pretty strong in there, too. Yuck!

It's like someone flew over us in an airplane and pelted the camp with fresh dog poop. We never did actually find out where the smell was coming from. We never found a backed up drain or anything to account for it. And apparently the one dog we did see never left any deposits we could find.

The only theory I heard that made any sense was from Sgt Uncle T. When I came in to work something over on the other side of the highway was on fire. It looked like a pretty good sized blaze and there's lots of farmland over that way. I'm thinking maybe somebody's manure shed went up in flames. he suggested maybe either the fire or the act of putting it out made that smell and it just blew over here.

Whatever it was, I hope it all burned up tonight. That was pretty awful. Bleagh.

So there was no real trivia involved today, but there was a bit of humiliation. Captain Jabba came driving up on his cart and when I stepped out of his way he hopped off the cart and said "Don't worry. I wouldn't have run you over. You aint no out of bounds post!" and breezed on into the chow hall.

Okay, I guess I had that one coming.

I wish he would have done that tomorrow instead of today. Tomorrow is Bird Day and I would have shown him my bird proudly.


  1. I have a healthy respect for big dogs but I've never seen someone blubbering about one like you described. Maybe when/if he's released a dog could be his parole officer?

  2. When you mentioned the smell I instantly thought you were going to tell me that the scared inmate had pooped himself. lol Guess not. I've heard of that whole dog/inmate thing. Not quite sure I get it.

  3. Just Plain Tired- The funny part of it is, when they move the dogs in, they are going to be staying in that guys house. Wanna bet he gets locked up pretty quick after that?

    Misty- I'm pretty sure he was close to doing that. Not quite sure I get the whole point of it either.