Nobody To Snap At

If anybody happened to be standing outside around 4:30pm CST and hear a primal scream off in the distance, it was probably me.

I made a couple of boneheaded mistakes on my count sheet and didn't catch the error in time. Two of the errors cancelled each other out but the third did not. I ended up with a number that claimed I had one more inmate than I actually had. I tried to find it and Sgt Banty tried to find it and Grasshopper leaned over my shoulder and tried to find it..... nothing.

Finally, as Sgt Banty was on the phone explaining to Capt CJ why I hadn't called count yet (eight minutes late) I caught the mess up with a loud "Ah-ha!" How embarrassing.

In the meantime the phone is ringing off the hook with people saying "Did you call count? I didn't hear it."

At least down in the Hive I had somebody to yell at if things went wrong. There was always some dunderhead willing to say the wrong thing at the wrong time and get a quick blistering in return.

Now I gots nobody but myself to yell at. And I'm mean.

The only bright part of my day (besides going home afterwards) was when Miz Twang came up to save my bacon. And the first time she brought me a big cup of fresh coffee from the gas station and a brand new bag of wintergreen Life Savers. She pulled my dinkie out of the fire a few times tonight.

Why, if she wasn't engaged to one of my best friends and I was mumble-mumble years younger.... Ah well.

I really do wonder if I have the sense or the mental stability for this post.

Hopefully it gets better with time. They are all really pushing me to bid in up there at least for a six month stint. I have a feeling that I might be a gibbering basket case after six months.

I'll have to think about it. That will look good if I go ahead and try to promote.

(See the picture above for the sigh)

I got two days off and then it's back at it again...... Whoop!

So Saturday is going to be Swap Ideas Day, National Lacemaking Day (really?) and Suicide Prevention Day.

Sunday will be No News Is Good News Day, Grandparents Day, National Hug Your Hound Day, Patriot Day and Remembrance Day.

Monday will be National Pet Memorial Day and National Chocolate Milkshake Day as well as National Boss/Employee Exchange Day and Video Games Day.

I'm not trading places with my boss. No sir.

Got a One Day Break

Got a one day break on the yard and then it's back to the fishbowl again!

Gonna keep this one short and sweet. I slept poorly and arose too early and I spent half the night with a sore throat and trying to lose my voice. It was a good thing I didn't need it. I sure hope it goes away by tomorrow. It's me and Big'un and Sgt Banty and Grasshopper tomorrow.

Hoo boy.

Friday is going to be Teddy Bear Day and Wonderful Weirdos Day and Stand Up To Cancer Day.

And to all you wonderful weirdos, goodnight.

That @&$*!@% Murphy!!!

Let me see if I can get the chain of events clear in my head here.... My brain is still racing around like a chihuahua on crack. I feel like I got run over by a bus full of wobbleheads.

Yesterday Sgt Puddle said "If Stubby calls out again, I'm going to pull you out of the Comm room and up to the Fishbowl." I said I was okay with that. After all, I still need the experience.

He did and he did and I'm still kicking myself for agreeing to it.

I jinxed myself. I know it. Crowing about what a calm day it was on Monday being a holiday and how easy I managed to skate through a transfer day, all things considered.

I freaking jinxed myself.

Everything was fine right up to the 4:30 count. Then it all went to snit from there.

LB calls from the Hive and says "You're going to hate me, but we have a screw up. They released one from here this morning and never changed it in the computer. All they did was erase him off the board. But this guy aint here. He's in 10 house."

And sure enough when we checked the computer, it still said he was in the Hive. Okay. Bad, but fixable. If the Hive is down by one and 10 house is up by one we are reasonably sure the numbers match. Called 10 house and had them do a visual ID and make certain that guy was in there.

Then 30 house calls with a bad count. Tells me they have 292 in house and I knew that was wrong. They only had 298 assigned and I knew that 100 of them were in laundry and 4 of them were out on work crews and one was in the Hive. And Sore gets pissed at me when I tell him it's wrong.

