Stuck, Stupid!

I don't really have anything new to write about. I lost my notes and I can't remember what was next on the list. So I'll just relate a short anecdote about something that happened the other day.

When inmates from the Hive go out to have a visit, they go out in a full set of restraints. Leg irons, cuffs in front hooked to a belly chain. As a matter of fact, until they are released from our house, anytime they leave the house except for recreation, that is how they go out. They get to walk all the way across the camp with maybe eighteen inches of chain between their feet and their hands cuffed in front.

Not very comfortable but, hey, it's their choice mostly. They didn't have to act stupid and get locked up.

So anyway, one of the yard dogs was bringing one back from visit the other day and they stopped in front of the sally port door and waited for it to open. Swabby up in the bubble popped the door and the yard dog opened it and the guy just stood there. We looked at him and I was thinking "Uh-oh... is this going to be a problem?"

I saw the guy trying to move his feet but he couldn't step in the door. He turned and gave me a look like "What the hell are you doing to me?"

I was several steps away and not doing anything at all to him.

Then I looked and saw what the problem was and laughed. When he stopped at the door the chain from his leg restraints had slipped down in the crack in the sidewalk and got wedged. If he had tried hard enough to move he would have fallen flat on his face. We got him unstuck and into the house he went.

And he thought I was standing on his chain.

Do I seem like the kind of person who would do a thing like that?

Hypochondriacs Wanted!

Of course, the crisis du jour is the H1N1 virus. Everybody is panicked by it and somebody is seemingly deathly afraid that our whole prison population is going to be wiped out by it and put us all out of a job.

Don't worry there are still lots of stupid people out there. We'll never run out. Apparently stupidity in this state is like marijuana in California: we have enough for the whole country.

But some egghead somewhere decided that if there is any inmate who we suspect of being positive for the H1N1, then they need to be isolated from the general population.

So they decided to open up one of our empty buildings and use it for an isolation ward.

Nothing wrong with that, eh?

Well, it seems that any inmate with a sniffle, or a cough, or a fever, or a sore throat (right here as the fall rains and cold and flu season get into full swing) is being sent to the isolation ward. They started out with four inmates the first day. That grew to nineteen (I believe) by the time that first night was over. There's no telling how many they have now.

As far as I know, there is not one confirmed case of H1N1 on this camp. And would they tell us if there was? No.

So they have eighteen guys with the sniffles and they send in one guy with H1N1. And they lock them all together in one room.

It's not an isolation ward, it's a petri dish!

And what happens when they lock one up from there? We found out about that. Some genius decided that A-wing will be our isolation ward in the Hive. Flipped a coin or something, I dunno.

But they never told us what to do with the other 48 non-H1N1 suspected inmates still in A-wing. So we just made a bigger petri dish.

When we cleared out two cells and brought in two inmates wearing surgical masks and we were wearing surgical masks while dealing with them..... Well, let's just say that it didn't go over well. The whole wing went ballistic, demanding to be moved out to another wing. They were all wearing towels over their faces and demanding to see the captain or the major asap!

Half of them were saying they were going to file paperwork on us (like we care) and the other half were screaming they were going to call their "people" (like we care) and have our jobs.

Dude, you can have my job! And when nobody shows up to feed you I'll be at home drawing unemployment.

SO after all the hassles and all the room moves and all of the bitching and whining and complaining (and the inmates were even worse) we went back into the office and had a good laugh about the stupidity of this place. Sometimes that is all you can do.

And if somebody really does get sick we're probably screwed.

Off In A Wreck!

I think the next time someone tries to tell me something about another staff member, I am going to shove my fingers in my ears and shout "La la la! I can't hear you!"

Hokey smokes.

I just couldn't let something like that go, tho. It was too bad and it could have gotten some people seriously hurt. I just couldn't not say something.

And of course who was shift commander tonight? None other than our very own Captain "Paperwork will make you free" Crane.

Aw snap.

He wanted to know names and dates and places and who exactly witnessed what...... hell, I didn't know any of that! So he said "I want paperwork from you telling me what you do know and who you heard it from. I'll handle it from there."

And he's going to take it to the Major first thing tomorrow so guess where I am going to be when I get in tomorrow? More than likely.

It's not so much my mouth I need to keep shut. It's my ears!

Moral dilemmas are the stickiest damn things......

Something Doesn't Belong Here

OK, I'm having a major issue. It's almost enough to make the old adage "Ignorance Is Bliss" seem true.

I wrote the other night about the Cockroach and how much I detest him. And I wrote that the reason they locked him up was that he came up behind one of the cooks and rubbed his crotch on her. And he was bragging about it in the wing later when they thought we couldn't hear.

Well I found out tonight that not only was that not the first time he had done that very same thing to her, but she didn't even want him locked up for it this time! They had to force her to go and write a violation.

Clearly, this woman does not need to be working inside a male prison.

KP told me that she is just very meek and mild and doesn't want to make any waves of cause anybody any trouble. She will tell them to get to work and they will tell her to f*ck off and she doesn't do anything at all about it.

And she let that little slime sack hump her backside more than once and she was almost in tears when they locked him up and they made her write a violation.

And what if the next time he got a little bolder and actually tried to rape her? Would she have just pulled her clothes back on and gone about her work?

I repeat: Clearly, this woman does not need to be working inside a male prison.

