Attack Of The Killer Burrito

Ok, I just couldn't resist that picture. It still gives me the giggles every time I read it.

For the first time today they served burritos for dinner and for some whole reason the entire camp went completely nuts. Half of the offenders on A-side got into fights with each other and half of the ones from B-side checked in for protective custody.

The first fight got a bad radio call. I wasn't even sure where it was, but the control center called it as a 10-5 (officer needs assistance) in 2 house. Chucky ran and I stayed. The way my knees have been acting lately I don't think I could have made it out of the door, let alone all of the way to 2 house. When he was halfway there they changed the call to a 10-49 (a fight), so I didn't feel that bad about not running.

Right about the time we got the second inmate from the first fight locked up and BG and I went to do some rec, they called another 10-49 in 3 house. I could tell how this night was going to go.

We got one caught with drugs and I believe three PC's from B-side. Just steady all night long.

About the time we got done with rec for the evening, the yard dogs started trooping in with property from the housing units. As bag of property number five or six hit the floor the yard dog said "No more burritos!"

Who would have thought mere burritos could have caused so much trouble?

On a side note, the control center crew stopped me on the way out and showed me a list they had been working on. It was characters from the Batman movies, which actors had played them and who here in Raccoon City would be best for the part were they to be filmed here. They had a pretty good cast of characters built up and they had picked me to be the Riddler.

Snif... snif.... I'm so proud!

Missed It By That Much!

That was a close one. Went in to work, on my Monday... always a drag. Stopped in the Admin building to sign in and see who I was working with. I picked up the chrono and said "Oh Snap!" loud enough that all of the broken people on light duty came out of their comas to look at me.

I just shook my head, threw the paper down and muttered "I KNEW I should have called out today!" and stormed out of the room.

In their infinite wisdom, they had scheduled not one, but two trainwrecks to be the floor officers today. What the hell were they thinking? One of tghem was a young punk kid who manages to pull off being arrogant and completely clueless all in the same maneuver. He's emotionally immature and extremely lazy. The other is an older (?) woman who has been with the department for years without apparently learning a thing. I suspect that they just let her sleep in the parking lot for eight hours a day at her other camp, because she acts like she has never been inside the fence before and she seems to have the learning capacity of an Idaho potato.

If I had compiled an actual list of people I never wanted working around me ever again, these two would have been real close to the top. And they scheduled them both to be there on the same day.

There can only be a few reasons behind them doing that to us:
1. They hate us. (Which is probable.)
2. They hate them. (Which is likely.)
3. They hate me personally. (I don't care either way on that.)
4. They hate the Hive. (Which is entirely true. We tend to create paperwork for them.)


I walked into the control center and COI Miz P (Sgt Miz P's other half) looked at me with those big eyes of hers and said "What will you do?" I shrugged and said "It's too late to call out now. I may just have to spray somebody."

So I go on down to the house and think "Well, we'll go do some rec and it will get my mind off of it for awhile, anyway." But when we get there Sgt Strings says "Hey, I'm short people so I need you guys to stay in just in case I might need you."

Well snap! Nothing to do but sit around and stew for an hour and try to think of some way to avert disaster if those two actually show up. The best think I could think of was locking them in the C-wing closet until count time. But that probably wouldn't have worked, anyway.

So I wait.

And at shift change I see a clot of officers coming down the walk and right in front is...... yep.... trainwreck #2. Oh snap. And behind her is Sgt Miz P and some tall lanky drink of water and it's.... the Cowboy! Yay! I don't think I was ever so happy to see him. It seems that trainwreck #1 had called out so they sent us a replacement.

So it was with a clear conscience that I left the Cowboy in charge of trainwreck #2 and told Sgt Miz P "If you need me, call me. Otherwise, I'll be hiding out on the rec yard."

And I did, too.

I would poke my head in long enough to make sure I didn't see any blood and nothing seemed to be on fire and I went back outside.

We survived. The Cowboy and the trainwreck managed to get through the night with no major disasters. I felt sorry for him, but not sorry enough to take his place. That's the price you pay for being the new guy.

I think calling in was the only decent thing trainwreck #1 ever did.

Caution!

Just for the record:
I'm not your mother.
I'm not your father.
I'm not your butler, your maid or your personal assistant.
I will not do your job for you.

I won't clean up your mess when you leave one.

I will neither fix nor cover up your mistakes.

I won't make excuses for your stupidity, your laziness or your attitude.

I don't care if you want to go home early.

I don't care what kind of day you have had. That was then, this is now. There is work to be done, so get up off of your lazy a** and get it done because if you don't it will still be sitting there waiting for you when you come back.

And if you fu*k up my count one more time like that I will staple the blame firmly to your flabby butt cheeks.

And that's all I have to say on the matter.

