Wednesday, September 7, 2011

That @&$*!@% Murphy!!!

Let me see if I can get the chain of events clear in my head here.... My brain is still racing around like a chihuahua on crack. I feel like I got run over by a bus full of wobbleheads.

Yesterday Sgt Puddle said "If Stubby calls out again, I'm going to pull you out of the Comm room and up to the Fishbowl." I said I was okay with that. After all, I still need the experience.

He did and he did and I'm still kicking myself for agreeing to it.

I jinxed myself. I know it. Crowing about what a calm day it was on Monday being a holiday and how easy I managed to skate through a transfer day, all things considered.

I freaking jinxed myself.

Everything was fine right up to the 4:30 count. Then it all went to snit from there.

LB calls from the Hive and says "You're going to hate me, but we have a screw up. They released one from here this morning and never changed it in the computer. All they did was erase him off the board. But this guy aint here. He's in 10 house."

And sure enough when we checked the computer, it still said he was in the Hive. Okay. Bad, but fixable. If the Hive is down by one and 10 house is up by one we are reasonably sure the numbers match. Called 10 house and had them do a visual ID and make certain that guy was in there.

Then 30 house calls with a bad count. Tells me they have 292 in house and I knew that was wrong. They only had 298 assigned and I knew that 100 of them were in laundry and 4 of them were out on work crews and one was in the Hive. And Sore gets pissed at me when I tell him it's wrong.

Standard operating procedure at that point is to call all of the places on B-side that might be the problem for a recount. Dining, laundry, medical and main production. We call and start a recount there.

Sore calls back and says oops, they have 192. No, that's still wrong. He's mad again. Sgt Puddle is on the phone calling the Lt and saying we have a problem.

One more call. 195. Nope. Now I'm about two minutes away from having everybody sent back to do a recount of the entire camp. And when we do that we have to start calling people on the outside including the local police department to let them know our count is bad and we might actually be missing somebody.

I really don't want to do that. Really.

We actually stretch it for an additional two minutes and they finally call back with the right number. Whew! That took about 17 minutes longer than it should have and I was sweating bullets.

We get through count and chow and open the yards. About 20 minutes after the yards open we have a code 16 (medical emergency) for chest pains. I don't hear anything more on that for awhile. Next thing I hear is we need to clear A-yard for the ambulance that's "two minutes away"!

What? Umm..... We are the ones who are supposed to call for the ambulance and they have to tell us so we can have the paperwork ready before he can leave the camp! Aw, carp!

Sgt Puddle was out front talking to Peggy Sue and I wave him back up in a big hurry. I get another big squeezy hug in the process (hey, I'm 2 for 2!) and put him to work. I have no idea how to do an outcount like that fast enough to get it done before the ambulance arrives. Sgt Puddle can knock it out in a heartbeat and he does so then runs over to get it signed. In the meantime they pull some newbie we had up in the fishbowl and are sending him and Sausage out with the ambulance.

Right before the ambulance shows up we have another code 16 in 1 house for chest pains. Aw! What the snap!?!

Captain CJ calls me to get hold of the Major at home for her and he doesn't sound happy when he answers the phone.

I manage to sneak out for a quick smoke and to deliver a message to the newbie when I hear a call for a code 70 (fire alarm) in B-dining! Snap again! Trying to think. Who is here on the fire brigade besides me? My brain is toast. I can't think of anybody.

Run back inside and shout to Sgt Puddle "Who is here besides me?" He shakes his head. I think it's just you!" Snap squared!

Up to the comm room I go to get keys and a radio and truck across the yard towards dining. As I get near I see them taking an inmate in cuffs away from the chow hall and i screech to a stop. There's not supposed to be anybody in there this time of night! What the....

Turns out The Watcher (aka Phoenix Tears) was here tonight and he cleared the alarm.

Sgt Uncle T was driving by on the cart and saw the alarm lights going off. He pulls down by the chow hall to investigate and sees an offender inside beating on the window. He'd been in the bathroom and when Towtruck locked up and left, he locked this guy in the building. The kid got scared when he couldn't get out and pulled the fire alarm.

Hoo boy. I wouldn't want to be in Towtrucks shoes when he comes back tomorrow. He'll be lucky if he gets left with one butt cheek to sit on.

When I get back up to the fishbowl, Captain CJ has me call Towtruck, the Fire and Safety guy and the Major at home again. And yes, he still sounds pissed off.

Things go fairly smooth for almost an hour when I hear a loud garbled call over the radio:

"Garble garble nine! garble D-wing!" Whoever it was sounds excited. Uh-oh...

"10-9 your traffic?" 10-9 means repeat.

"Garble garble nine! garble garble D-wing!"

And then "10-6 the 10-49 garble garble." Sounded like someone from the wobblehead house. 10-6 means it's under control.

Holy freaking snap. I almost said "What's next?" But I knew better.

So we are locking up two from 9 house, apparently. For fighting.

It's getting close to count and I call medical for their numbers and Lt Farmer answers.

"Whattaya need, Rev?"

"I need their count."

"Well, they're kinda busy. Doing CPR on one in the back right now."



"Oh snap."

They got him going again and were debating on sending him out to the hospital as well. Then we got word that the guy we sent out earlier was going downhill and they were going to move him to a different hospital. Which, of course, takes more paperwork that I don't know how to do yet.

Needless to say I wanted to kiss midnight shift when they showed up. I was ready to run as fast as I could out to the parking lot before anything else happened.

Tomorrow night I am on the yard. And I'm staying there if I have to nail myself to a tree.

Thursday will be National Date Nut Bread Day and Pardon Day as well as International Literacy Day, Virgin Mary Day and World Physical Therapy Day.

I'd settle for the bread.


  1. I may have jinxed you with the "7th Circle of Hell" comment. I'm sorry. I'll give you another big squishy hug to make up for it! You did a great job and at the end of the night everything came out just fine. That's all anyone can really ask for.

  2. Hahahahahaha now that is a night! If I was you I would run while I could.
    Veto word is CANTSBOA.
    That's what a boa does when it can't slither straight.

  3. Peggy Sue- I think I jinxed myself. But I'll take another hug when I can get one. The squeezier the better.

    FlyinMonkey- And how come nobody tried to talk me out of this before it got so deep? I must be getting old, I cantsboa anymore either!

    Bryan- It's a friggin monsoon is what it is!