Thursday, May 28, 2009

Dinner And A Show

Well, the entree' du jour was nasty state food so I ate my chicken sandwich instead. And I'm pretty glad I wasn't eating while the show was going on.... but still the concept is the same.

Ladies and gentlemen and children of all ages! We have a new poop boy in the house! Let's all give him a big hand... isn't he wonderful?

Luckily, he decided to do his interior decorating on midnight shift. So they got the pleasure of dealing with the cleanup. And it spilled over onto day shift so they wouldn't feel left out. Wasn't that thoughtful?

We have a monitor in the office so we can see what is going on in the suicide cells at any given time and the bubble officer can blow up certain cells so we can see better. We just refer to it as "Channel Five".

This new knucklehead is someone I had never seen before. He came down on suicide watch a couple of days ago and has been trying out different acts. I'll have to poll the crew and come up with a name for him.

Last night he laid down on his bunk and started trying to do a headstand. Next thing we knew he had flipped his feet up over his head, grabbed both of his ankles and started doing something we couldn't see very clearly but was implied pretty strongly. I guess the phrase "To thine own self be true" would apply. He seemed to be enjoying it, anyway.

I've never tried it, but I'm fairly certain that I am nowhere near that limber. And the question always arises...... "If you could do that, would you???"

No, I don't think so. Just.............. no.

It's not like we haven't seen that sort of thing before. TNT was pretty skilled in the self pleasuring arts himself. And there have been others. It's old hat by now. And alot of this guy's act seems as if he's trying out different things to shock us.

I got some bad news for him. There just isn't much we haven't seen already on Channel Five. Every imaginable bodily excretion, every act of self destruction or self pleasure. If he came up with something new, I'd be shocked.

Maybe someone should tell him that. Just go up to the cell door and say "Dude. We've seen all of that stuff before. We aren't shocked. We aren't disgusted. We're not even mildly surprised. At best we are somewhat amused. If you are trying to act crazy you're going to have to do much better than that. Give it up, quit wasting my time and get the snap out of my house. I've got better things to do."

Hell, it might work. Maybe he'll give up and lay down for awhile.

I hope so. I'm not in the mood for any gymnastics or silliness today. The bastards made me run last night again. Up-snapping-hill, of course. And I didn't even get to hurt anybody when I got there. I sure wanted to by then, believe me. I'm getting too old for this crap.


  1. 5 at my house is no where as interesting.

  2. A new Poop Boy!!!! And he's a "bendable" one at that?? Might I suggest "Gumby" as an appropriate acronym...

  3. Maybe you guys should flash him a score like they do at the Olympics....

  4. Tango- Channel five is great if you aren't eating anything. I try not to even look up at the monitor while I eat. Someone will say "Holy snap, look at that!" and i'll just hold up a hand and say "Not til I'm done, thank you."

    Peggy Sue- You get the grand prize for the Name The Knucklehead Contest! Henceforth his name shall be Gumby.

    Splash- We do rate them, but only among ourselves. We really don't want to encourage them. That just creates a mess.