Once In A Blue Moon

It was an odd night. Not bad, but odd none the less.

Somebody new up in the bubble again and that always makes me nervous. I never trust new people up there.

I had heard one time that in the absence of a Sergeant in the housing unit that the bubble officer was tentatively in charge of the house.

Doesn't that mean that you should put seasoned officers in the bubble position? It stands to reason.

I know everybody has to learn sometime. But wouldn't it be better to learn somewhere besides the Hive?

I'm just saying.

So anyway, we're be-bopping around getting med pass and mainline done so we can get on with our night. I'm running around and kicking out trays and listening, as I always do, with one ear on my radio. Not really listening, but waiting for a certain tone of voice or any call with either a "5" or a "49" in it. Or anybody calling my name. I notice there's an awful lot of radio chatter going on, but nobody sounds too excited so i don't pay much attention.

I get into the office and Sgt LB says "Rev, I don't think you'll be doing any rec tonight."

I stop and say "Well, why the heck not?"

He says "Look out the window and tell me what you don't see out there."

So I look out the window and I can't see anything. I mean anything. I say "Hey! I can't see snap out there! Where are all of our................ perimeter lights?" Uh-oh.

The system went down. They closed the place down for a few hours until they fortunately managed to get it fixed. That was close.

We were already short people because of the holiday and we had to pull people from inside to go outside in more vehicles when the system went down. Thank the gawds the maintenance guys managed to get it back up and running again fairly quickly.

We managed to get a round of rec out after it came back up. Only took out a few and half of them started whining right away about how cold it was. Weenies. The other half complained because our basketball was frozen. What a bunch of crybabies.

And to top it all off, I can't even talk about the top secret thing that was found. I'm sure that nobody will ever own up to it or even admit they knew anything about it. But it is going to cast a pall over all of us down there in the Hive.

Grow a set and fess up!

It's All Fun And Games

Until someone gets an eye poked out, anyway.

Nobody lost an eye but KP was assaulted in his nether regions with half a bar of soap. He wasn't seriously hurt, but we had to fill out the paperwork anyway. And it bought the offender an assault on staff charge. That is not going to look good on a resume'.

The idiot had a cadillac string that was obviously made from a torn sheet. So not only does he have contraband, he destroyed state property to make it. KP just went to the kids door and said "Give it up." He gave him the strip of sheet and then threw the bar of soap he was using for the cadillac out the chuck hole and hit KP right in Mr. Happy Land.

I was up in the bubble at the time giving the bubble guy (some new kid) a smoke break when I saw the soap fly out and hit him. I thought to myself "Oh snap, this isn't going to be good." But KP kept his cool and stayed professional the whole time. He wrote the idiot a conduct violation for contraband, destruction of property and minor assault. So I imagine this little cheese weasel will be shuffling off to a C-5 camp real soon. He's not a real ray of sunshine anyway.

Lots of laughs this evening.

That little idiot that we slammed last week? When he flooded his cell and went on suicide watch this weekend, all of the stuff in his cell got wet. And by the time he got off of suicide watch and could get his property back, pretty much none of it was left, apparently. He threw a temper tantrum about that off and on all evening. Until we started ignoring him, anyway. He finally got tired and went to sleep. Part of the problem is that he claims he had 45 stamps in his property. But his property sheet in his file says zero stamps when he came down and he didn't buy any from the canteen since he's been here. So if he did have 45 stamps in his property, they weren't his and they would be contraband. And he can't prove they were his so they won't be replaced.

Damn, it sucks to be him.

I wonder if he'll try holding his breath next? Kicking on the door and screaming profanity isn't working.

Kids nowadays!

And somebody ask the nurse how many boxes of Rice Krispies will fit in her coat pockets. I'm sure you'll get an amusing answer.

Where Are You From?

Just want to wander off topic here for a few minutes. I hope you don't mind.

Now that I am well into my second year of blogging here and subjecting you poor people to the sometimes nasty things I have in my head, I just want to take a moment and thank you.

And I do thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

I started doing this to clear my head. The eight hours a day I spend at work are so full of chaos and screaming and voices filled with anger and hate and discontent that sometimes I don't wonder why I don't go stark raving mad.

Then I come home and let it all flow out here and I can sleep again. It's okay.

Sometimes it does get to me. And you usually get to hear about it. Often in fine technicolor detail. Sorry about that. I do recommend not reading this on an empty stomach. Or on a full one, either, some days.

