Lost And Found

I don't know if they picked me or if it was just a random thing. I'll probably never know.

But when I did my Del Norte walk this evening, I found something in between the fences that should not be there.

I'd gotten a hint earlier that there might be something planted there. I should have been paying more attention maybe. But there were... things going on when I was being told. I just filed it away as a hint and paid attention to other things. So when it was time for my walk I had a vague hint that I should be extra vigilant.

Unless I'm sick or it's covered with ice or something dangerous (like running full blast to avoid the lightning) I usually do pay pretty good attention to my surroundings when I'm doing the walk. I don't want to miss a hole in the fence or a pull in the wire that might suggest someone has intentions of escaping or has escaped. I don't want to miss anything that someone may have tried to toss in or out of the fence.

After all, that is the whole reason for doing the walk. To make sure that our outer perimeter hasn't been breached or compromised. I know that and treat it pretty seriously.

There's a fair amount of trash that has blown into the fences and the razor wire and i know where most of it is. If somebody said "Where is the big potato chip bag in the fence?" I could say "Zone seven." And if they wanted to know where the yellow dollar store bag was I could tell them that it was in zone eleven. Most of this stuff is pretty deep in the razor wire and would be difficult to get out without getting tangled up in the wire so it gets left there until it disintegrates.

So when I got around the corner from zone 10 and into 11 and saw something bright white by the cinderblocks that cross the creek I knew right away there was something new out there. And the hint I had gotten earlier filtered back into my brain.

It was a pair of state issued boxers. Immediately a bazillion questions ran through my mind. Was this a set up? Evidence of an escape or an attempt? Just an accident of the wind? I stood there for a couple of seconds then got on the radio and reported it. They told me to "Stand By."

While I was waiting I nudged them with my foot and noticed there was a piece of paper folded up inside of them. Bending down to retrieve it I read:

"When you find this, return it to the shift commander after your Del Norte walk. Thank you."

So I got back on the radio and reported that. They told me to bring both items with me when I came back through.

I'll just have to say that I wasn't too thrilled about having to tote a pair of inmate underwear halfway around the friggin' camp.

The first thing out of my mouth when I walked into Captain Fluffy's office was "You could have used a t-shirt, fer gawds sake!"

He just laughed and said "You can blame that on your Lieutenants. The boxers were their thing. Good job, though! Thanks!"

So the whole thing was a test to make sure we were paying attention out there. And I'm glad that I passed the test.

But boxers? Really?

Tomorrow, being July 1st, will be Creative Ice Cream Flavor Day and Build A Scarecrow Day. Hmm.. maybe we could build an ice cream scarecrow! It will also be many other things such as Canada Day, Chicken Wing Day, Second Half of the Year Day, Postage Stamp Day, Zip Code Day and the beginning of Roswell UFO Days.

Whoop!

Pack Rat

I sometimes think I carry too much baggage. But then I always have.

Literally as well as figuratively.

I almost always get into work a little early and watch some of the other people come in. It surprises me when people walk in to do an eight hour shift carrying absolutely nothing in their hands. No food, no drinks, no snacks, nothing. Just themselves.

Sometimes I really envy those people the simplicity.

Of course that means that if they want to eat something, it's state food or something out of the vending machines. And if they want something to drink it's water or coffee or again, something out of the machines.

I don't drink that water at work unless it's run through a coffee filter first. That stuff will make you glow in the dark. And it tastes nasty. As far as I'm concerned, the entire water system for everywhere within 25 miles of this place needs to be dug up and thrown away and rethought and replaced. I don't know where this stuff comes from originally but it is sure nasty by the time it makes it to the tap.

And I've already made me thoughts on the state food well known.

So I carry in a lunchbox just a little larger than your average third world country. In it I carry:

Water- Usually 4 bottles, which I save and bring home to recycle.
Food- Enough for one good sized meal (since I only eat once a day) and a few snacks in case I get held over.
Cigarettes- Enough to hold me over a shift and an extra just in case...
Coffee and filters- Usually enough for two pots.
Extra lighter
Extra Pens
Tums and Tylenol- Because some days there just aint enough Tums and Tylenol
Change- A couple of bucks worth
Vicks Vaporub- In case there's something really stinky going on
Sunglasses
Reading Glasses- because I'm old and I need them
Assorted office supplies- Like paper and white out and rubber bands, etc
Spare flashlight batteries
Bandaids

And probably some other stuff I can't think of at the moment as well. Pretty much all of the stuff I can cram into that lunchbox that I might need or have needed in the past. It's in there.

