Friday, July 8, 2011

Scaring The Newbies

I didn't do it, but I suspect I will get blamed either way.

We have a new group of OJT's roaming around learning how to be CO's. There's only four that I have seen. There may be more. Two fairly young guys and two older guys about my age.

This evening I was down in the Hive doing rec with Big M and when we got done and came back into the office there were more people in there than when we had left. We had the two older newbies with us all night long and the two younger ones were down in the wobblehead house with Sgt Miz P.

The younger guys did a cell search and had found a "prison made weapon". It was a broken disposable razor handle with a razor blade melted into it. The inmate had admitted that it was his and said he used it to cut out newspaper clippings. I believe that what he said was true. But it was still a potential weapon and he had made it by his own admission so they locked him up for Dangerous Contraband.

They brought the inmate down to the Hive and we sent the older newbies to do a strip search of the guy before he went into a cell. The guy had a whole bunch of stuff in his socks. Plastic pouches of peanut butter and jelly. Some crackers. A rolled cigarette. And a lighter with one of those tobacco and floor wax covers that I showed you a few months ago here. This one had a picture of some naked girl in a very revealing position on it. Attractive enough if you were into that sort of thing. Anyway, all of the stuff from his socks was piled on the table waiting for somebody to bag it up and store it away.

When the younger newbies came down to get their violation read, they were lounging about in the office waiting for Sgt LB to get done with whatever he was doing to go read it to the offender. One of the young guys picked up that lighter and said "Hey, that's pretty cool..." and somebody (not me, I tell you!) said "It was in his butt."

That lighter shot out of his hand like it was already on fire and across the table, knocking over several things including somebody's cup of coffee which immediately went everywhere. Then he started fumbling trying to clean up the coffee spill and knocked over a few more things in the process. All the while his face was bright red.

We finally told him it was really in the guys sock and not in his butt after all. Which, considering the state of his socks wasn't really all that much better, in my opinion. But it made him feel better even though we laughed at him.

I had told that same young man the other day "If you can learn to deal with your fellow staff members, then dealing with the inmates will be a piece of cake."

It seems that I wasn't too far off the mark.

You'd think as bad as we need people we would be nicer to the newbies. But we have to get them broke in and make sure they can take it before we let them loose on their own. It's for their own good.

Saturday will be National Sugar Cookie Day. Yum! I love sugar cookies! It will also be Bald-In, Bald-Out Day , Hop A Park Day and the Martyrdom of the Bab.

Sunday will be Clerihew Day. It will also be Don't Step on a Bee Day, Pina Colada Day, and Teddy Bears Picnic Day.

And Monday will be National Cheer Up The Lonely Day. As well as Bowlders Day , World Population Day and International Town Criers Day. I think they just call them gossips now, though.


  1. Ha-Ha, it was in his butt! i use that expression all of the time..."where did you find that?" "in my butt..." I guess if anyone ever took me seriously, that would cause quite a stir. ahh...prison humor

  2. Nothing like making a newbee the BUTT of a joke.

  3. Sunday- I used to use that one before I started working at the prison. Now I just blame it on someone else. It's funnier that way.

    Boris- As long as I didn't make an a** of myself, right?

  4. He should really know better than to pick up things you took off of an inmate that was strip searched. That was silly on his part.

  5. Never knew inmates liked arts and crafts so much! Never saw Conspiracy Theory with Mel Gibson. Considering Mel's recent behavior and outbursts, I doubt I'll be watching much of anything he does!

  6. Chanel- He's new. But I'll bet he'll think twice next time!

    Lolamouse- They are very crafty when you give them enough time and a few raw materials. And even if Mel is a snaphead in person, it's an old film. So that doesn't count. It's classic.

  7. GLOVES!!!!!!!! thats why we have them...I love newbies, you should become an FTO like me...its lots of fun

  8. And that's one of the reasons I read your blog every day I'm on the internets. "in his butt" That just kills me.