That's a little contradictory, isn't it?

It still amazes me when I come home and check my statcounter to see who has been reading my blog. I started keeping a record several months ago, listing at first, just the U.S. states, then not long after that the countries. Since I started keeping track I have had hits from every state in the U.S. and from 67 different countries.

I'm trying to collect them all. (grin)

And I look at the isp's the hits come from too. I get lots of generic hits from Charter and AOL and Time Warner and Embarq and Centurytel, Road Runner, Comcast and the like. But there are also lots of servers from schools, businesses and the military. Several banks (one even in Moscow), the FDA, the USDA, several government offices, at least one newspaper and at least once a naval operations center.

That last one was a bit startling.

The fact that I have any readers at all is still kind of startling. That anyone would take the time out of their day to read the horrible stuff that happens in a prison....... And the rantings of someone who works in one, as well.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks.

That and the fact that pretty much nothing happened today. We all came to work (well, most of us, anyway) and got to go home unscathed. The knuckleheads are still knuckleheads. Just another day in the Hive.

Sleep well.

Droppin' Dimes In The Ol' Karma Meter

I must be doing something right. Just missed out on two different uses of force yesterday. I thought it was going to go bad both times.

And then today of all things.........

I got to work and walked up to the metal detector and started dumping stuff out of my pockets. Oh snap! I realized I left my smokes and my zippo in the truck. Had the lads up front keep an eye on my gear and trotted back out to get them, all the while thinking to myself "That would have been a bad way to start the day."

When I get back in I hear "10-49! 10-49! A- yard!" over someone else's radio. Hoo boy.

If I hadn't had to walk back to my truck I would have been standing right there when the fight broke out and would have had to run and get involved. As it was, I missed it completely.

I must be doing something right.

And when I get down to the house Ms. Nancynurse is in there with some newbie nurse. She looked half scared to death. BG tells me "She just wants to do one or two cells, just so she can see how medpass is done down here!"

Yeah, right. I've fallen for that one before. I grumble and gripe and call her a pushy beeotch in front of the newbie (probably scaring her even more) and glove up to get it done.

To my immense surprise, we only do one cell's worth of meds and we're done with the demonstration.

Holy snap! You mean.... I didn't have to do the whole house? Well.................!

I must be doing something right.

And then tonight when they send Chuck this loud doofus fresh off of OJT who seems to think he knows everything to work the floor with him and we get stupid busy with lockups......

I just pretty much got to do rec.

I must be doing something right.

I have a feeling I'm going to be paying for this. If not tomorrow, the soon.

Hey, buddy! You spare a dime?

Yuck

We had a food service worker down in the Hive that I didn't like very much. Aside from the fact that he was lazy and sloppy, he was also one of those whose flame burns way too bright.

Not that I have anything against anybody's legal sexual preferences, mind you. But I do dislike having them right in my face. And this idiot was in everybody's face.

Anyway, KP spotted him palming something the other night and told him to come back. And he kept going up the walk. KP told him to stop again and he kept going and tried to kick something under a cell door.

I wasn't there and I don't know the whole situation, but if it had been me I would probably have hosed him at that point. My interpretation.

What he was trying to kick under the door was a "bullet" of tobacco and rolling papers. They caught him dead to rights and cuffed him up. Big Mess and BG got the onerous task of stripping him out and searching him.

Yuck. Largely overweight and fairly nasty. Several rolls of fat. Big Mess said it was like trying to search Jabba the Hutt. Ew.

And they found more and more stuff on him the more they searched and had him lift body parts. BG said "It was like Fibber McGee's closet! More stuff just kept falling out!"

Ack.

I'm glad I missed that one.

Had a couple of close calls tonight. That little knucklehead we slammed last week decided to go on suicide watch. I guess it's all part of his master plan to get out of C-wing. he threw water all over his cell and kept his tray and told Chuck he was feeling suicidal. I figured he was going to get squirrely just as soon as we pulled him out of the cell. He didn't, tho.

Chuck and Sausage striped him out and left him naked in the cell. He started screaming "Hey! You have to give me a smock and blanket!"

I said "We don't have any." Which was true, at the moment. We had five offenders on suicide watch and all of the other smocks and blankets were dirty. We do laundry Monday mornings and get the stuff back monday afternoons. We had no clean smock to give him.

Fortunately (I guess) I had seen this coming and sent two smocks up to medical for an emergency washing. We can do that now and then.

