An "Open" MRI

I have never before in my life had an MRI before and I believe the next time I will just say "No thanks!" If they can't figure it out with x-rays them I'm probably going to die.

First off, I'm just a teensy bit claustrophobic. I wouldn't have made it in one of those tunnel things. But even if this thing was open on the sides having that huge steel plate an inch from the end of my nose was enough to give me the heebie jeebies.

They could have at least put a "Where's Waldo" poster or something interesting to look at on the bottom of that thing.

The guy was nice. He tried to make me as comfortable as possible, giving me supports for my feet and my other arm and all. He even turned on a classic rock station for me to listen to. It's too bad playing air guitar is frowned upon while getting an MRI. I'll bet that would have looked awesome.

But even as nice as he was, I still had to lay there for almost a solid hour, completely still. My body complained. I had muscle spasms and itches would pop up where I couldn't scratch them. Those were maddening. And I got this weird little muscle spasm in my chin in the middle of the thing that felt like a spider was crawling on my face. That was almost the end of it for me.

For a while I lay there while this thing went "wop wop wop wop" and "dit dit dit dit". I tried to pretend I was in a big video game and I was zapping enemy space ships. But that only held my interest for a little while. What was mostly on my mind was that my arm and legs were stiffening up and that it was going to be pretty dang painful when it was over.

At one point during the procedure I felt like I needed to fart. I almost went ahead and did it, as I was the only one in the room. But then I thought "Oh snap! If I fart in this little enclosed space it will choke me to death!" so I held on to it.

And being a guy and since most guys think farts are hilarious the more I thought about it the more I had to fight myself from breaking out in a case of the giggles. I had to fight to control my breathing and force myself to think of something else or I would have been history. I know how I get. Once I start laughing like that I'm done for 15 or 20 minutes or so. I'd lay there and just go "Hum.... hum.... hum...." and put my mind on something else for awhile. But every time my insides would make a noise I was there again, going "Hum... hum... hum...." trying not to bust out laughing.

It was a tough battle, but I made it. I almost feel like I deserve a medal for that fight.

And I was right on the money about how it felt when I was done. The first chance I got to stand up I couldn't bend my arm again. Finally I grabbed it with my other wrist and something in the area of my elbow went "Snap!" And not like an exclamation, the way I use snap. Like something had to break loose in order for me to bend my arm again. That kind of snap.

Oh yeah, that hurt.

And my knee, which had been feeling better, had stiffened back up and ached all day long, even wrapped up in an ace bandage. I limped around the yard all evening.

We had a pretty good night, even though Captain Fluffy was on one of his rampages about pat searches again. he sat on the cart and watched us pat search at mainline and then rode around on the cart during open yard and watches us pat search some more.

Luckily some storms rolled in with lightning and he closed the yards early so we got a break. And the Meanie took my turn on the Del Norte walk, which was very nice. We got to spend alot of time sitting around the shack and watching the storms roll by.

Tomorrow I'm back in the Hive 2-10 in BG's old spot again. It won't be as hard as the first time was, I'm sure. But if those little knuckleheads down there are playing their stupid little games again like they were earlier in the week somebody is going to get their feelings hurt. And maybe some other bits of them too. I already had enough of that snit to last me for awhile.

Friday will be Video Games Day. Ack! I hope it aint like the boring one I played this morning. It will also be Collector Car Appreciation Day.

I think I'll just appreciate that I have a car at all, even if it's not a collectable.

A Post!

Don't blame me for this. It was Sgt Uncle T's idea. After reading the post about what I carried in my lunchbox he said "Next time you get stuck for an idea, just post a post!"

So there it is.

Looking for that picture has been the most work I have done all night.

Except for writing the zombie story, that is. I had started to write something else when suddenly this zombie story poured out of my head. It was the end of the series that FlyinMonkey is writing. He said he's got a few more to do and then I get to end the story my way.

That is so sweet.

Well, I hope you enjoyed the nice post. Especially the boot. I thought that was special.

I have to get up early tomorrow and go get my MRI done. That should be fun.

Thursday (B-yard, yay!) will be National Strawberry Sundae Day. Oh freaking yum yum yum! It's also Chocolate Day and Tell The Truth Day.

Mixed Feelings

When I got up this morning my arm hurt like the dickens. That dull ache that I get when I use it too much these days. And my right knee was slightly swollen from doing all that running around last night. I figured that was coming.

Had an appointment with the doctor this morning. Actually, the Nurse Practitioner who works for the surgeon whom I haven't met yet. Filled out some forms and answered alot of questions. She tweaked and pulled on my arm and there was alot of "Does it hurt when I do this?"