Standard operating procedure at that point is to call all of the places on B-side that might be the problem for a recount. Dining, laundry, medical and main production. We call and start a recount there.

Sore calls back and says oops, they have 192. No, that's still wrong. He's mad again. Sgt Puddle is on the phone calling the Lt and saying we have a problem.

One more call. 195. Nope. Now I'm about two minutes away from having everybody sent back to do a recount of the entire camp. And when we do that we have to start calling people on the outside including the local police department to let them know our count is bad and we might actually be missing somebody.

I really don't want to do that. Really.

We actually stretch it for an additional two minutes and they finally call back with the right number. Whew! That took about 17 minutes longer than it should have and I was sweating bullets.

We get through count and chow and open the yards. About 20 minutes after the yards open we have a code 16 (medical emergency) for chest pains. I don't hear anything more on that for awhile. Next thing I hear is we need to clear A-yard for the ambulance that's "two minutes away"!

What? Umm..... We are the ones who are supposed to call for the ambulance and they have to tell us so we can have the paperwork ready before he can leave the camp! Aw, carp!

Sgt Puddle was out front talking to Peggy Sue and I wave him back up in a big hurry. I get another big squeezy hug in the process (hey, I'm 2 for 2!) and put him to work. I have no idea how to do an outcount like that fast enough to get it done before the ambulance arrives. Sgt Puddle can knock it out in a heartbeat and he does so then runs over to get it signed. In the meantime they pull some newbie we had up in the fishbowl and are sending him and Sausage out with the ambulance.

Right before the ambulance shows up we have another code 16 in 1 house for chest pains. Aw! What the snap!?!

Captain CJ calls me to get hold of the Major at home for her and he doesn't sound happy when he answers the phone.

I manage to sneak out for a quick smoke and to deliver a message to the newbie when I hear a call for a code 70 (fire alarm) in B-dining! Snap again! Trying to think. Who is here on the fire brigade besides me? My brain is toast. I can't think of anybody.

Run back inside and shout to Sgt Puddle "Who is here besides me?" He shakes his head. I think it's just you!" Snap squared!

Up to the comm room I go to get keys and a radio and truck across the yard towards dining. As I get near I see them taking an inmate in cuffs away from the chow hall and i screech to a stop. There's not supposed to be anybody in there this time of night! What the....

Turns out The Watcher (aka Phoenix Tears) was here tonight and he cleared the alarm.

Sgt Uncle T was driving by on the cart and saw the alarm lights going off. He pulls down by the chow hall to investigate and sees an offender inside beating on the window. He'd been in the bathroom and when Towtruck locked up and left, he locked this guy in the building. The kid got scared when he couldn't get out and pulled the fire alarm.

Hoo boy. I wouldn't want to be in Towtrucks shoes when he comes back tomorrow. He'll be lucky if he gets left with one butt cheek to sit on.

When I get back up to the fishbowl, Captain CJ has me call Towtruck, the Fire and Safety guy and the Major at home again. And yes, he still sounds pissed off.

Things go fairly smooth for almost an hour when I hear a loud garbled call over the radio:

"Garble garble nine! garble D-wing!" Whoever it was sounds excited. Uh-oh...

"10-9 your traffic?" 10-9 means repeat.

"Garble garble nine! garble garble D-wing!"

And then "10-6 the 10-49 garble garble." Sounded like someone from the wobblehead house. 10-6 means it's under control.

Holy freaking snap. I almost said "What's next?" But I knew better.

So we are locking up two from 9 house, apparently. For fighting.

It's getting close to count and I call medical for their numbers and Lt Farmer answers.

"Whattaya need, Rev?"

"I need their count."

"Well, they're kinda busy. Doing CPR on one in the back right now."

"Really?"

"Yep!"

"Oh snap."

They got him going again and were debating on sending him out to the hospital as well. Then we got word that the guy we sent out earlier was going downhill and they were going to move him to a different hospital. Which, of course, takes more paperwork that I don't know how to do yet.

