You Better Check My File!!!!

I love it. Knew it was going to happen and for once I was right.

Mouthy little punk. About three feet tall. Thinks he's hardcore and all that. Great big mouth, little tiny brain.

And he's only gay on the inside. Brags about all the "girlfriends" he's had while he's been in prison, but is embarrassed to admit that they have all been men.

But he's one bad little Mo-fo, for sure.

Finally managed to get himself C-5'ed. Was proud of it. Wore his rating like a badge of how bad he was. Every time someone would get on him about something he would shout "Man, I'm a C-5, mother fu**er! I don't give a fu**! You better check my file!!!"

He bragged and bragged about that. Told anybody who would listen that he was a C-5 and what a bada** he was. Of course when you went to check his file and see why he was such a dangerous critter, you'd discover that it was all for creating a disturbance, disobeying an order, insulting behavior, things like that. Petty, stupid crap. No fights, no assaults on staff, no escape attempts. Just running his pie hole.

So when they finally decided to transfer our own little Hannibal Lecter to a C-5 camp, he waited until they came to take him to the bus and he said "If you try to make me get on that bus, I'm going to kill myself." Because he knew that he couldn't transfer on suicide watch status.

He got his wish and got put on suicide watch and didn't transfer. He thinks that it will keep him in our camp for "a very long time." His words.

So for all his blowing about what a bad little dude he is, it turns out he's too scared to stand up for the consequences of his actions. Imagine that.

But I got bad news for the little smurf. If he wants to stay on our camp, he's going to have to do all the rest of his sentence on suicide watch. Because the second they take him off watch he's down the road to the big bad scary C-5 camp that he's too chicken sh*t to go to.

Nothing but a smock to wear. No mattress. No blanket. No mail. No phone calls. No recreation. Nothing but peanut butter sandwiches and cookies to eat. No cup. No soap.

And to make matters even worse, he pulled a bunch of threads out of the smock he was wearing to try and make a cadillac and he got caught. So they are taking $250.00 out of his account to make him pay for a new one.

He said "I'm not paying for that! And you can't make me!"

Bad news again...... yes, he is. One way or another.

I don't know how much time he has left on his sentence. Years, hopefully.

Let's see how long he makes it in there.

Place your bets.... place your bets....

Soggy Rugs And Weird Feelings

I don't know how other people's minds work. I wish I did. I'd like one day to hear into other folks heads, just to see how mine compares.

Of course, I would not care to take that on a day when I had to go to work.

Not diving into that snakepit. No. No. No.

But I do know that my mind is highly suggestible. Good movies (or I should say strong movies) leave an impression on my mood that lasts for awhile. I remember the first time I saw "Apocalypse Now" in the theater. It was a late night show and I had to walk back through downtown in the dark. If anyone had come suddenly out of an alley that night I would have torn them to shreds with my fingernails and feasted on their bones.

In my own mind, anyway, I was a dangerous critter that night.

Yesterday before work I watched "Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas".

That probably wasn't a good idea.

Was in a twisted mood all the way there. I was mildy startled when I made it to work in one piece.

I quit "drinking" over twenty years ago but I sure could have used one right then. Just to settle my nerves.

That wouldn't have been good.

Not long after I got to the Hive I went up into A-wing for something and the upper walk was littered with pills. I thought to myself "Holy mother of gawd! It's started! Those vultures will tear us apart now for sure!"

Turns out the pills were just antacids and aspirin that someone had thrown out under their door.

I hate my brain, sometimes. And I'd like to go dig up Hunter Thompson and kick his a**.

But I'm feeling much better now.

Spent a good part of the morning steam cleaning the carpeting in my corner of the office. Had a pretty heavy rain the other day and the water flooded up over the edge of the concrete and ran under the wall into my area.

Aint that just nice.

It never happened when the wife had her desk here. It waited until I moved over into this corner.

And now my area smells mildewy. And all the crap I had on the floor around my desk got wet and had to be thrown out.

So I spent an hour or so with the steam cleaner, trying to suck up most of the water and at least kill the smell a bit. It seems to have done the trick, for the most part. But we are expecting more heavy rain for the next few days. I'm sure I'll be doing this again and again.

Flash flood watch in effect for the area.

Snap!

The one thing that just flashed into my mind that I should definitely not do is watch "Shawshank Redemption" before work.

Think I'll just play a game of Risk instead.

Probably safer for everybody.

Hypochondriacs

By now, if you've been paying attention, you all know what a code 16 is. For those of that are new or are asleep at the monitor, it's the radio call for a medical emergency.