Obviously, it's a heavy lunchbox. Ask anybody, they'll tell you.

Do I need all of this stuff? Well, no. probably not. I could do without 99% of it most of the time. But I sure would feel almost naked without it. And it sure is handy to have around when I need something.

I've never been one for simplicity, I guess. I'll keep my baggage. I might as well. It has my name on it, after all.

So tomorrow is Meteor Day (hmm... and a big one passing by even as we speak. Yikes!) and Pay Day (Yippee!). It's also National Bomb Pop Day and National Handshake Day. Let's just remember to shake hands before we eat the bomb pops, okay? I get all sticky.

Pain Management

I took a day off and went to see my doctor. I was expecting another cortisone shot and maybe a referral.

It's been a year now and my arm isn't getting better and I believe I have enough sick time saved up to hopefully get it fixed and recover.

Instead of giving me another shot the doctor has gone into 'pain management' mode until I can see the orthopedic surgeon. He's going to let the surgeon decide what to do next. That thought scares the crap out of me but I have to get this thing fixed or I'm going to end up crippled. I really really don't want surgery but it might be my only option.

I've started losing some sensation when I sleep on it or lay it on my desk too long playing games, etc and my elbow has started making this random clicking at times when I move it. And despite how small those clicks sound, each one is a unique little trip into the world of sudden sharp pain. Like someone just busted a needle off in my bone each time.

The doc wrote me a couple of scrips for pain meds. One that I've had before and a new one I'd never heard of. Wowie zowie. Let's suffice to say that I'll be sticking to Tylenol while I'm at work or having to drive anywhere.

Sure, my arm doesn't hurt right at the moment. But I suspect I wouldn't feel it if it were on fire, either. Good stuff. But not good for being at work. Nope.

I'm hoping that this will turn out to be a minor fix so I can be back at work quickly. Not that I love my job so much. I just get bored easily and being right handed and not being able to use my right hand to type and write and other things will make me get really bored really fast. I probably better stock up on new books to read before I have the surgery, eh?

So! That being said... I hope everybody stayed safe while I was away. Let's keep it between the ketchup and the mustard people!

Oh yeah. Tomorrow will be Camera Day. Just not inside the fence, right? This is also the feast day of Saint Cassius of Narni and marks the beginning of the wine festival in Haro, Spain. It is also the birthdate of Nelson Eddy (1901), Ray Harryhausen (1920) and Slim Pickens (1919). And this date marks the deaths of Fatty Arbuckle (1933), Jayne Mansfield (1967) and Bob Crane (1978). And I really had to dig to find all of that extra stuff, believe me.

One Head, Many Voices

Had one of those nights where they moved me around again. Joy.

Started out in the Moon Room doing strip searches. There's just nothing like starting out your day looking at a bunch of dirty sweaty stinky naked men.

Unless you are really into that sort of thing, then I guess it would be okay for you.

Me, it's not my thing so much.

I thought I was going to go to the yard afterwards but since we had a few extra people those evil swine Nook and Strangle took off and went home early. That meant we had to rearrange everybody and they stuck me on the front desk until 5:30.

In retaliation I started a rumor that Nook and Strangle are having an affair with each other. I don't think that their wives will be too surprised. And if you happen to see anybody, pass the rumor along! Either it will teach them a lesson or they'll go ahead and get engaged. Either way...

After I got done being thoroughly bored at the front desk I finally got to go out to the yard and wander around for awhile. That was nice, even if it was pretty muggy out there.

While I was out on the yard I thought I saw some positive improvement in one of our more severe wobbleheads, but it turned out I was wrong. There's this one little wobblehead I always referred to as "Stick boy". He's just a little bundle of sticks who is always talking to himself or... somebody.... who nobody else can see. he reminds me a bit of Michael Winslow. The guy who made all those crazy voices and noises in the "Police Academy" movies and in "Spaceballs".

I don't know if it's just voices in his head or if he sees real people like Russel Crowe from "A Beautiful Mind" or what. I've never really investigated that closely. But whoever it is, he's always talking to them. We always see him walking the yard by himself, talking under his breath. Sometimes it seems like it's a good conversation and he's happy. Sometimes, it's not so good. When he starts arguing and screaming at them, we usually end up locking him up.