The answer was usually "Yes!"

They took x-rays and I got a neural pathways (?) test. She stuck some electrodes to my arm and fingers in different spots and made my fingers jump like a frogs leg in a skillet. I don't know what it was supposed to show but the look on her face was promising.

I have an appointment on Thursday afternoon to have an MRI done on my arm and then on the 19th I go back and might actually get to meet the doctor himself. I'm hoping that something can be done to fix this and I'm really hoping that the recovery time is going to be fairly short.

Okay, I know I'm probably fooling myself, but I can still hope.

So they put me on 9 yard when I came in today. I wasn't too thrilled, as my knee was achy but I had wrapped it up good in an ace bandage before I left home and that helped. That yard can all be watched from one location, which is good. I could sit in the shack and keep an eye on everything.

Had to sit in the shack with the door and windows open in the heat because there's some mildew in the a/c unit and it reeks to high heaven when you turn it on. Ack!!!

Luckily we had a good night down there and none of the wobbleheads got stupid. They didn't make me run or even walk at a fast pace. Not once.

But even with the achy knee and the sweltering heat I was pretty happy that I wasn't down in the Hive. The radio traffic was all calling the Sarge to this wing or that and calls to the zone lieutenant and the captain.... It sounded like the snapheads down there were still playing their games. I guess since some of the biggest snapheads went on suicide watch the rest of their little buddies did the same thing to get in the same wing with them.

It's too bad our old Pshrink isn't here anymore. If he heard that someone was playing the suicide watch game to get a cell move or something he would leave them on watch for a whole week. That usually stopped that game in it's tracks for quite some time.

Alas, things aren't like they used to be. It's just not as fun down there any more.

Wednesday (comm room!) will be Teacher's Day and National Applesauce Cake Day. That just sounds yummy. Never had any but it sounds good. It will also be Take Your Webmaster To Lunch Day. That's a new one on me. Take him out for some applesauce cake!

Oh snap! I almost forgot I wanted to leave you with a link to the song that has been stuck in my head all week. Sons and Daughters by the Decemberists. Give it a listen!

No Fireworks For Me

And that really sucked. Every year I have managed to see the fireworks either at work or on my way home. Some years BG and I sat out on the rec yard and watched. Some years they were later and I pulled off the road on the way home and watched them from my truck window.

This year I was in the office in the Hive working my butt off trying to make sure our numbers were straight while they were going off right outside.

It was just like the bad old days. Almost, anyway. The only thing we didn't have (and I didn't even mention it until I was outside the fence) was a use of force. And I'm surprised we didn't. We were all so fed up with the inmates playing their stupid little games...

Well, I won't say what I wanted to do. Just imagine that I said something that would have been really satisfying and unprofessional.

Started my night out with a smile on my face. I was an extra on the yard. We got done with the inner perimeter check quick because there were three of us. And right before I went out to the yard Sgt Ms Archer caught me and gave me a huge piece of cake to stick in my lunchbox for later. Fresh moist chocolate cake with a big slab of the real cream cheese sugar icing and not that foam stuff they use nowadays. That would have gone down perfect after the leftover steak and baked potato I had brought for my dinner.

Sgt Uncle T picked me up on the cart and I got to ride maybe half a lap when the Lt called on the radio to send me to the Hive for the rest of the night.

I was so bummed.

With holidays you stand a 50/50 chance. They will either be completely dead or they will be crazy as heck.

We rolled snake eyes this time. It was nuts.

Right after count they call with two lockups. One suicide watch and one PC. Then another for creating a disturbance. They all got there about five minutes apart.

I flew into the 'get it done' mode and started doing files and getting ready for them. I got done with the last of the files when the first one walked in the door. Since I hadn't been down there in a year, I thought I did pretty good keeping up.

Then this idiot in B-wing tosses a note on his tray as he passes it out that says "My cellie keeps hitting me and leaving bruises."

Well, we couldn't ignore that. He stated that his cellie assaulted him. So we get him pulled out and shuffle people around in C-wing to put him in by himself. The Lt comes down and wants pictures. One bruise was several days old and the other was both old and new. Like a new bruise over an old one. And from the angle they were presented, it looked alot like he had been hitting himself.

So after a few phone calls they decide he's been hurting himself and we move somebody out of a camera cell and out him in there on suicide watch. And the dude is pissed. Apparently getting stripped out and put in a cell with nothing but a kevlar smock was not how he thought this night was going to go. So he spends a couple hours screaming and kicking his door and demanding to see "The Boss."

