Sometimes It Just Hits You

In C.O. language, we call it a "Train Wreck", or sometimes just a "Wreck". If you see or hear about a staff member doing something stupid someone is sure to say "Looks like they are going to get off in a wreck."

I hate to see it happen, but it does. There are very few people employed in my profession who can claim to be a genius. And I'm pretty sure none of us have ever even been considered for the Nobel prize.

Not on this camp, anyway.

But we saw this wreck coming a mile off and managed to dodge most of it. I only ended up getting slightly screwed in the deal. I consider that a plus.

Anyway, here's the skinny: we have had a couple of staff transfer in from another camp. I met one guy and he seems like an alright cat, even if he does look too young to smoke. But he's self assured and confident and asks the right questions and listens to the answers. I think he'll be just fine.

I met the other one tonight when they stuck her in our bubble. After watching her up there for a few minutes helplessly stabbing at the control panel trying to open a door I thought to myself: "Oh snap! We are so screwed....."

I volunteered to help and I went up there (after waiting and waiting for her to open the door with KP at the chuckhole coaching her) to try and give her the ten cent tour of the control panel. They are touch screen panels and pretty much self-explanatory.

Or so I thought.

Apparently I suck at teaching. I tried and tried and showed her over and over what to do.

After awhile I went downstairs to smoke and breathe and Sgt LB came up to give her the benefit of his wisdom.

Apparently he sucks as bad at teaching as I do. Or maybe.... the problem wasn't really with us?

The first plan was that I would go up there and "assist" while med pass was going on. Then it turned into "Would you mind running the bubble for awhile? She can go down and do rec with BG."

Poor BG. They always stick him with the idiots.

Hey..........! Wait just one darn minute here!

So I get to watch while she goes down to work the floor. I'm not real happy about this, but I'm more than willing to take one for the team to keep the house running and keep someone from getting hurt. I watch while she is trying to take an offender out for rec.

The process is simple:
1. Open the chuck hole.
2. Cuff both offenders.
3. Signal for the door to be opened.
4. Let one out and shut the door.
5. Remove the cuffs from the offender in the cell.
6. Shut the chuck hole and lock it.

Total elapsed time: approximately 30 seconds. For me and BG anyway.

3-1/2 minutes later she finally signals for the door to be opened. Two more minutes to get the cuffs off the other inmate and a whole minute to shut the chuck hole and put on the padlock. In the mean time, BG has gotten the other seven offenders out and they are all waiting for her.

Now, we do this all the time. It's what we do. I can understand when people are new and/or not used to working with the cuffs all the time like we do. It happens.

But from what I hear, this woman has been with the department almost as long as I have! WTF? Don't know how to work a pair of handcuffs? Can't work a padlock, fer criminy sakes?

I'm sorry, but no. This aint happening. Not in my house.

They pull her out and move her somewhere else. By now BG has given up on the idea of getting any rec done. He tosses the rec cuffs back up to me and says "It's all I can stand!" and stalks away to do his paperwork.

And Lieutenant Strong calls me and says "I need you to do a memo to the Captain about why you thought she shouldn't be down there." Snap! After all that tap dancing to keep us out of the wreck I ended up doing paperwork anyway. Snap again!

Ah well. We survived. Nobody escaped and nobody got hurt.

I consider that a good night.