Needless to say I wanted to kiss midnight shift when they showed up. I was ready to run as fast as I could out to the parking lot before anything else happened.

Tomorrow night I am on the yard. And I'm staying there if I have to nail myself to a tree.

Thursday will be National Date Nut Bread Day and Pardon Day as well as International Literacy Day, Virgin Mary Day and World Physical Therapy Day.

I'd settle for the bread.

D'oh!

When I looked on the way out they had me scheduled for the control center again. I was happy and nervous. Tuesdays and Thursdays are transfer days.

Those are the days we trade inmates with other camps. Ours transfer out in the morning and theirs transfer in in the evening, right about shift change.

And 9 times out of 10 if count is screwed up bad enough that we have to do one of those "Send everybody back to their housing units and count them again" counts it's on a Tuesday or a Thursday.

I had yet to work up there on a transfer day. But I told myself "It's okay. Stubby will be there and he knows how to do transfers. I can watch and learn some things."

When I got to work I remembered where I was working and what day it was. And again I told myself "It's okay. Stubby will be there and he knows how to do transfers. I can watch and learn some things."

I came in and looked at the chrono and, sure enough, I was in the control center.

I said my little mantra again.

Then, just to be nosy, I looked up at the list to see who had called out.

Just one name on the list.

I'll give you three guesses.

Yup. It was him.

D'oh!

Okay, Rev. Don't panic. Let's see who is up there with me. Sgt Puddle. Excellent. I'm not completely hosed. Big'un.....of course. He's always up there these days. And... Mr Coffee.

D'oh!

I said a few more quite unladylike words right about then. And seriously considered having a sudden case of appendicitis. Or strep throat. Or pink eye. Or even strep eye and a pink appendix.

And right about that time (abut ten minutes before shift change) the transfer bus rolled in.

D'oh! Oh snap.

And silly as* me, I went on up there and started checking my numbers, feeling about as perky as a man walking to the gallows. Oh my. 43 outcounts and 4 sleepers (which screw up count something fierce some days) and 13 on the transfer bus.

To my incredible surprise, Ms Swabbie was already doing the transfers in the computer and she got them done right after I got up there. I didn't get to watch but at that point I didn't care. She had done the hardest part of the number crunching and if she didn't make any mistakes, my count should be good.

Between my ham handedness with the numbers and somebody forgetting to tell me that they had locked up two right before count it was very nearly screwed up. I had to do some fast tap dancing and recalculating and swapping numbers but it finally came out in the end.

Whew!

The places I am screwing up are simple and boneheaded. I had 2 outcounts from 10 house but I wrote down a 10 instead of a 2. Like a fool. Simple things like that are catching me up.

And to make things worse there was something big going on somewhere that involved several calls to one of the police departments in the next county, a call from the Captain for the head of maintenance and a call to the Major. I never did figure out for sure what was going on with that. But it was just enough extra input to get me flustered, apparently.

We made it through, but it was a close call.

And Stubby, wherever you are, you're a jerk.

You better have been sick and not just fishing or I swear I'll spank you.

On a lighter note, Wednesday will be Neither Rain Nor Snow Day. Maybe I'll get some good news in the mail. It will also be Google Commemoration Day, Salami Day and Grandma Moses Day.

Go wild with the celebrations.

Relaxed Into It

Back up in the control center again today. As it was a holiday I was hoping I could run the desk so I could have a chance to get more relaxed into the position.

I did, and it worked. I only panicked once and just briefly.

On a holiday there are minimal square staff and no education and few work crews and very seldom any extra whoop-de-doo going on. So both counts would be fairly easy.

Of course almost anybody could do the count up there with minimal training on a calm day when nothing is happening. If I can learn it, anybody can.

It's those days when you have three fights and two 10-5's and six emergency outcounts and an assault and they decide to lock up six inmates at 9:59pm that your true colors show out. Then stuff gets real exciting and you have erased and rewritten your numbers until the paper is tissue thin and the Captain is up there leaning over your desk wondering WHY count hasn't cleared yet.