It is supposed to mean a life threatening emergency. There should only be six different criteria for calling a code 16:
1. Heavy bleeding. Possible loss of one or more body part.
2. Chest pains. They take that seriously, for some reason.
3. Difficulty breathing. Another big one.
4. Unresponsive. Unconscious. Hopefully still breathing.
5. On fire. Self explanatory.
6. Seizures. Not pretty.

When you call a code 16 a nurse leaves medical at a high rate of speed on a cart and races to wherever the code was called from to assess the offender.

I had to jam my tongue really hard into my cheek to type that with a straight face.

If a code 16 is called for any other reason than those stated above, you are just wasting everybody's time and adrenaline.

Yet the most calls we hear on the radio are for "Dizzy".

WTF???

Since when is "dizzy" a life threatening emergency?

You dizzy? Well, go sit down! Drink some freaking water and lay down until it goes away, fer gawdsakes! Grow a set!

You'd think, being a prison and all, that we would have alot of hardened criminals inside here. Instead we are knee deep in panty-waisted hypochondriacs who want to cry every time they get a skinned knee or a runny nose.

I will still come to work if I am running a fever and leaking fluids from all of my mucous membranes. I would probably come to work in the last stages of ebola with all of my organs turning to mush.

But only so I could give it to one of them. That's just me.

I probably get two or three knuckleheads a day tell me they need to call a code 16 because they are dizzy and they don't feel good. And I tell them the same thing. Go sit down and you'll probably feel better in a little while. If it gets any worse, let me know.

Nine times out of ten, if I ask, I'll discover they had just done a hundred pushups in their cell and now they are dizzy. Or they have a cold.

Duh.

And, of course, like everywhere else in the world, I have heard the term "Swine Flu" used about a hundred times a day. I'm already getting sick of hearing about it. I can't wait to hear the first code 16 for possible swine flu.

It will happen. No doubt in my mind.

I can't wait.

Fight Night

Three fights yesterday. Two on day shift and one on ours. It was odd.

Nobody knew for sure what was really going on. I figured it was just the weather changing. Got storms rolling in and it's getting warm. That has an effect on the mood inside the wire. I've seen it happen.

The last fighters we got on our shift had a story. One of them said something "big" was going down on the yard. Supposedly it's some big crips vs bloods thing. But I know those two players. I think someone was trying to move in on someone else's baby. The one who got the worst end of the fight is a big time player in the baby game. And when he comes to the Hive he'll claim he needs protective custody from anyone you try to cell him with until he gets a cell with a homosexual who is smaller than he is.

Tells you what a tough motherfu**er he is.

He'll even check in from his "homies" so he can cell with a baby. He comes to the Hive so he can get in a cell and get his freak on as often as he wants.

I've got nothing against anybody's sexual preference, but this guy is so slimy and transparent that he just disgusts me.

But there's always that chance that he was at least partially correct and there might be something fixing to go down on the yard.

If that happens we are going to be very very busy.

We had one available bed in the house when we left last night. Hopefully they came and did some releases this morning. But every time they do that they fill us right back up again. If we have ten beds they want to lock up twelve people.

And what do you want to bet that if they decide to lock up a bunch of the gang members "Under Investigation" as they are wont to do in sort of a pre-emptive strike to avoid the violence, they will want them all no contact with each other? I betcha.

All that does is make life more difficult for us.

Like it wasn't hard enough already.

No-Flag Day

This was just odd. One of those WTF moments that caught me sideways and I thought I might infect everyone else with it, while I had the chance. It worked.

The one thing I always do when I drive into the parking lot is look up at our flagpole. I don't know why I do it, I just do. We always have two flags flying, the stars and stripes and our state flag.

Yesterday there was nothing there.

Zip

Zilch

Zero

No flags at all.

That wasn't right.

So I went inside and asked the officer at the front desk "Where the hell is our flag?"

He didn't have a clue. Didn't even know it was missing. Suggested I ask his sergeant. So I went up to the window of the control center, banged on the glass and shouted "Where the hell is our flag?"

He didn't know either. Just like his evil little minion at the front desk, he hadn't even noticed it was missing.

I suggested he start making phone calls to correct the situation.

Amazingly enough, he did.

Suspecting my work still wasn't done, I went through to central and into the lieutenants office. Once there I stood up on my hinds legs and again shouted "Where the hell is our flag?"

They were dumbfounded that it was missing. It was suggested that maybe it would have blown away in the wind. I could see it happening to one flag, but not both at the same time. One of those suspicious bastards suggested that I had made off with them as some sort of joke.