I have nothing against women working here. Some of our female staff are much tougher than I am and some of them are just some mean bee-otches from the word "go".

I know, I'm married to one of them.

But this woman has no business working here at all. Things like that will get out of hand quickly and somebody will get seriously hurt.

It has to stop and she has to go.

I'm Not Homophobic

Which is probably a good thing, working where I do. I've always said, I don't care what someones sexual preference is as long as it doesn't involve children or animals.

I guess I should quantify that even further. I don't care what two (or more) consenting adults do as long as it doesn't involve anything illegal. But don't involve me in it. I don't want to see it, I don't want to hear about it, I don't want to talk about it, don't let me catch you doing it and do not get into my face about it or we will have problems.

I guess it's kind of like the now-obsolete "Don't ask- don't tell" policy. When it comes to inmates, keep your nasty pie hole shut about what you like to do to whom.

But so much of the conversation in the Hive revolves around sex that it's hard to get away from it and even harder not to hear it for eight hours a day.

And right now we have several "flamers" in our house. And BG and I ended up taking them out to rec tonight. One guy came out of his cell with his hair all up and shiny and his pants as tight as he could get them and his t-shirt tied in a little knot off to the side. He came out of the cell in cuffs with his hips just a-switchin' back and forth and strutted back and forth in front of the wing while we got the rest of them out.

And for some strange reason, a bunch of those who had refused to come out to rec suddenly wanted to go out now.

That one called everybody "honey" and flirted shamelessly for the whole hour.

That wasn't too bad.

The next round we took out this homely little troll out of A-25 that looks for all the world like Richard Simmons and Kathy Bates love child. He spent the whole hour talking about his "husband" over on B-side of the camp and getting in everybody's face about how he was and talking about how many men were after him over there.

The first one I just ignored because he was fairly quiet but that second twit got on my nerves rather quickly and I desperately wanted to find something to write him up for so I wouldn't have to take him out for rec anymore. It's either that or I am going to say something not nice and not at all professional.

Be proud of who you are. That's fine.

But don' do it out on my rec yard.

Revulsion

Have you ever met someone who gave you an instant case of the "creeps"?

Someone whose very existence upset the balance of nature itself and the very sight of them or the mention of their name made you bare your teeth and snarl?

The Cockroach does that to me. And he's back in my house again. Uuuuurgh!

He apparently ran up behind one of the female cooks and started rubbing his crotch on her backside. If that had been me, they would have carried him down to the Hive in several little baskets.

I can't put my finger on any one thing about him that really bugs me other than his continued existence. He's nothing more than a slimy little creep. The kind of person that if you saw him walking down your street you would lock up your wives, daughters, pets, livestock and yourself. Ack!!! I'm giving myself the willies even now just thinking about him. Yuck.

I'm not sure what he is in prison for. I don't want to know. I know too much about him already.

Last time he was in my house it was for masturbating in the hallway up in medical. And we were stuck with him for months and months. Creepy little bastard.

I really hate forcing my troubles on somebody else. But this time I am going to do just that just as fast as I can get it done. I am going to sit on the caseworkers doorstep until they get him his C-5 classification and get him rolled out of here.

Then he can go play his slimy little peek a boo games with the big boys. Let him wag his willy at a place where they will spray the crap out of him every time he does it. I imagine a few applications of pepper spray on Little Johnson and he won't be playing with it too much anymore.

I know I shouldn't let him get to me, but he does. Not very professional of me, I know.

I'll shut up now. Thanks for listening.

I Lucked Out

It seems like every time I find a product that I like they stop making it or it becomes extremely rare. Why is that? Am I just slow to find these things or is it a vast conspiracy to drive me nuts?

About two years ago I needed new boots for work. I figured "No problem, I'll just run down to Walmart and grab me a another pair."

Hah!

Ten stores and two months later I ended up driving almost all of the way out of the state to find a pair of boots in my size.

There are three prisons within twenty miles of my house. You would think some bright boy would be stocking up on inexpensive black work boots around here. But noooooooo........

Walmart only carries them in sizes 6,7 and 8-1/2. The two shoe stores in this area don't have anything. And the local uniform shop carries lots of boots if you want to pay 80-100 dollars a pair for the premium stuff.

I don't make that kind of money! I work for the DOC!

I buy Herman Survivors. They are fairly rugged and lightweight and they will last me two years if I stretch it and they only cost about forty bucks. They are almost as light as tennis shoes and when you spend eight hours a day on your feet on concrete and metal that is a big factor.

But man! They are hard to find!

I needed new boots bad. I discovered a couple of weeks ago when we got the first big rain of the season that I had a serious blowout in my left heel and a hole in the right sole. Spent the whole day with wet socks. That sucked.

I was planning on taking my daughter driving and letting her drive me to Walmart to see if, just on the off chance, they had my boots. But I decided to go myself this evening instead.

I lucked out.

Once I found the shoe department (they have moved everything around yet again), there they were..... a 6, a 7, an 8-1/2... and a pair of 11's! Sweet! I snatched them down and tried them on. Perfect fit! Actually they felt a little funny because I have been so used to walking around with that blown out left heel. I didn't realize how much that affected my walking.

So this rainy season I should be good. I'm sure next year they will have disappeared completely and I'll be forced to drive to Utah or Pennsylvania to find a pair of boots that fit.

Pfui.

Good thing I got plenty of socks....