Friday, November 25, 2011

That Prison Sense Of Humor

I've talked off an on about the twisted sense of humor we have here. It's pretty bad and the longer you stay here the worse it gets.

I don't "really" mention most of the things that we find hilarious. For one thing, I don't use that kind of language here. The second reason is that I don't want to lose all of my readers.

Let's just say we are some sick twisted swine and leave it at that, shall we?

So the other night I was discussing getting together a packet for the promotion board with a friend of mine and I mentioned that I needed to get at least a couple letters of recommendation to put in there. Peggy Sue said I needed at least three and she's right. If you can't get at least three people to admire you enough to write letters, then you probably aren't going to get promoted.

My friend offered to write me a letter and I said that I appreciated that and thanked him in advance. And this evening when i got a chance to check my email there it was. Very professional sounding and well written and make me sound like an all around good Joe. It was almost a little embarrassing to read, but that what letters of recommendation are for, right? I smiled and printed it out and sent him a reply, thanking him for his effort. And that letter is going into my packet for the board.

Not long after that the phone rings and an anonymous voice says "There's another letter coming out of your printer for you." And sure enough, there was.

This one, however, was a letter of "Un-recommendation". It started out with "Seriously, are you people completely out of your collective minds?"

It goes on to say what a horrible train wreck of an officer I am, my lack of professional knowledge and demeanor and my ability to "lose control of any given situation." There's quite a catalog of all of my failings and goes on to state that I would be "An absolutely piss-poor candidate for promotion to the rank of COII."

But the last line was the very best: "Taking all of that into account, perhaps he is more qualified for the position of Captain."

I hadn't laughed like that in quite some time. I actually had tears in my eyes by the time I was done reading.

The whole thing had been written anonymously, of course. But I was pretty sure I knew who the culprit was and called back to thank him again for making my night.

It was twisted and awful and horrible (and only partly true) and it left a smile on my face for the remainder of the evening.

Thank you again, my anonymous friends, whoever you are.

And now that I got a bit of sleep last night I think I can get back to posting the calendar again.

Saturday: Shopping Reminder Day, International Aura Awareness Day, National Cake Day and the day of Saint Pope Peter of Alexandria.

Sunday: Pins And Needles Day, National Day of Listening, National Bavarian Cream Pie Day and the day of St. Severinus.

Monday: Make Your Own Head Day, Cyber Monday, National French Toast Day, and the Feast of St. Rufus and His Companions.

Aura awareness? Hmm....


  1. Darev2005, I don't know why I haven't discovered your blog until now (I actually do know why: I'm a clueless idiot), but I love it. Your last entry, about the letters of recommendation, is hilarious. I have great respect for prison guards because I have dealt with them. This link, which connects to a column I wrote in 2009 about going to Rikers Island, tells why:

  2. You couldn't just past a copy of the letter so we could read it ourselves and laugh?


  3. Was that picture at the beginning one of the letters of recommendation?

    Seriously, that picture alone made my morning. I had to stop laughing long enough to read the rest of the post.

  4. I love that note at the beginning of your post! What, pray tell, is make your own head day? Does one construct one's own toilet or build one's own noggin?

  5. Jerry- I'm glad you found me and I'm glad you liked what you saw. I read your article on going to Rikers. I'd be nervous walking into that place, myself.

    Chanel- I'll put it up, after the interviews. I promise!

    Bryan- I laughed for several minutes when I found it. That was hilarious.

    Lolamouse- From what I can tell, you make a new head for yourself out of whatever medium you desire. Paint, pencil, paper mache, etc. Even things that don't start with "P".