Anyway, he's almost always by himself. But tonight I saw him walking out on the yard carrying his bible. He went and sat down at a table where some other offenders were having some sort of bible study group. I thought "Hey! Stick boy is coming out and relating to other people! He's joined a study group! Maybe he'll start taking a shower now and then! Wouldn't that be keen!"

But it didn't look like he was taking a real interest in the group. Most of the time while they were talking he was sitting sideways in his seat talking to somebody who.... well, you know. The rest of the group took it in stride and just ignored him when he was doing that. He would pay attention to them for a little while and then turn and start talking to somebody else and they would just go on without him until he came back.

Maybe it will help. Maybe it won't. They may just get tired of him and tell him to leave. I was kind of hoping he would come back to light on this planet at least for a little while. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. If they get him to shower once in awhile it would be an improvement. He reeks.

So Tuesday will be Paul Bunyan Day. Oh Lawd. I'm in no mood for tall tales. I get enough of those from Sausage! And apparently that's all it will be.

Blue oxtail soup, anyone?

A Night In The Hive

I wasn't really sure I could come in today. I debated with myself about calling in sick.

But I decided to pull up my big boy pants and go on in to work after all.

They had me scheduled to work the Hive 2-10 in BG's old spot. Doing rec.

I just wasn't really sure if I could do that. But I did. I hadn't been down there for a shift in quite some time. I'd been down for a few moments, dropping off knuckleheads or their property, but not for an entire shift. And certainly not in that spot.

It was comfortable and uncomfortable all at the same time. I knew the job because I had done it for so long that I slipped right back into my getting things done mode and got things done. But I was extremely uncomfortable several times thinking about whose spot I was filling. To me, that will never be any spot but his.

There had been alot of excitement on day shift. Apparently some drug activity and fights over the drugs on B-side. They locked up fifteen (?) I think, during the day. Mostly from B-side.

I think it was a good idea that that big metal shank appeared and disappeared when it did. Do you think somebody knew this would happen? It sure looks that way. It might just be coincidence, but I no longer trust those inside the fence.

Big M was my partner for the evening and he helped me out with the things that had changed in my absence. There had been quite a few changes. I liked some of them and disliked some others. And it kind of galls me that some of the changes that had occurred since I left were some of the things I had been trying to get changed in the six years I was down there.

And the evil swine waited until I left to get them done. Don't that just figure?

Ah, well. The night went well and we got some rec done. Not as much as the Big Guy would have done (he was a machine), but enough. We only left them with maybe a round and a half to get done tomorrow and that aint too shabby.

And I managed to get through the night down there without having to bite my lip or slam anybody to the ground. I consider both of those to be a victory.

For some reason midnight shift has been calling out like crazy but I managed to make it all week without having to pull a double. It was bloody close, though. On Thursday I was number five on the list. If I hadn't been 2-10 tonight I would probably have gotten hit. Tried to volunteer to work a day this weekend to get me off the doubles list, but they were pretty solid so no takers there.

**sigh** I suppose that Monday I will have to volunteer so I can pick a decent spot to work in. Hopefully I pick a spot where I can stay awake and not have to do the Del Norte walk. What a pain. I hate working doubles. But it's been a good long time since the last one so I guess I'm due.

So Saturday will be Log Cabin Day. I don't know if they mean real log cabins or just the syrup. Maybe both. It will also be The Great American Backyard Campout.

Sunday will be National Chocolate Pudding Day. Yay! It will also be America's Kids Day and Descendents Day.

Monday is National Columnists Day, Decide To Be Married Day, "Happy Birthday To You" Day and Please Take My Children To Work Day. Whoever came up with that last one must be a friggin' genius!

Attaboy!

I got some good props for doing pretty much nothing this evening.

Isn't that pretty much the way it goes? The nights you work your buns off nobody says anything. But one simple thing earns you praise and you sit there with your tongue in your cheek and say "Okay. Yeah. I did that."

Somebody heard a rumor (here we go with that again) that there might be something worth finding out on the yard and they were pretty specific about where it could be found. Sgt Uncle T and I went to look and, sure enough, there was.