Those are the days you fear and dread and train for and hope they never come. But if you stay up there long enough they will come eventually.

This evening it was me and Meanie and Sgt Puddle. About 9:00pm, Sarge had to run over to central to deliver some paperwork or something, leaving me and Meanie up there by ourselves. i got my count sheet out and started crunching numbers. Laundry was clear and the only thing I had left was Medical and Mr Toad called his count from there early.

I added up all my numbers and whoops..... That's not right. I was way off. Took a deep breath and started again slowly and carefully and re-added everything. This time it came out right. Whew! That was close.

When I said it all added up, Meanie said "Hey, it's 9:45! We got this!"

I said "Don't jinx me. I've seen the whole world go to snit at 9:59 before. Not from up here, but from out there. All I know is that the people up here tend to get real testy when that happens. It aint pretty."

Sgt Puddle came back right before count and I gave him a thumbs up. I think he stayed away just to see if I could handle it by myself. I did, but like I said, this was an easy night.

All in all it was a good night. Peggy Sue stopped by to visit and I got one of those big squeezy hugs that always make me feel warm all over. Got to go out and smoke with her and chat for a few minutes. It's always nice seeing the Boss Lady.

I have heard rumors that Miz Avon is talking about bidding back in the control center. That should be a good thing. I think she worked up there for awhile and did pretty good. All we need now is for Miz Twang to get better and come back to work and we will have a full crew up there again. Then maybe I can go back to being a utility infielder.

Maybe some day soon they will have enough people that they won't need me anymore. That will be fine, too.

I didn't start this with an eye towards being up there full time. I wanted to learn enough about it that if things went south maybe I could step up and try to fill in a gap. I haven't quite done that yet, but I think I'm getting there.

And yes, I am trying to assuage some of the guilt I felt for bailing on Sgt Banty that one night. Now I am desperately trying to say enough "Hail Mary's" to atone for that misdeed. Not being catholic, I don't know for sure how many is enough. I guess when I get good enough that I can handle one of the rough nights I'll know when it's enough. And if I can bail somebody out of a jam some night then I know it will have been enough.

All I can do for now is just keep on trying.

Tuesday is going to be Fight Procrastination Day. I was hoping to put that off until later, but there it is. It's also going to be Another Look Unlimited Day. That seems like a worthy effort.

Off My Square

I'm a person with a fairly small comfort zone. I like doing the things that I do and getting good at them and I'm not real happy when I have to cozy up with change.

That's one of the reasons that I stayed in the Hive for so long. It was a horrible wretched stressful place to be, but it was what I knew. It was probably shortening my life working down there for so long. And it took a case of tendonitis so bad that I started losing the use of my arm to get me out of there.

Even with that it took a real effort to make myself move out into a new place and learn to do new things. Just like the agonizing and nail biting that I went through first to step up into the control center and then to put myself on the Sergeants register. I can't tell you accurately how those decisions bothered me and how much sleep I lost over both of them.

But I left the Hive and went out onto the yard and the comm room. And after awhile I got comfortable again. Occasionally working a housing unit wasn't too bad. They were just like a tamer version of the Hive. No big deal. Even working a 2-10 spot was still okay. I had to leave an hour earlier but it was close enough to being within my routines that it didn't throw me off too much.

I've got my routines. And I stick with them as much as I can. I even have my computer to nag me about the things I need to do each day. Take your meds! Exercise! Write something! Read a book! I growl and bare my teeth and make up new words to say in reply sometimes.

Today working the 12-8 spot had me all messed up. I felt like I had to rush through my morning and I skipped my workout and my timeline was off all day long. Especially after they moved me temporarily when I got to work.

I was upstairs getting my keys and radio when Shoal yelled up the stairs and said "Call Lt Gerber!" Snap. When I called he said "Go up to the control center. Someone has to go home sick. Then go work dining after you get relieved."

