Monday, February 15, 2010

Job Security

As crazy and weird and sometimes dangerous as my job tends to be, there's one thing that sets it apart from any other job I have ever had: job security.

Unless I do something really really stupid or the state decides to outsource the prison to India or Pakistan, my job is pretty much safe. I still might lose my position and get moved somewhere else in the camp, but I will have a place to work.

And the one thing that makes this the safest job in the world is the one thing that we will never ever run short of. A natural resource that will outlast coal and petroleum and even nuclear energy. Stupid people.

Gee Rev, don't you think that's kind of cynical?

It might be, but it's true.

Go on any search engine and type in the words "stupid criminals" and watch the results roll in. It will amaze and amuse you to no end. And some of the traps that governments set up to pick up some of the stupidest ones are just incredible.

Apparently there is a tax law somewhere (I don't remember where I saw it) that states: "You must declare any stolen property in your possession as taxable items unless they were returned to the rightful owners during the same year that they were stolen."

I wonder how many people actually filled that section out? A few, I imagine.

And I found this doozy on Weird Universe. The South Carolina Subversive Activities Registration Act, which went onto the books last year states that: "Any member of "a subversive organization or an organization subject to foreign control, every foreign agent, and every person who advocates, teaches, advises, or practices the duty, necessity, or propriety of controlling, conducting, seizing, or overthrowing the government of the United States . . . shall register with the Secretary of State."

And it only costs $5.00 to register. You can find a copy of the registration form here:

I would love to see the list of people who have sent in their $5.00 for that one.

I imagine they wouldn't even have to put a fence around the prison for those fools. Just tell them the fence is invisible and they would never leave.

The same state also sells tax stamps for illegal drugs. If you sell illegal drugs in South Carolina and you do not affix a tax stamp to your wares and get caught, they will double-whammy you for tax evasion.

They don't sell very many of those stamps. It was a nice try, tho.

Maybe we should try some idiot/genius registration. If you think you are stupid, you have to send $5.00 to this address to get registered with the state. Conversely, if you think you are a genius and smarter than everybody else, you send $100.00 to the same address and get registered so everybody will know who you are.

Then we round up everybody who sent in money and throw them in prison just because.

Probably won't need a fence around that one, either.

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