Monday, August 1, 2011

Blogging To The Oldies Pt 1

The DaDimwit Code

Ok, Since you've asked for it. Guy and BA (whom I hope never meet or civilization is doomed) have deviled and chivvied me into revealing a deep deep secret. Never before have these secrets been revealed to the general public.
Not since the dawn of time itself have these words been put on paper for the common man to read. Usually kept deep in a locked vault four miles beneath Ft. Detrick, Maryland I have at great personal peril and expense brought to you:


Baby- An inmate who gives out or sells sexual favors. Usually "run" by a Daddy (who takes a large percentage of whatever the baby brings in.)

Baking A Cake- Getting it on. One way or another or sometimes both. Taking one for the home team. Often referred to as "Hoo boy! He's gettin' wallered out!" And the cell or place where it is happening is often referred to as The Betty Crocker Institute. I could have gone my whole life without seeing (or even writing) that.

Beat- Nothing coming. "You're beat. Go kick rocks."

Block- Where you from. Your crib. Where your homies hang.

Bullets- Not like they sound. Usually tightly packed packages of tobacco, lighters, papers and notes, often hidden in uncomfortable places. Made so they can be smuggled in to places where they aren't supposed to be, like the Adseg unit. I would imagine it's uncomfortable, anyway...

C- Coffee.

Cadillac- Any weighted object, like a bar of state soap or the end of a toothpaste tube, tied to a long string and slid under the door of the cell. The inmates use these to transfer tobacco, lighters, notes, stamps, food and even books and magazines between cells.

Chomo- A child molester. One of the most despised beings in a prison setting. Or anywhere else, for that matter.

Dead man's number- Any younger inmate with a short number. Usually a "recycled" number from an earlier inmate who has passed away. The numbers are kept on file until the person dies.

Demo- This could be anything. You have to take it in context to the conversation. A Demo could be a cigarette, a stamp, a lighter, a box of cereal or a chicken leg. Or anything. It's usually up to you to figure out what the hell he's wanting.

Door Warrior- An inmate who is ten feet tall and covered with hair when the cell door is closed but sniveling in a fetal position when it is open. We get alot of those.

Help Me Out- Bring me some tobacco and coffee and a lighter.

Info- An inmates name and number. Or telephone number. Or home address.

Kiester Bunny- An inmate who secrets bullets of contraband in those uncomfortable places. Sometimes you can tell just by the look on their face that something's "up". Not a pleasant situation to be in for anybody involved.

Kite- A note. You can "shoot them a kite" or "fly them a kite". Also known as a "Scribe".

O.G.- Old Guy. Anybody older than the speaker or who has been around for awhile. Sometimes used as an honorific and sometimes as a curse. Depends on what they think of whoever they are talking about.

People- Usually referring to family on the outside. Or someone who can do them favors, like sending money. If they aint sending money, or pictures or both, then their "peeps" aint doing them no good.

Police- Pronounced "Poe-leese". That's us. We's the police.

Punk- Usually referring to a "baby" but sometimes just used as a curse. Even worse than the way Dirty Harry uses it. A punk is someone who either gives it away for free or has it taken from them on a regular basis. Willingly, or otherwise. Not an enviable appelation.

Roll- A hand rolled cigarette. From thin "pins" to fat "yard rolls". Occasionally referred to as a "demo".

Shank- A prison made weapon. Usually a knife or sharpened piece of metal like a soda can wrapped in tape. Sometimes made from tools stolen from the prison work areas. Nothing you want to come into close contact with.

Sunglasses- A lighter. AKA a flintstone, a light, a flashlight, a spark or a flame. Anything to do with light used in a sentence is referring to a lighter or a way to light a cigarette.

T- Tobacco.

Top- Tobacco. Loose tobacco sold in boxes at the prison canteen. A regular cigarette bought in packs is known as a "tailor".

Wick- A twisted bit of toilet paper set smouldering. You blow on it to get a flame going to light a roll. Also known as a "west side". A handy way to cadillac a light to your partner, if you got a flintstone and he doesn't.

This is a short list of the words I hear every day. You'd think they would have figured out that I know what they are talking about. Now and then I repeat it back to them and they are just flabbergasted that I know what they just said. I guess I'm not as stupid as I look.

Note: This was originally posted on 2-2-09. I was looking for another post about the words we use rather than the ones the inmates use but I can't find it. Either I imagined that I wrote it or I put it under some stupid name I don't recognize. If I can't find it, I'll just write another one.



  1. Thanks for risking it and reprinting this post!
    Quite the list...

    But...I'm wondering about 'the Hive' - what does this refer to?

    On a sidebar - I hope you are enjoying being on vacation - so if this kind of stuff is too "work related" I can wait for an answer when you're out of relaxation mode!

    Cheers, Jenny

  2. The Betty Crocker Institute? Seriously? I'll never look at cake the same way again.

  3. Ahhhhhhhh.........brings back such fond memories.......and for some odd reason makes me want to pepper spray someone.......hmmmmmm


  4. I am wondering how you feel about our country having the most incarcerated "offenders" of any developed country?
    I think that victimless crimes maybe could be dealt with by other means rather than throwing those in with the real offenders.
    What do you see on the front lines?

  5. There are no victimless crimes. The State as a whole is made victim--our values and morals are hurt. The ones who are in on a "victimless crime" are usually guilty of something far worse

  6. Heard a good one today. Getting geeked up. When someone drinks way too much coffee and won't shut up! Hahaha

  7. Jenny- The Hive is the Adseg or Administrative Segregation Unit. It is where offenders who cannot follow the rules or play nicely with the other offenders are put for a period of time as punishment. They have very limited freedom there and minimal property. ie no fans, teevees or radios, etc. It's where the biggest snapholes end up.

    Bryan- You're telling me! We had to switch to a different cake mix around home.

    Greenghost- I miss the excitement, sometimes. I don't miss the B.S.

    Goatman- I used to think there was such a thing as a victimless crime. It's a myth. Every single crime has a victim. Every single time. Part of the reason we have so many incarcerated offenders is that prison is no longer a punishment. It's a vacation, nothing more.

    Drew- Preachin' to the choir buddy.

    FlyinMonkey- That's a good one. I get that way myself sometimes!

  8. Thanks for learnin' me some edukashun! I'm ready to be a bad girl now!

  9. This was very enlightening. I think, taken as a whole, one could distil a film script from your posts, or perhaps they have already been done: the Green Mile, Shawshank Redemption ...

  10. Some screenwriter will thank you in his credits for making his prison movie that much more "gritty" because he used real words found in the prison setting.

    Looks like I've got some catch up reading to do here.