So I spent the first three hours of my shift up there working with two guys I barely know. Well, I know them, but I've never really worked with them before. And seeing me up there so early in the day was making people stop in the sally port and do a double take. They would give me that "What the snap?" look and I'd just shrug and shake my head...

It felt like I had been up there for half the day and I looked at my watch and it was only 2:00 pm. It startled me. That's the time I usually leave for work and that realization reset my internal clock to my regular schedule. So even though I had been at work for two hours my body felt like I just got here and my mind was going "Nooooooooo...........!"

Needless to say, I was just messed up all day long. Finally managed to get down to dining to work with that silly knucklehead Goosey. We made it through chow and the cleanup and I was pretty happy when it was time to go home.

And once again my internal clock kept jacking with me. I was a few minutes early on my way out so I stopped to smoke and chat with Captain CJ outside. Then I went in and had a short discussion with Lt Strong in central. Visited with Stubby in the control center on the way through. And of course I couldn't help but spend time with my two favorite broken girls, Miz Twang and Sgt Miz P outside. They always make my day.

After all of that I was about 45 minutes late getting home. I'm tired as hell and my mind and body can't decide what time zone I'm in.

I think I really need to practice being more flexible, don't you?

So here's the weekend lineup.
Saturday is Skyscraper Day and apparently nothing else. Awesome.
Sunday is Newspaper Carrier Day (Just for you, Joe!), International Drive Your Studebaker Day and Oatmeal Day.
Monday will be Be Late For Something Day (there goes my schedule again!) and Labor Day.

Time to put all of those white jumpsuits back into the closet for the season.

What Don't You Do With A Gift Horse?

It had been a couple of weeks since I had to walk the Del Norte. Last week Meanie took it so he wouldn't have to count and the week before I traded someone else for something they didn't want to do.

This week there was nobody else but Sausage and I knew he wasn't going to do it.... So I was stuck. I wasn't looking forward to it. Today was pretty hot. The thermometer in my van read 111 when I got in it this afternoon. But it did cool down to a frosty 103 by the time I got to work. That was a plus.

Since my little pocket notebook got used up I got a new one last week and I lost my master list of the Del Norte lights that aren't working. So I got the new one out and prepared to write down the light numbers. I got all the way to pole #10 before I realized that there hadn't been a single light out so far!

What the heck?

I looked back down the line of lights to see if I had missed any. Nope! Wow.

Somebody fixes things around here. Cool.

Got to #12 and there was one light out. Okay. Here we go. I wrote down a "12" and walked on.

And walked and walked and walked.

When I got done I looked at my notebook and had a "12" and a "32" written down. Seriously? Only two lights broken out of the 48 that I check. That had never happened to me before. Last time I think I wrote down sixteen lights.

And when I got down to zone 11 where the creek runs when it rains I almost tripped and fell in shock. Someone had gone out and built us a metal walkway over the creek bed. We could cross the creek and not fall off one of those stupid cinder blocks! Yay!

Further along there were two more metal walkways over the smaller creek beds as well!

Somebody has been busy!

When I got back up front and mentioned it, Sgt Puddle said "Yeah. We have VIP's coming in for an inspection next week. They are sprucing the place up a bit."

Now I hate inspections and have little use for VIP's just like the next guy. But we have gotten more stuff fixed in a week than we have in years!

These guys may have to come back more often. Maybe I can take a few of them for a ride on the B-side golf cart and they can see how bad the steering wobbles and the fact that we have no brakes. Maybe we can show them some of our fancy brand new ten year old computers.

Of course if we show them too much of the messed up junk we have to work with, they might just say "This place is too old to fix. Tear it down."

Then what would I do?

Friday I have to be in at noon. Not happy about that, but at least I get to leave early. And much to my surprise it will also be National Beheading Day. Oh good grief. I'm not happy with that one bit! But it will also be Bison-Ten Yell Day, V-J Day and National Lazy Moms Day.

I guess I can live with that.