Wednesday, January 12, 2011

La Noche de los Ruidos Extranos

In case you were wondering and don't read Spanish (like me) that means: Night of the Strange Noises. I had to look it up.

In Latin it would be Nox Noctis Insolitus Sonitus.

Those things always sound way cooler in Spanish or Latin, don't you think?

It started off with our old friend Kermit. Always the source of a good laugh or at least a hearty roll of the eyes, our Kermit is. He's been with the department since Methuselah was in short pants and he still hasn't figured out how to work a radio or fill out any of the paperwork correctly.

Kermit always gets a radio with no mic so in order to answer it or call anybody he has to pull the radio out of the case and talk into it. It's a good thing he has never gotten into big trouble or needed help in a hurry. At any rate, when he does pull out the radio he holds it to his chest and talks rather than lifting it near his mouth. And nights like tonight when he's all bundled up for the yard, you cannot hear him on the radio at all.

Tonight I was out in the P-car and I heard him trying to get gate 12 open. I could just barely hear him and apparently the control center couldn't hear him at all. But Kermit's voice is unmistakable. He tried to call three or four times and then quit. I said to myself "Rather than speaking into the radio, he's going up to the comm room to get another one. Obviously, in his weird universe, the radio is the problem."

Sure enough when I drove back by, there he was coming down the steps sliding a new radio into his case. And I don't know if it was something wrong with the radio or something he was doing, but every time he keyed that thing up it sounded like someone was strangling a baby or a small cat. Or maybe the radio was haunted with the spirit of a banshee.

Either way it was extremely annoying.

Hilarious, but annoying.

Later on in the evening I went to do my security check of the Admin building and when I walked in I heard this odd cacophony coming from the top floor. It sounded like someone was trying to play the drum solo from "Inna Gadda Davida" with two hammers on a pile of scrap metal.

Thinking maybe maintenance was up there working on something, I trotted up the stairs.

And the freaking noise stopped.

And there wasn't a soul up there.

I kept looking around to see if Rod Serling was waiting in the wings somewhere.

Stupid haunted buildings.

Then just as I was leaving it started up again. Turns out it was the steam running through the old radiators up on the third floor. It would come and go in cycles.

There's two radiators up there. One was going "chucka chucka bing!" And the other was going "wompita wompita boom boom!"

It was kind of a cool noise and had a good beat to it and I'm really happy I don't have an office in that building. That would drive me completely batsh*t. Maybe it was the ghosts of those Fabulous Wild Men who were having a feast today. I dunno.

Tomorrow should be a doozy. It's Make Your Dream Come True Day and Blame Someone Else Day.

The second part of that is every day working at the prison. And the first part has absolutely nothing to do with working at the prison.

Maybe I'll dream about winning the lottery and blame someone else when I don't.