My friend Greenghost who used to work with me down in the Hive sent me an email the other day and it really got me thinking.
"I was reading your last post and it really made me stop and think about myself ...past and present. Before I went to work for the state I was a very simple person. I went to work. I enjoyed good well made boots , cold beer and fishing. I was a timid person also. I tried to avoid conflict. Now don't get me wrong I didn't go looking for fights but I wouldn't back down from one. Then it happened. I got a job with the DOC. And after my time there it made me a very aggressive person. The things people cringe at.....I laugh. I try to find things that will get my heart rate up but can't. I find myself standing in rooms filled with people and hunting out all the exit routs and positioning myself in a spot I feel safe. My mouth opens at the most inconvenient moments and how I feel pours out or I should say what feels good pours out. I wish I could find something I fear. What I mean is I think we loose part of our human side after working there and our emotions just fade away. I would love to feel fear again. I know that sounds crazy. I watch people's movements differently. I listen to what others say and the way they say it. I don't like most people so I stay at home most of the time. People just piss me off. I still stand defensively I still talk with authority in my voice. And the worst one of all. My boots still sit by the front door."
I know exactly how he feels. Working here has changed me and my demeanor in alot of ways and not all of them good.
I no longer enjoy having alot of interaction with other people face to face and not at all with strangers. When I meet or see somebody that I don't know I start wondering if they are carrying a weapon and where they might have it. When I'm in a strange place I try and spot the exits before I can feel comfortable at all.
And I really, really don't like crowds. If I'm in a place and someone bumps into me from behind they risk getting their arm broken or their instep stomped on.
I'm alot ruder than I used to be. Of course, that might be just all part of getting old. I don't know. And sometimes I do it without even thinking. I was in Walmart one day and there was this punk teenager with his pants sagging around his butt cheeks. I just yelled out "Hey! Pull your damn pants up!"
And he did it.
And then he walked away really quickly.
I probably shouldn't have done that. But I spend all day doing it at work and it gets to be a habit. And that sagging thing with their hats on sideways really aggravates me.
As for my sense of humor......
Let's just say it was pretty twisted when I started and it hasn't really improved any.
I can't really say if I am "better" or "worse" a person that I used to be. But I am definitely a different person now.
So Wednesday (back in the comm room) is going to be National Thriftshop Day, National Medical Dosimetrist Day (you got me) and the Meaning Of "Is" Day. Which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
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