Friday, November 9, 2012

Mild Adult Content Warning

Many thanks to my good friend Tilt.  Even though he's gone to another camp, he still keeps in touch and obviously has way too much time on his hands.

The other day he sent me an email with an inmates number and a date and said "Best violation ever!"

I had to look for myself, of course.

He was right.

Just a quick warning:  If you are even slightly homophobic then it would be best not to read the following post.  And fer gawds sake get those children out of here now!!!  (grin)

The body of the violation reads:

"While on the H.U. 5 recreation yard, I looked into the window of cell 5-C-22 and witnessed the following:
I saw offender Juan, Don kneeling upon the floor facing offender Casanova, Giacomo who was seated upon the lower bunk.  Offender Juan was reaching up lightly rubbing upon offender Casanova's chest.  Offender Juan craned his neck upward, while offender Casanova leaned forward to kiss his cell mate upon the lips.  Both then rose to their feet, facing each other as offender Juan then proceeded to reach inside offender Casanova's jumpsuit and gently caress the sides of offender Casanova's midriff, while each gazed into each others eyes.  Both then leaned forward to tenderly kiss each other on the lips."

I will have to admit two things right here and now.
1.  The names have been changed to protect my job.
2.  I couldn't help it.  I laughed so hard reading this I almost fell off of my chair.

Oh.... my.... freaking.... gawd.

It's not the act itself.  I personally could care less about other peoples sexuality.  And frankly, I'm not even all that sure that two inmates kissing each other is even against the rules.

But then I'm strange like that.

That whole violation read like it was written by a budding porn author.  Or someone who reads way too many Harlequin Romances.  I know in the Academy they tell us to "paint a picture" with our words.  They don't tell us to paste up an entire novel and include a centerfold.

"craned his neck upward..."
"gently caress the sides..."
"gazed into each others eyes..."
"tenderly kiss each other..."

What the snap?

When he read this Porgie said "That guy obviously stood there too long watching!"
And Mr Bean said "Could you, as a Sergeant, even read a violation like that with a straight face?"

No.  I couldn't.  I would lose it completely.
I'd be on the floor laughing, waving the clipboard weakly in the air and saying "Do you want to plead guilty?"
"Here.  Gently sign this."
Hee hee hee!


10 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Joe- It almost kilt me, that's for sure!

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  2. I am cracking up with the rest of you...good gawd is right!

    I'm thinking, as I'm reading, geez, is this how they write reports in the prison system - then I'm thinking...do they even write report about this sort of stuff - them after a little more thinking...I decide it's time to stop thinking a pour myself a drink.

    Cheers! I can always count on there being many facets to this world of yours!

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    Replies
    1. Jenny Lou- No, that's generally not how we write reports. I don't know what that person was thinking (or smoking) at the time. But I can almost bet it was supposed to be a joke that maybe went a little too far.

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  3. Oh yes, that guy was enjoying that scene WAY too much!

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  4. No wonder you prison guard have such imaginations. :) And now back to part 2 of The Hallow.

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  5. Mwahahahaha ! That's priceless !

    ~Ghost~

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