Friday, April 22, 2011

Broked*ck Mountain

Last night when I left I was scheduled to work the bubble down in the wobblehead house. I wasn't too keen on that but I would have got to work with Sgt Miz P, who I haven't seen in forever. It would have been nice to spend the evening catching up.

But when I came in Lt Strong said "You are going on outcount to the hospital. We had to send a guy out for emergency surgery."

Aw snap. The immediate question in my mind was "who was I going to be stuck with for the next eight hours?" I guess he saw the question in my eyes because he said "Miz Havoc decided to work a double out there with you. She's already at the hospital waiting."

Sweet! I'm sure I've written about her before and I don't recall if I called her Havoc or not, but the name fits her so well I'm running with it. A little bitty slip of a girl. Nice as pie and sweet and hard working. And if you piss her off she is one of the meanest hard-a**ed beeotches you have ever tangled with in your life.

But I like her and she likes me and we work together well so it was all good.

I got there and relieved Normandy so he could go home and slid into the room in the ER where they were holding the guy. He was just laying in the bed watching teevee like nothing was wrong. Miz Havoc leaned over to me and said "He fractured his d*ck!" The dude looked at me and said "Yeah! You wanna see it?" Apparently everyone else loose in the emergency room had come by for a gander.

No.... No thank you. I don't want to see it myself.

According to dude, he woke up with the usual case of morning wood (like most guys do) and when he tried to bend it down towards the toilet to pee, something went "pop!" and it started swelling up like a little balloon.

So we sat there from three until six, just watching teevee and chatting. Miz Havoc ordered a pizza. Once again, all the stuff in my lunchbox except my water came back home.

At one point little dude was talking about how doing drugs landed him in prison and how he regretted it. I said "Yeah, now look at you! Chained to a bed with a broken d*ck!"

He didn't have a whole lot to say to refute that.

After six they came and wheeled him into surgery. Miz Havoc suited up and went in and as soon as he was out she unlocked the restraints and they shooed her out, saying they'd call us when he went into recovery. Sometimes you just never know from doctor to doctor what they want.

He was in surgery for two hours. We kept checking to make sure he was still in there, it took so long. Finally they wheeled him out and we waited for him to wake up again. Apparently they had to do some pretty extensive repair work on the poor broke little guy.

One of the first things he said after the anesthesia wore off was "Is it still attached?" and he tried to look under the covers. We assured him that it was and not long after that he pointed a finger at me and said "Don't ever let your woman get on top! I'm sure that's what started this!"

It was all we could do not to howl with laughter.

Amazingly, they released him to go back right about 10 pm. We were all sure after such traumatic surgery they would keep him at least over night. But the doc said he was good to go. So we loaded him carefully into the state van and drove him back to the prison.

We got back to the prison just as another wild thunderstorm rolled through our area. The tornado sirens are going off even now. I'm hoping not to lose power before I get this done. It's a pretty fierce one out there.

Saturday is Read To Me Day and World Laboratory Animal Day. It is also Marconi Day, Movie Theater Day, Talk Like Shakespeare Day and Bulldogs Are Beautiful Day.

Talk like a Shakespearean Bulldog! Yeah!

Sunday is National Pigs In A Blanket Day. It's also Easter, National Tai Chi Day and Pet Parents Day.

And Monday is of course National Zucchini Bread Day, DNA Day, Dyngus Day and Hug A Plumber Day.

Okey dokey.

Beware the morning wood!


  1. Now THIS is a pretty funny story.

  2. You should email me those microwave cheeseburgers before they go to waste.

    Remind me, what exactly is the "wobblehead" house?

  3. I've heard of them breaking before, but not like THAT.

    I feel sorry for the poor guy...but it's a pretty funny situation.

  4. Joe- One of the first things I thought when I got there was "Well, I won't have to try and think of anything to write about tonight!"

    Bryan- The wobbleheads are our inmates with severe mental problems. We try to keep them all in one place when we can.

    Chanel- I hadn't laughed that much in one night at work in a long time.

  5. There was an episode of E.R. where that happened to one of the horny doctors. I actually went to Google to see if it could really happen!

  6. Donna- Apparently it can. Not necessarily the way he said it did,because, well.... he's an inmate. You just never know about them. It could have happened quite differently than his story suggested.