Have a nice freaking day.

And to those of you who actually did some work during the shift, thank you from the bottom of my heart. We couldn't have done it without you.

All The News That's Fit To Print

Miss Nancynurse came back for one day after being absent without leave (without my leave, anyway) for two whole weeks and gave me hell for not keeping her up on what has been happening in the Hive. The wench!

If anything would have been happening these last couple of weeks I would have had some interesting crap to write about! But no..... there was flood fire and famine and inmates running amok and a major riot and somebody in C-wing swallowed their toilet but here I am writing about Chuck farting out on the rec yard.....

Silly woman.

The truth is..... nothing has really been happening lately. I'm not going to use the "Q" word and I really don't want to jinx us. I've gotten superstitious since I started working down here. The "Q" word is taboo and certain phases of the moon are to be feared. And mentioning aloud how many empty beds we have at any given moment will get you smacked across the chops.

Now there have been a few developments outside the Hive but I am, at this point, reluctant to mention them here out in front of Bob and everybody just yet. Ask me in private and I'll whisper what I have heard. I'm still trying to keep a fairly low profile here.

There was a message board for some of the staff of that "other" prison up the road and it got shut down from pressure by the upper management. I'm trying to avoid that fate. Even though there is little or nothing happening at the moment, this still gives me time to unlax and rewind when I get home.

So keep listening to the radio.

When something happens I'll let you know.

When Body Language Goes bad

Sometimes you can say what you mean best by saying nothing at all. Sometimes saying nothing is the best thing you can do.

Me, I have verbal diarrhea. I can rarely keep my mouth shut about anything. Sometimes even I am surprised at the things that come out of my mouth. The good and the bad.

Poor Chuck got dressed down for talking smack. He's like me sometimes. If they want to talk trash he'll give it right back to them. Sometimes you can get away with it and sometimes you can't. Tonight he couldn't and got called on the carpet for it.

So he was determined to say as little as possible. He made paucity the best policy (look that up in your old Funk and Wagnalls!) and kept his mouth shut for most of the evening. hell, it was all I could do to make him talk to me!

We were out on the rec yard and had a couple of young hard as* gangster wanna-be's out there. We went down to put on back in the cage and let another one out. As Chuck was locking the one back in the cage he said "Hey C.O. You don't wanna walk up on me like that man! You don't want none of this!" (This big talk from a nineteen year old kid who weighs maybe 120 pounds) Chuck just looked at him quietly for a second, then turned his back and Rrrrrrrrrrrip! Let one fly as he walked away.

It was elegant and eloquent and elemental. And I almost fell down laughing before I could get back to my chair. Put the kid right in his place without uttering a word.

And I don't think that kid had anything else to say after that.

Gave Myself The Willies

I couldn't believe it affected me like that. Things in the Hive don't get to me very often.

When an offender comes to the Hive, he gets a stripped down set of his property. He is allowed sheets, blanket, pillow, towel, basic cosmetics (soap, toothbrush & toothpaste), three changes of clothes, stamps and paper, etc. Just the basic stuff he needs (or the state says he needs) to survive. It's not much.

So this guys property comes in and I get out the list and I'm going through it checking for contraband and making sure he gets what he is supposed to have. No big deal. I do that several times a day on average.

And I move his sheets and I see this little pink plastic box. I open it up and there, smiling up at me, are both sets of the guys teeth.

All of the sudden I get a case of the willies all over. I snap the box shut and toss it back down in the bundle and think to myself: "What the snap was that all about?" It's not like I haven't seen dentures before.

I mean really. What the snap?

I've stood and talked calmly to a guy covered in his own poop. Repeatedly. I searched a cell spattered with blood looking for a weapon. I've cut cords for around guys necks who were trying to strangle themselves.

Why in the heck would a pair of naked teeth get to me like that? I dunno. It was weird.

I've seen some strange and weird snit down here and just waded on like it was nothing.

Maybe it just caught me off guard or something.

Monday Blahs

It seems like just yesterday it was my monday and here the sumbitch is again!

It's always the hardest day of the week. Sometimes I feel like I need to be retrained just to come back to work after my weekend. I spend the whole day chasing after myself trying to get re-acclimated to the house. There's new offenders and there is always some little rule that they have changed while I was gone.

But many things are just the way I left them. The Singer is still in C-1, singing his heart out and laughing like the Riddler from Batman. The Flamer is still in B-13 all by his lonesome and the pile of kites we have intercepted from other offenders trying to move in with him grows by the day.

Sgt Miz p is back from vacation and Chuck is back from his two week hiatus after both a death in the family and his annual recert training.

I got my crew back. This is a good thing.

Even if it is a monday.

I survived it. Nobody got hurt and nobody escaped.

Now that it's over, I can say it was a good day.