Saturday, September 22, 2012

Checking In

Every now and then when I get some time I get on the computer and look up some of my old knuckleheads to see how they are faring.  Sometimes I get scared when I discover that someone who was a gold-plated nincompoop has been released back into society.

Sometimes they seem to have settled down and are behaving themselves, which is surprising.  Because if I can remember their names, that usually means that they were pretty dang stupid at one time or another.

And sometimes it seems like some people will never learn to behave themselves.  But I am always pleased to realize that they are no longer my problem.  Not that i wish bad things on anyone else in the department, but I've done me time, if you know what I mean...

Anyway, I looked up this one certain snaphead who was a constant behavioral problem when he was here last.  We finally got tired of his nonsense when he tried to escape and sent him off to a high security camp for them to deal with him.

Looking up his violations.  They were repeats of his repertoire while he was here:  Threats, Creating A Disturbance, Minor Assault, etc.

Then I read this one violation and I cracked up.  Not just that he did what they said, but that someone went to the trouble of writing it down so completely.

The violation is a bit on the graphic side and definitely adult themed, so any of you who have small children might have them leave the room before reading further!

Okay, that covers my butt.

The violation reads:

Offender Knucklehead was observed standing on the toilet and sink naked and masturbating in full view of myself while making exotic animal noises  (Ooh-Ooh-Ah-Ah-Eee-Eee-Eee).

Except for the name, that is word for word what the official report reads.

I can see him doing that.  He had done similar things while he was on our camp.

I'd just never thought it necessary to put the noises in.


  1. If we gold-plated all the nincompoops they'd be a lot easier to spot. Money well spent, as far as I'm concerned.

    Like the disclaimer. Knowing your off-beat sense of humor, I almost expected it to read, " any of you who have small children might want to leave the room before reading further!" [Emphasis mine (of course)] But I still like the idea of corralling the kids out of the room before READING something shocking. Nice.

    1. Bryan- Plus I'm sure it would sting a bit so maybe some of them would change their ways.

      And hey. Don't want to traumatize the kiddies, now do we?

  2. I don't much like the thought of you knocking about the countryside, gold plating people. I think you might get a superior attitude about it & label people you aren't fond of as having 'behaved badly'. Just for an excuse to dip them in a crucible of molten gold aloof indifference. Probably deep down inside you are actually, a cruel man who would abuse your gold plating powers, aren't you?

    1. Anon- I would probably abuse my powers. I am an evil and very cruel person indeed. There would be so much knucklehead dipping going on that the stock market would crash.

  3. Rev that is. Probably not Bryan.

    1. Anon (again)- Bryan is probably almost as evil as I am. But not quite.

  4. Would I possibly remember this gold plated knucklehead ?


    1. Ghost- If I said his name you would know it immediately.

  5. Knucklehead:
    Help Me! I'm being gold plated to death!
    Stop whimpering. It hurts, but the gold will stop the bleeding. Now go get a rag & clean that flesh off the floor.
    Knucklehead: k, sorry
    Rev: Then send in the next knucklehead & bring me my tums.
    Knucklehead: but...but...but sir...the next one is a...a...
    Rev: A What? (Patient tone combined with 'the look)
    Knucklehead: A ginger, sir. (Fearful gasp & flinch)
    Rev: That's impossible. Not in my perfect world. Never! (Just about to get mad)
    Knucklehead: But sir, it's true... & she's pretty too.
    Rev: ( sad pitiful face & slumping of shoulders) What is her crime?
    Knucklehead: She plowed down 2 women with her car, while talking on her cell phone, sir. It was just awful. She splattered their brains all over the sidewalk & street & way up in a tree even.
    Rev: What color hair did they have?
    Knucklehead: Huh? I am told one was dishwater blonde & the other mousey brown, sir.
    Rev: (relieved smile) Oh well, that's fine. That doesn't bother me so much. Crown her 2nd in command under my queen & have her excorted to my chamber.
    Then bring me my cigarettes, these bothersome knucklehead conversations are killing me.

    *snort* :-)

    1. You think you are Anon, but you aint- Well, maybe not second in command. Just chain her to the....

      Whups.... almost let that slip. (grin)

      Mmmmm.... gingers....

  6. Well, it would have been a TOTALLY DIFFERENT offense had he been making non exotic animal noises (meow, meow) or a different exotic animal noise (kukaburra, kukaburra)! This is quite important for paperwork purposes. If you want to move up the ladder, you should know this, Dave!