I was appalled.

Aghast.

Affronted. Aloud.

I suggested (in a somewhat injured tone) that they make some phone calls to rectify the situation.

Amazingly enough, they did.

I don't think they ever did find our flags. They were still not in evidence when I left for the evening.

But it least I gave the paper pushers up front something to do for a little while. If you don't rough them up now and then and get their blood flowing, they start to atrophy. Their butts begin to adhere to the desk chairs and it gets harder and harder to pry them loose.

I still want to know what happened to our flags, tho.

If they are not there this evening, I'm going to see the warden.

There's no real reason to stir the pot, other than for my own amusement. But if you gotta stir it, you might as well use the biggest spoon you can find.

Retraining

I have been gone from work for nine days. Seems like months. Seems like hours. My vacation is over and it's time to go back inside the Hive.

Every time I leave for any extended period I experience a chill as soon as I step back inside the wire. A moment of almost panic as the reality of where I am settles in. It's almost like I need retrained before I can go back in safely. Ironically, this happens at least once a year after I have my annual week of training. (wry grin)

Last night as I was trying to settle in to sleep, I flipped through the teevee channels and found myself watching "Lockup" on MSNBC. I had never watched this show before. It's about prisons all over the country, if you haven't seen it. Pretty good show.

Not very settling for the mind, tho.

I kept seeing images and situations that would send an alert signal into my brain and I'd start up and think "Holy crap! That's what I do for a living!"

After they showed a segment where an officer got assaulted and nearly died, I changed the channels. I think I watched "CSI Miami" until I fell asleep.

I try to have fun at work. And I try to have fun here on the blog. I rant and rave about poop and blood and stupidity of both inmates and staff alike. I vent and blow and point fingers and say "WTF???"

But in the back of my mind is the thought that I could get seriously hurt or even killed doing what I do. I've been hurt a few times, but nothing bad. I have seen other staff get hurt pretty badly and always thanked providence that it wasn't me.

But someday it could be. All it takes is one moment of distraction. I try not to get distracted.

So I'll step inside the fence this afternoon and have my little moment of shivers. Then I'll get over it and keep my eyes open and do my job. Watch my own back and those of my fellow staff. I grow eyes in the back of my head and keep my hands free and try to never cross my feet so I can jump in any direction.

It's not a fun place to work. It can be comical in certain situations. But the reality of it is that prison is not a fun place to be, no matter what side of the door you are on.

And if I ever walk in and the shivers don't stop, then I'll turn around and walk back out again.

Summing It All Up

Day nine of my vacation. The very last day I get to sit home and do nothing. For awhile, anyway. Probably until about this time next year.

And what do I have to show for it?

Very little, I'm afraid. I spent the lions share of my time right here in front of my 'puter. Blogging, playing games and watching movies. I just looked at the list and I watched eight movies in nine days.
Apocalypse Now
The Guns Of Navarone
Russian Ark (which was cool and incomprehensible because it was all in russian)
The Pink Panther
Enter The Dragon (Bruce lee)
Return Of The Dragon (even more Bruce Lee)
The Big Boss (Yet again Bruce Lee)
and Where The Buffalo Roam (not Bruce Lee, but close)

Kind of an eclectic list.

I also watched the entire set of Stephen King's "Kingdom Hospital" which was mind-bending and bizarre.

And that was just what I watched on the computer. The wife and I also watched a few movies on the teevee including "The Spirit" which just came out this week. It was silly and schlocky and kind of stupid in spots but it was great fun. It was like reading the old Will Eisner comics. I enjoyed it, my daughter was bored by it and the wife thought it was so stupid she was mad at me for renting it.

Ah, well. You can't please everybody.

In the meantime I walked about ten miles on the treadmill, mowed the lawn and replaced the guts in both of our toilets. The water here is so hard we have to replace things about once a year.

And I played about twenty games of Risk on the computer. I never get tired of ruling the world, it seems.

What else? Hmmmm......

I've taken my daughter out to drive several times. She's getting pretty good and should be ready for her drivers test soon. I played about halfway through "Tomb Raider- Anniversary" for the Wii and all the way through (yet again) "Resident Evil 4".

It sounds pretty much like I spent the last nine days sitting on my butt. Which I did, for the most part. It was a vacation and I relaxed. Of course, I spent the first three days of it sick as a dog. But at least I got that over with.

So I'm all rested up and ready to go back to work tomorrow. I guess.

I hope something weird happens.

I'm running out of stuff to write about!