I told him I didn't think Springsteen was even touring this year. Maybe next year. That answer didn't satisfy him at all.

Then while The Fed was doing laundry movement in A-wing some idiot hands him a note saying he felt suicidal. We get that fool pulled out and five minutes later another one from the same wing does the same thing. But by now C-wing is full and we have to move two people out to move these idiots in.

And you know why they went on suicide watch? Because they could see the fireworks from C-wing but not from A-wing where they were. And only one guy ended up being able to see them because the other guy was around the corner pointed the other way. He was pissed. And doubly pissed because all he got was a kevlar smock and we wouldn't turn his light off so he could sleep. That don't happen. When you are on watch, the light stays on 24/7.

I'm back to the computer and the boards and the files, trying to keep up with all of the room moves. And you have to do them in a certain order or the computer will kick them out as invalid because you can't have two people slotted in the same bed at the same time. More writing and erasing and writing and erasing....

Just when we thought it was all over, The Fed and I went to do the 10:00 pm count and this idiot in A-wing that we had just put in there less than three hours ago said he was suicidal.

So we had to lock him to a restraint bench and finish our count then start the whole process over again. Find somebody to move and find somewhere to move him and then do more paperwork and more computer work and move them around the boards again...

I was so happy to see my relief when he got there that if he hadn't been as ugly as ten piles of mud bricks I would have kissed him. But he was, so I didn't. I just left.

I am one tired puppy. I haven't had to work that hard since I left the Hive and I found that I don't thrive on stress like I used to. It just makes me tired and cranky.

And I didn't get to see any fireworks. Pfui.

So tomorrow (hopefully a better day) is going to be Workaholics Day. Oh..... snap. I am so not looking forward to that. It's also the day I go see the orthopedic surgeon to find out if they are going to cut on my arm or not. But at least it will also be Bikini Day. Of course without a decent beach for five hundred miles in any direction I probably won't get much joy out of that one.

I Came, I Sat, I Sweltered

I was almost wondering if I would get to work today or not. Some days nobody calls in and they have more than enough people. I half expected Lt Strong to say "Well, we really don't need you after all. Go ahead and take today off." I would have been happy and sad.

But he was glad to see me and asked me to go down and work 30 house for the evening. I figured, for working a day off, that's not a bad place most of the time.

And for the most part, it wasn't bad. Do an occasional security check, take care of a small problem here and there.... count. That's usually the most you have to do.

Everything was fine until about 8 o'clock when the a/c unit pooped out. I'd been sitting in my wing office reading an old Field N' Stream magazine and after a while I noticed it was getting warmer and warmer and warmer..... Then I started sweating. I thought maybe it was because I had just eaten or something. But it just kept getting hotter until I couldn't stand it any more and went outside.

Suddenly it was a lot cooler outside than it was inside. Aw.... crabapples.

So we all sweated our butts off for the rest of the night. The only office with a window was the bubble so he got a little relief. The rest of us just kept rotating outside.

But, we all survived and that got me off of the overtime list for another month or so. Hopefully.

Now I'm going to slip into my "It's too hot to mow the lawn" weekend coma for one day.

Sunday is going to be Repeat Day. What? Again!? It will also be Compliment Your Mirror Day and Stay Out Of The Sun Day. I don't know about that ugly mirror but I'm all for staying out of the sun. It's hot!!!

Monday will be Old Maid's Day, Independence Day (of course), Independence From Meat Day (what? are you insane?) and Indivisible Day. Enjoy!

There Was No Wicked Witch...

But there was a FlyinMonkey. The same one who writes "They Won't Get Us". If you haven't been there to read his stories, please do. You won't regret it. Even though I was the bubble officer I had a good time with him and the WoodMan and Sgt Duck.

I'd been wanting to talk to FlyinMonkey all day anyway, after he wrote such an cool story about me being a veteran newscaster right before the zombie plague hit. That was so awesome. And I think I'm the only character besides the Monkey himself who has managed to stay alive for three consecutive stories.

And now every time I go out for a smoke I have this vision of me flicking my cigarette butt into the open mouth of a dead zombie as I walk away..... And it gives me the giggles.

I don't much care for being a bubble officer, as you can probably tell. Pretty much all you do is open doors for inmates. At least in a regular housing unit. And, if you haven't already figured it out, I'm not really all that "service oriented" when it comes to inmates. Personally, I would be more than happy if they were locked down 24 hours a day.

And I cussed alot. I said more than "snap" a few times. I don't get alot of practice running a bubble anymore, especially in such a busy place like a general population house. Except for count time and after 9:45 pm, the movement is pretty much constant.... in and out.

