Sunday, March 18, 2012

Make My Job Easy

Sometimes I have to laugh. Once in awhile you find out there is a problem of one sort of another and you have to resort to pulling an investigation and questioning dozens of people before you find out any of the facts.

And sometimes they fall right in your lap.

I was standing in between 10 and 30 house talking to Tilt and Chief. Miz Peanut Butter had just escorted one of my guys back up from medical and took him through the back door into the house.

Seconds later I hear her on the radio. "75 to T-5! 10-10 Delta Wing!" And she sounded a bit excited. I tossed my smoke and shot back into the house at a quick trot, wondering what the snap was going on.

When I get into the hallway she has an offender backed up against the wall and she hands me his ID card. She says "I caught him spitting out his meds into his hand. And when he realized he was caught, he swallowed them again."

I started to say something and he blurted out "It's true! I've been selling my meds for coffee!"

Oh really...... And oh yuck, by the way. It's bad enough to take someone else's medications but to take them after they'd already been in their mouth????

Double yuck.

I looked at Miz Peanut Butter and she looked at me and I said "Put cuffs on him."

Checked with the nurse, but I already knew what the answer was going to be. I dealt with him when he was in 9 house with the rest of the wobbleheads. Psych meds. Oh boy.

Somebody was going to be missing their daily buzz tomorrow. I just hoped whoever hadn't been taking them long enough to get hooked. Otherwise we might have another problem on our hands when he started coming down.

Called Lt Wyatt just to let him know what was happening. He'd already had enough going on. The poor guy just started on our shift from midnights and got involved in a use of force and got a good coating of pepper spray in the process. Darn my luck, I was outside a locked door and couldn't make it to that one.

So our little wobblehead got locked up and that violation will get him kicked out of the program and sent back to the wobblehead house where he belongs. I was getting complaints about the way he smelled, anyway.

That was just too easy. Wish they were all like that.

Well, with less B.O., anyway. You know what I mean.

So Monday is going to dawn bright and early as Poultry Day, National Chocolate Caramel Day and Swallows Return To San Juan Capistrano Day.

Sounds like a good day for dinner and dessert. Celebrate!


  1. I swear I've seen that "Easy" button before. Are you trying to mess with my head?

    "I tossed my smoke and shot back into the house at a quick trot, wondering what the snap was going on."

    I've said before, and I'll say it again. I think you totally missed your calling as a writer of those old pulp detective novels. Which is not to say that this line is a parody or imitation of them. I mean it as a compliment. I mean that it displays that sharp economy of expression, patented by Hemingway, and machined into a workable method by the likes of Mickey Spillane and Dashiell Hammett. It's a simple sentence, yes, but it's streamlined, efficient, and conveys just the right sense of urgency without wasting words.

    Anyway, I'll stop now ;D

    1. Bryan- If I could make a living at it, I would write detective novels. And sci-fi and maybe a few other things. I'm a big fan of Spillane and Hammett, as well as Heinlein and Pratchett and Gaiman and Robinson as well. I could spend my days in a smoke filled room drinking cheap gin and pounding out novels.

  2. I concur with Bryan, and add that one should never toss anything (at least not at a prison where this type of thing occurs too often) and trot without first making sure the butt is extinguished, which coincides with my salad reference as well. Yummy!

    Thank you, Goodnight!

    1. Scott- You...

      You just had to go there, didn't you?

      Of course you did.

  3. What? Come on, it brought a smile to your face. Admit it. Go on.