Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Masochistic Tendencies

It was a bit dark and kind of stormy looking when I left the house. Nothing scary or severe looking. It just looked maybe kinda sorta like it might rain later.

The closer I got to work the darker it got. About a mile away from work it started raining. When I hit the front entrance I had to roll up my window. As I got out of the truck it lightened up some. I looked up at the clouds and thought "Hoo boy! What a night to work the yard!"

Right after I walked into the control center it started pouring down, lightning flashing everywhere and the clouds were swirling around. I thought "Any minute now the sirens are going to go off. This might get real ugly." Lt Chestnut looks at me and says "I had to move you to 30 house. Sorry, bud." My face fell. That place is hot as hell and it always smells like one of those cheap laundromats in the bad parts of town. "Unless" he said "You want to go to strips, then you can go out to the yard afterwards."

Without even thinking much, I said "I'll do that."

So I went and spent an hour in the Moon Room watching strange smelly men get naked.

Boy that is just more fun than you can shake a stick at, believe me.

And we had to hold them inside until the storm passed and they checked all of the fences to make sure nothing had blown down before we could let them out. Fortunately for us, since the bad weather was rolling in, they brought all the crews in early.

When we were done I checked out my 200 pound set of yard keys and grabbed my 100 pound lunch box and headed out for the yard. Got out there right before the yard closed. Just time to stick my lunch box in the shack and head for the chow hall.

There's usually only two of us out on the yard on a typical day and one stays at dining and the other goes up on the hill to watch the movements. Making sure nobody is fighting or trying to escape or any other foolishness up where we can't see it. St Francis usually goes up on the hill and for some reason he didn't. When I got there he asked me if I wanted to go which was real strange. Whatever he had in mind I didn't want any part of it so I went on up.

About halfway through mainline it started to sprinkle. I was just thinking "If it gets and worse, I'll duck under there or over there in that doorway so I can still see and stay reasonably dry." Just them Sgt Uncle T comes up on the cart and says "Come on! I'll take you to the shack! You can watch from there and make us some coffee while you are up there."

Hey, no problem. I can stay inside in the A/C and make a pot of coffee. Yeah!

About the time Sgt Uncle T gets halfway back to the chow hall it comes down a gullywasher of a rainstorm. A real toad strangler. A tarantula downpour.

I look out the window at all the inmates running for cover, either trying to get to the chow hall or back to their houses and I burst out in maniacal laughter. Ha ha suckers! I'm up here and dry and my lunch is right here! Whoop!

Of course it only rained for a few minutes and then the sun popped back out turning the yard into an instant sauna. But my last orders were to stay in the shack and watch from there and make coffee. Yeah, I could do that. And I sat in relative comfort for about half an hour and ate my sandwich and sipped coffee.

Once the yards opened things got a little hairy. We ended up locking up seven inmates off of our side for different things. Three outside workers who were apparently making rude comments at some women swimming in the river while they were out with their weed eaters. They were first. Then a check in from eight house. Then a fight at nine house that we had to run to. Two lockups from that. Then one more check in from 9 house to round it all off. Spent a good part of the end of the evening doing escorts and picking up property. Fun!

Yes, they made me run. That hasn't happened in awhile. My legs will be sore in the morning. The evil swine.

But we all survived. That's all that matters.

Wednesday (my comm room day) will be National Chocolate Eclair Day. It will also be Stupid Guy Thing Day. That just sounds promising, don't you think?


  1. Do you know exactly what kind of rude things were said to the woman in the river? Anything original I maybe haven't heard before?

    I think yelling and whistling at women is a Stupid Guy Thing. Has any woman in the history of the world heard a catcall and said, "Why yes, I would like to spread my legs for you this very second. I was hoping you would ask. How do you like it?"

  2. Ha, Doug's lookin' for some new material.

    Of course, the flip side of that, is that swimming in a river near where convicts are working probably isn't the smartest thing to do.

  3. How come I am not a daily read suggestion? I think Atypical Read has mass appeal. Then again, I think I am competing with Doug for attention. Anyway, my question is, why was anyone swimming in the river, let alone women? The act itself is very dangerous and carrying weed eaters with them is just irresponsible.

  4. We had a pretty big storm last night. I've just discovered my dog doesn't like thunder. She was shaking under the covers until she finally fell asleep.

    Swimming in any river is just flat out silly. Bull sharks are notorious for swimming upstream and eating people. She should have known better.

    Do I get a free eclair today?

  5. That's funny, when I asked what they got locked up on one of the utility yard dogs told me it was because they got ice cream at Mickey D's! I love how info gets around, it's like middle school.

  6. Doug- I'm sure it was nothing new. For some reason most inmates are neither very bright nor very inventive. And yup, that is definitely a Stupid Guy Thing.

    Bryan- The way things have been flooding around here lately swimming in our rivers is dicey at best. We could lose another levee and you could end up swept away.

    Scott- I don't know why you aren't on there. I'm trying to correct that error. And I think they use the weed eaters to propel themselves up and down the river. Silly man.

    Chanel- My dogs don't like thunder at all. They tend to keep me awake when it's storming.

    And sometimes you just gotta swim somewhere.

    Go to the bakery and tell them you get a free one on me.

    FlyinMonkey- There are times when I listen to the staff as little as I listen to the inmates around here. Sheesh!

  7. I'm surprised Chanel isn't worried about the infamous showerhead shark. You never see that one coming.