A long rusty spike of a nail about seven or eight inches long laying in the grass by one of the light poles, right in plain sight. Like someone had dropped it there on purpose hoping one of us would pick it up. Which of course someone did.

It was big enough and hefty enough and still well sharp enough you could have easily killed somebody with it. Several somebodies. And nobody in their right mind wants things like that loose inside the fence. Especially staff. Brrr! It gave me shivers looking at it.

I was more than willing to take one for the team to get rid of the thing. If it meant doing paperwork, that was fine as long as that was no longer a threat to anybody inside the fence.

I stuck the thing in my radio case and went up to do my Del Norte walk. On the way I ran across Lt Chestnut, who was shift commander, and showed it to him.

"How much paperwork do you want on this thing?" I asked.

He looked at it with one eyebrow up and said "It just looks like nuisance contraband to me. Just make sure that it goes away, okay?"

"It will disappear, sir."

"What will disappear?"

"Nothing, sir. Just talking to myself."

Some shift commanders would have wanted a full detailed report with pictures and a map describing where I found it and a property slip and have it stored over in the evidence locker with all of the paperwork that ensued with that as well.

He just wanted it to go away. Hey, I could do that. I carried it with me on my Del Norte walk and, as I went outside of the sally port at the end of my walk, I tossed it into the pool in the creek that runs under the sally port. That pool is three or four feet deep and full of scummy water that's always full of debris and crud. That nail made a satisfying "plook" into the water and went right to the bottom. By the time anyone ever sees it again it will have rusted down to minute particles.

I took it to keep anybody else from having to do the paperwork. When I got back from my walk Sgt Uncle T had written an entry in my file about how professional I was for finding and disposing of the thing.

He ended up doing more paperwork over it than I did.

I got something for nothing. That just doesn't happen very often around here. I think I'll savor the moment.

So Friday I will be 2-10 down in the Hive. In BG's spot. Not sure exactly how I am going to handle that. Just wait and see, I suppose.

Friday will also be Museum Comes To Life Day. I'm glad I'm not Ben Stiller. It will also be Celebration Of The Senses (you got me), International Fairy Day (rolls his eyes), Take Your Dog To Work Day and Ugliest Dog Day.

Is this one of those 'dog days' of summer I keep hearing about?

Ugly Rumors

It was my night up in the comm room, of course. And we all know nothing ever happens up there.

I was well into the shift change rush and Brother D hadn't made it up there yet so I was flying solo for the moment, trying not to get buried.

This one big goofy looking guy I always think of as "Squarehead" was up at the window turning in something or another and talking to somebody else as he did it. he was talking baout this and that and then I heard him say something like this:

"I heard a rumor that there was supposed to be a riot today. Supposedly a bunch of the white supremacist gangs were going to kick off a statewide prison riot at 6:22 this evening."

I thought "Oh snap." And I wondered what, if anything, they were going to do about that. Would they keep the yards closed and just give them a smoke break house by house? Would they call in E-Squad and have them standing by and call it a 'training exercise'? I wondered.

Then as time went by and I didn't hear anything on the radios and it seemed like nothing was going on (about 5:00 pm or so) I thought to myself "I do wonder if he mentioned that rumor to anybody? Surely he did."

But I called Lt Baby Boy and asked him if he'd heard anything about a riot. He just said "Naw!" So I told him what I had overheard. He said he would pass it along.

So about 6:15 when I swapped out with Brother D to go into the P-car I was a little nervous. If something kicked off there wouldn't be much I could do from outside the fence. Unless they managed to climb over the inner fence all I could do is watch basically. I kept my eyes glued to the yard (what I could see of it between the housing units, anyway) and watched like a hawk.

And 6:22 came and went and nothing happened. But I kept a close watch and an ear on the radio.

And nothing continued to happen.

I'm not complaining, mind you. I'm just saying.

I guess it was just a stupid rumor after all. Maybe they were just trying to make us nervous. Maybe they got the dates wrong. Or maybe our guys didn't get the memo and missed out on the whole thing. Who knows?

As long as nothing continues to happen, I'll be happy. That makes it a little harder to find things to write about, but I can live with that.

So Thursday (my B-yard day) will be National Pink Day. I think I'll let Chanel handle the celebration for that one. It clashes with my ensemble. And my eyes. It is also Let It Go Day and Public Service Day.

Maybe it would be a public service to let the pink go! Yeah!