At one point, before I managed to get up to speed, there were several of them all yelling from different wings to get their doors open all at the same time. I got a bit frustrated and hit the intercom button in all four wings and said "Keep your fracking panties on! I'll get there!" There was a moment of silence then some anonymous fool in one of the wings said "Watch your mouth."

Oooo... snap.

I back away from the control panel and just stopped. Turned and got a drink of water. Cracked my neck a few times and took a few deep breaths. Sgt Duck was looking at me like he was going to give me a break and I just held up a hand and said "I got this."

Then I went back to the panel and started opening doors again at about half the speed I was doing before, just taking my time. I'm afraid it took a little longer than usual to get them all back in their cells but nobody had anything smart to say after that. It was an acceptable mutual cease fire. I kept my remarks to myself and so did they. We got along much better after that.

In between times we got to talk zombie stories and ideas for other tales that FlyinMonkey wants to write. He's got such an awesome imagination. Everybody is bugging him to get a part in one of his stories. Me, I'm happy with my fifteen minutes of fame.

They didn't get me!!! Yeah!

Supposedly I am working tomorrow on my day off. I'm getting close to the top of the mandatory overtime list and I would much rather work a day off than a double. Those doubles just kill me. I talked to Lt Strong yesterday and he said "Yeah, we can use you! Come in and work!" Hopefully he can justify it. I don't want him to get in trouble. But I don't want to work a double, either.

So I might have something to write about on a Saturday for a change. I guess we'll see.

Saturday will be Visitation Of The Virgin Mary Day. Oh Joy. I've been looking forward to that all year. It's also International Cherry Pit Spitting Day, I Forgot Day and International Day of Cooperatives. Whatever the heck that means. Think I'll just go spit some cherry pits and call it good. Unless I forget, anyway.

Lost And Found

I don't know if they picked me or if it was just a random thing. I'll probably never know.

But when I did my Del Norte walk this evening, I found something in between the fences that should not be there.

I'd gotten a hint earlier that there might be something planted there. I should have been paying more attention maybe. But there were... things going on when I was being told. I just filed it away as a hint and paid attention to other things. So when it was time for my walk I had a vague hint that I should be extra vigilant.

Unless I'm sick or it's covered with ice or something dangerous (like running full blast to avoid the lightning) I usually do pay pretty good attention to my surroundings when I'm doing the walk. I don't want to miss a hole in the fence or a pull in the wire that might suggest someone has intentions of escaping or has escaped. I don't want to miss anything that someone may have tried to toss in or out of the fence.

After all, that is the whole reason for doing the walk. To make sure that our outer perimeter hasn't been breached or compromised. I know that and treat it pretty seriously.

There's a fair amount of trash that has blown into the fences and the razor wire and i know where most of it is. If somebody said "Where is the big potato chip bag in the fence?" I could say "Zone seven." And if they wanted to know where the yellow dollar store bag was I could tell them that it was in zone eleven. Most of this stuff is pretty deep in the razor wire and would be difficult to get out without getting tangled up in the wire so it gets left there until it disintegrates.

So when I got around the corner from zone 10 and into 11 and saw something bright white by the cinderblocks that cross the creek I knew right away there was something new out there. And the hint I had gotten earlier filtered back into my brain.

It was a pair of state issued boxers. Immediately a bazillion questions ran through my mind. Was this a set up? Evidence of an escape or an attempt? Just an accident of the wind? I stood there for a couple of seconds then got on the radio and reported it. They told me to "Stand By."

While I was waiting I nudged them with my foot and noticed there was a piece of paper folded up inside of them. Bending down to retrieve it I read:

"When you find this, return it to the shift commander after your Del Norte walk. Thank you."

So I got back on the radio and reported that. They told me to bring both items with me when I came back through.

I'll just have to say that I wasn't too thrilled about having to tote a pair of inmate underwear halfway around the friggin' camp.

The first thing out of my mouth when I walked into Captain Fluffy's office was "You could have used a t-shirt, fer gawds sake!"

He just laughed and said "You can blame that on your Lieutenants. The boxers were their thing. Good job, though! Thanks!"

So the whole thing was a test to make sure we were paying attention out there. And I'm glad that I passed the test.

But boxers? Really?

Tomorrow, being July 1st, will be Creative Ice Cream Flavor Day and Build A Scarecrow Day. Hmm.. maybe we could build an ice cream scarecrow! It will also be many other things such as Canada Day, Chicken Wing Day, Second Half of the Year Day, Postage Stamp Day, Zip Code Day and the beginning of Roswell UFO Days.

Whoop!