Monday, April 9, 2012


"You ever have one of those moments where you lean back too far in a chair and almost fall but catch yourself at the last moment? I feel like that all the time."
-Steven Wright

And that was kind of how I felt today. Things just kept catching me off guard.

Maybe I'm not getting enough sleep.

Came in today and Lt Sienna says "Hey Rev! You're an FTO (Field Training Officer), right? I'm sending you an OJT to train this evening!"

Really? Okay.

My OJT wanted to go through central to get her boots shined so I followed to make sure she knew where 10 house was. When I got there Lt Chipmunk catches me and says "Hey! Would you go out and relieve Sgt Earl on the yard so he can leave? Just til Uncle T shows up later."

Really? Okay.

So I go out to the yard and relieve and no sooner than I do that than the control center calls over the radio and says "Return all inmates to their housing units immediately and prepare for count!"

Really? Okay.

The OJT (who turned out to be a fairly nice lady and smart as well) shows up and says "So, what's going on?" I shrugged.

"I have absolutely no idea. Looks like we are having an emergency count."

That's why they made me an FTO, you know. I got all the answers.

Sgt Uncle T gets there and he takes the yard over and I take my OJT in tow and head for the house just as count clears. We have just enough time to drop our stuff before we head over to feed the little knuckleheads chow.

Right before the last of them get over to the chow hall, Bolly calls me on the radio and tells me to call him on the phone. He says he has one in the house in handcuffs.

Really? Okay.

By this time I'm getting kind of tired of that. You might have guessed. The knucklehead starts running his mouth as soon as I walk in the door.

"Hey! Sarge or Lieutenant or Captain or whoever you are...."

I look down at my shirt. The badge very clearly says "Sergeant" and there are two very shiny brass Sergeants stripes on my collar. I'm thinking "Now here's a Nobel Prize winner!"


"Is he allowed to call me stupid and then tell me to shut up whenever he wants to?"

"Yup. Pretty much."

"Man! I been locked up five years. He can't talk to me like that."

"Yeah." I said. "I'm pretty sure he can." He keeps on mouthing and I walk away.

Bolly tells me he called them to line up for chow and when he walked into the wing this young idiot was still laying on his bunk. Bolly said "I told you to line up! Are you deaf or stupid or what?"

The idiot started running his mouth and seconds later he was in cuffs.

So I call Lt Wyatt and tell him we're locking one up. By this time the rest of the house is coming back from chow. Lt Wyatt says "We are fixing to have another count at the usual time. So hold him there until it clears."

Really? Okay.


So I have to run upstairs and help count and then back downstairs to read the violation to this idiot before they take him to the Hive.

And he is still running his mouth. By this time I am getting just irritated enough that I am ready to escort him personally. And that wouldn't have been a fun walk for him by that point. It's at least a quarter of a mile between 10 house and the Hive and lots and lots of concrete between here and there....

But I took a deep breath and said "Yeah, whatever. Here's your violation." Then I had Miz Pieces escort him out with the OJT following to observe.

And I was done with him.

Luckily the rest of the evening went as planned and I wasn't caught by surprise anymore.

That was starting to really get under my skin.

And that poor OJT barely even saw me at all tonight. I got to spend a few minutes checking her off on some of the stuff she learned from Tibia and Bolly and Meatball and signed her book.

She probably thinks we're all nuts.

Tuesday is going to be Golfers Day, One day Without Shoes Day, Safety Pin Day and National Cinnamon Croissant Day.

I wouldn't try golfing without shoes if I were you. That might sting a bit.


  1. Replies
    1. Bryan- If they could, I'd be out of a job. Count my blessings, right?

  2. Fun With Acronyms: OJT Official Joke Teller, Outrageously Jealous Teenagers, Orange Juice Tasters, Officer's Jousting Teacher (This one sounds like fun) Ousting Jewish Theorist, Ominous Japanese Technology. Ok, I'll stop.

    Those damn Golfers, pooling their retirements together to buy their own day. Bastards.

    1. Guess Who- Officer's Jousting Teacher. That's the one. How did you guess?

  3. Well, if she thinks we're all nuts then you've taught her something valuable without even meaning to, right?

    1. Coupe- I think it was the most important lesson of the night.