Tuesday, April 3, 2012

We Brought The Rain

Tonight we had both attitude and pepper spray and we made generous use of both.

Old school style.

I was scheduled to be in 9 house this evening, but I got pulled down to the Hive instead. Joy.

My crew was getting things done and I didn't have much to do other than the usual paperwork and I was looking forward to kind of a boring Friday night. My Friday, anyway. And in the beginning, that's what it was.

Until a little after six when I got a radio call from Slick to come to C-wing. He and Jabber are outside a cell and say that the offender inside is "unresponsive." Meany came in with me and we try shouting through the chuck hole and Slick says they kicked the hell out of the door trying to get him to respond and nothing. Sure enough, the inmate is laying on the bunk, seemingly unconscious.

So I get on the radio and call a Code 16 (medical emergency) for unresponsive. Then we open the door and go in. I get out my flashlight and shine it in his face and I see his eyes move. Slick says "He's smiling."

**sigh** Oh, snap.

I tell him several times to sit up and put cuffs on so the nurse can look at him when he comes in. He raises his head and babbles some nonsense and lay his head back down again. I tell him again and I can see him tense up and I say "Sit up and cuff up, now. If you move funny I will spray you. Roll over now!" And by this time I had my spray in my hand.

This idiot jumps up off of the bunk and says "Bring it on, Motherfuc*er!" and balls up his fists like he's going to swing.

Okey dokey. I raise the can and give him a blast full in the face. The fool opens his mouth like it's water so I obliged and a good portion of the spray shot right into his mouth.

Well, unfortunately when it went into his mouth it shot all over the place, including all over me, Slick and Meany. I think Meany got it right in the face.

We grabbed hold of him as he was about to swing at us and took him into the corner and tried to get cuffs on him. I'll give him this, he is strong and wiry.

I tried to call a 10-5 (officer needs assistance) on the radio but apparently it didn't go out so nobody heard me and nobody responded. Such lovely equipment we have here.

At any rate we got cuffs on him and took him down to the floor. And since he was still fighting and thrashing around, he banged his face on the heater vent on the way down and cut his forehead open. We get leg irons on him and finally the Lt shows up and sees Jabber outside the cell coughing and says "What's going on? Was it a fight?" He replies "No. It was a 10-5. Didn't you hear it?" He hadn't.

By this time the fight has gone out of the guy and he crying "Oh lord help me! I'm dying! Help me!" And by the time the nurse gets there, thinking it's just an unresponsive call and expecting to find him unconscious, she is a little appalled when she finds a cell full of pepper spray and an inmate covered in blood.

They end up taking him out to the Emergency Room to get about twenty stitches in his head while we go up to Central to do the paperwork. Three of us were spattered in blood and pepper spray. Lt Wyatt has us take off our shirts and he sends them up to medical to get them washed while we washed off the best we can and do the paperwork.

Luckily between the new Warden and the new Major our Use of Force paperwork is much easier to do now. They don't want every little detail. They just want the facts of what happened, short and sweet. Once we got a basic timeline of events down, it went smooth as silk.

It was a night just like the Good/Bad Old Days. Back when we used to do that sort of thing two or three times a week. I looked back in my files and I hadn't sprayed anybody in over two years, almost three. Seems like forever ago.

But it sure brought back some memories.

Especially when I got home and got in the shower and all of that pepper spray washed back out of my hair and set me on fire all over again. My arms and forehead and the back of my neck are burning like crazy right now.

Yeah. I don't miss that part so much.

But maybe that knucklehead will lay down and behave himself for a few days at least. If he does, it will be worth it.

If not.... Well, there are still a few of us who remember what "Old School" means. And if we have to, we can do it all over again.


Wednesday is going to be Tell-A-Lie Day (Don't do it! It's a trick!), Square Root Day, Vitamin C Day and National Cordon Bleu Day.

Thursday will be Go For Broke Day, National Deep Dish Pizza Day, National Have Fun At Work Day (that would have been totally ironic today) and National Caramel Day.

And Friday will be Sorry Charlie Day, National Walk To Work Day (seven miles? Umm.. no), Tartan Day, Teflon Day and National Coffee Cake Day.

Feel the burn! Hoo-ahh!


  1. I really should have added in there that we tried our best to keep him from getting hurt, but it seemed he was determined. We didn't bang his head on the heater. He did that himself. We did try....

  2. Good Lord, that had to be a chilling moment when you saw that he was smiling. "Oh Snap" indeed.

    1. Bryan- Yeah. I though "Oh boy. Here we go!" I was right.

  3. With all the tech we have, surely someone could come up with a better targeting system for the spray. I mean, i get that its a spray and it, by nature, does what its name so accurately expresses, but everyone getting sauced up seems to be more of a deterrent than an assistant for the narlies. Good to see you made it out without more roughing up.

    Personally, one of your should have kicked him in the nads a little while he was down. I just don't get humanitarian treatment to animals who will take your life without thinking another second about it. Stupid laws.

    1. Scott- There's a spray foam that works better, sticks more and doesn't spatter as much but it's more expensive so we won't get it.

      If I thought that my life or that of another staff member was in danger then the gloves would have come off. And his nads would have probably come off as well.

  4. heh .. (nah, am not a 'practitioner' just like the you write this) ...
    Cheers .....

    1. Davoh- Glad you liked it. This is just the way I think, mostly.

  5. Hahahahahahaha like the time the guy flew into the window. Good old days!!

    1. TJ- They mentioned that at central, too. Lt Wyatt said "Revvy don't play. he breaks windows with people. He just don't play."

      It's a hard rep to live up to sometimes.

  6. YAY! Old School! I need to bid out. Meanie and I are the terror twins any other time.

    1. Vinnie- You two would be a handful but indeed handy to have around. The only problem is you both have that same slightly nauseating reaction to pepper spray...


  7. Man. That's just downright scary.