I told him "In an hour or two when we get some clean ones, you'll get a smock."

He wasn't real happy about that.

And some other knucklehead try and hold a chuck hole hostage and then try to run out of the cell on me. That almost went bad but we managed to keep it contained. Just barely.

I was glad to see the end of this night.

I was glad about several things tonight.

Twas The Night Before Christmas

And all through the house
All the critters were stirring......

I'll just stop right there.

That was going to get ugly.

Suffice to say that we got through the night and nobody got hurt. None of us, anyway.

That little prick we hammered last night is still running his mouth behind the door. Imagine that. He's going to be a continuing problem until we can get him transferred to a C-5 camp.

Then he can be someone else's problem. That used to bother me but I'm okay with it now.

I'd never admit it to that little creep, but I'm stiff and sore from that little ruckus yesterday. I do suspect that I'm getting too old to play with the big boys anymore.

But I'm going to keep doing it for as long as I can. Even though I always end up getting banged up, I enjoy it too much to quit now. Even doing the paperwork is amusing, at times.

Well, I am going to settle in for a long winters nap. You do the same.

Have a good christmas. be nice to somebody who deserves it.

I'll see you again sunday.

Crushed Hopes

It was a case of "Tiny little object meets an unstoppable force."

So anyway, this little idiot got it in his head that he was supposed to have a phone call last night. Started kicking and screaming.

Chuck and I actually checked his file and the computer. He was so pathetic I think we felt kind of sorry for him.

He had nothing coming. Told him he would get a phone call on saturday morning, just like everybody else.

Apparently that wasn't good enough for him.

We didn't think anything more of it and took out the few who wanted to go out to rec. Figured the situation was over.

Nope.

About half an hour later Sgt LB comes out and says "The Lt wants you to bring rec in early. We have a situation that we have to deal with right now." The crew comes out and helps us get the inmates put back into their cells and we assemble in the sally port. Me, Chuck, Big Mess, KP, Sgt LB and Lt Strong.

Sarge says "This idiot is demanding a phone call and he is holding his cellie hostage until he gets it. Captain says we go in and get him out right now. No time for a movement team. We are the team."

I look around at the crew. Once again, I am the smallest guy. 6', 185. Chuck, 6'1" maybe 190. KP, 6' 220. Sgt LB, 6'1" 250. Big Mess, 6'2" close to 275. And Lt Strong, 5'8" 225 with a bodybuilders physique. Biceps like small bowling balls. I try to remember what that knucklehead in the cell looks like. Maybe 5'4" and about 120 pounds.

Ooooooooo..... this is going to hurt.

We go to the cell and tell him to cuff up. He refuses. Tell his cellie (who is up on the top bunk trying to look very small) to cuff up. Knucklehead tells his cellie "If you get down off that bunk, I'll beat your a**!"

Little dipsnap has soaped his floor, hoping we would slip on it and has pillows strapped to his arms, of all things.

Lt Strong says "Open the door." Showtime.

The door pops open and we go in. KP is first, with Big Mess right behind him. Idiot kid takes a swing at KP and they dogpile him into the back wall. By the time I get in there all I see is a wall of blue and white shirts and black pants. I look down and through a little gap I see a leg wearing inmate gray. Eureka! I grab hold of that sucker and set to pulling on it. Trying my best to make it into a little pretzel.

The kid goes down and he's still fighting. Somebody says "Spray him." I look up through the tangle of arms and legs and bodies. I have no shot. Then I hear it........ "Psssshhhhhht!" Ah... the sound of pepper spray. I love it.

Numbnuts starts immediately screaming. "Aaaaah! I inhaled some of that! I'm dying! Give me a drink of water! Please!" What an idiot. He screams all the way out of the wing, with Big Mess and KP toting him like a cheap suitcase.

Sgt LB, Chuck and I look up at his cellie. He's still huddled in the corner. Chuck says "Get down here." The kid flies off the bunk so fast I thought we might have to go again. He turns around and cuffs up and walks docilely out of the cell and sits calmly on the restraint bench.

I nip over to C-wing and the idiot is still crying "Please uncuff me! Please! Give me some water! Give me a shower! I'm dying! Please uncuff me!" And he's shaking so hard they are having trouble getting the cuffs off.

What a fool. I don't imagine he will be trying that again any time soon.

And of course Captain Crane was the shift supervisor. Mister Kill A Tree For Corrections.

Five hours later we get the paperwork done and get to go home.

Nice.