Follow The Bouncing Ball

It was my turn to be the bouncing ball tonight. It happens.

I had been scheduled to be on B-yard. So I dressed for the yard. When i get in the Lt says "Go do the mail run, then go to B-yard."

Okey-dokey. I can do that.

For some reason today every time i tried to go through a door today there were two people in the doorway blocking me. And it was always someone who outranked me so I couldn't just knock them down to get through.

Well, I could have...... but, you know.

So I get the mail run done and go back up to get yard keys. I stop by central to pick up my lunch box and the Lt tells me "Go to main production. The Singing Cowboy is sick and has to go home."

Okey-dokey. I go over to main production and he's not there. There are two other officers already there. What the snap?

Just about the time I'm thinking the Lt has made a mistake, he calls me on the radio and says "Go to A-dining. That's where he's at."

Aw... snap. Okay. So I trot over to dining and sure enough, there he is. Trade keys with him and off he goes.

This is my third time in A-dining in seven years. I hope the inmates know what they're doing, because I don't have a clue. Sure enough, between them and the cooks, they kept me from screwing anything up.

Get done there and call the Lt and ask where next. He says "Back to B-yard."

Back up front to get my yard keys once more.

All night long I kept waiting for the call to send me somewhere else, but it never came.

There's a handmade sign up in the yard shack. It says "Driver wanted. B-yard. Sunday thru Thursday." Funny stuff.

On the way out I ask the Lt what my position number is. He gives me a funny look and says "Are you applying for that driver position?"

Yeah, funny stuff.

I'm going to drop a slip on it tomorrow when I get a few minutes.

Wish me luck.

At least tomorrow and Thursday I know where I'll be ahead of time.

Well, cool! Tomorrow is National Brownie Day! A holiday you can really sink your teeth into...

I'm Not Easy To Please Sometimes

Since I was out sick Friday, I remembered to call last night and ask where I was supposed to be today. Lt. Pinocchio said I was on B-yard.

So I dressed up for the yard.

A few minutes after I had gotten here he had me sounding like that goat on the Aflac commercial.

"I put you up in the control center."

"E-e-e-eh!"

"Or you can swap with TireGuy down in 30 house."

"Na-a-a-h!"

"Or you can swap with Sausage and work the library."

"Na-a-a-h!" I thought about the options for a few minutes and recalled the weather report.

"I'll work the control center."

It wasn't so bad this time. I wasn't quite as nervous as I was the first time and I actually managed to work the back panel the entire night without hitting the clean screen button once and locking myself out. I was so proud.

Spent the night up there with Sgt Puddle and Miz Twang. We had a pretty good time. I suspect that I should learn that nefarious count sheet, just in case the world decides to come to an end and they put me up there on the desk.

Oooooh, that just wouldn't be pretty.

Goosey's bid is up already. I'm going to drop a bid on it. By the time they come down I will still be twenty days shy of actually being eligible to bid. I'm hoping nobody notices that. And it stands that since it's the middle of winter maybe nobody else will want it.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Tomorrow is of course Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day and Cotton Candy Day as well. Let us raise a sticky hand in salute to all of our veterans.

Finally! A Genius!!!

I have met so many stupid sta-hoo-pid criminals in my line of work that I was beginning to despair of the lot of them.

I was beginning to lose some of my sense of magic about the whole evil genius mastermind thing.

Then I ran across this story completely by accident today and I just had to post about it. It restored some of my faith in criminals.

Outside the zoo in Bristol, England is a parking lot that will hold about 150 cars and 8 buses.

For the last 25 years the parking lot fees have been taken and managed by a rather nondescript man who everyone recalls as being "very pleasant."

He was charging 1.40 pounds for each car and 7.00 pounds per bus for parking.

Then one day after 25 years of coming to work and never missing a day, the little man doesn't show up for work.

Nobody has a name or a phone number to call to ask about him so the zoo administration calls the city council and asks for another parking attendant.

The city council says the zoo parking lot is the zoos problem and they should provide their own attendant.

The zoo claims the parking lot attendant was a city employee.

The city does some research and claims that the attendant has never been on their payroll.

It turns out that this guy just showed up with a ticket machine one day about 25 years ago and started charging parking fees, raking in about 560 pounds a day for the last 25 years. The equivalent of about 7 million pounds over the span of time.

And apparently when he either decided he had enough money or that he'd been doing it long enough, he decided to retire.

And nobody even has a clue what his name is.

Freaking brilliant!

So granted, he's no Dr. Moriarty, but he devised and executed a plan which allowed him to live in comfort and rake in extra dough for very little work and got away with it clean.

And did anybody get hurt? No.

And did he really steal anything from anybody? Not really.

Of course, they would call that "theft by deception" and make it a felony here.

But in my books, I'll have to tip my hat to him, wherever he may be.

Today was National Sacher Torte Day. I had to look that one up. It's apparently some sort of chocolate pie/cheesecake thing from Vienna invented back in 1832.

Tomorrow is National Gazpacho Day and Mitten Tree Day. I'll let you look those up for yourselves.

Taking Another Sick Day

I know I just took off a sick day not too long ago. But I can't help it.

Woke up this morning running a fever of 102.4. Luckily now it's down to 99.8.

Felt pretty yucky all day long.

I know they are going to say I called out just because I was scheduled to work down in the Hive today.

I didn't really want to go down there but I would rather have worked there than felt like this.

So anyway, I'm going back to bed, I believe.

Tomorrow is Wear Brown Shoes Day. Don't forget.

Planning An Escape

Well! It finally happened. Not an actual escape, but somebody seriously planning one.

I was startled.

It seems they found a note on an offender down in the wobblehead house with details of his escape plan and the fact that he might be in cahoots with one or two other offenders in a different housing unit.

When they searched his cell they found a rope made out of torn and twisted bed sheets blackened with shoe polish. A pair of Levi's jeans and a note with a phone number on it stating "Call this number when you get out." There were two quarters taped to the note.

Obviously, off to the Hive he went. And they managed to identify at least one of the others implicated and locked him up, too.

So I got to be doubly surprised. One that someone was attempting to escape for the first time in seven years that I have been here and two that we actually caught them beforehand.

So with all that in mind it was an interesting but somewhat uneventful night.

Unless you count the walk that I sent Sgt Uncle T on.

I'd been ailing all day. Think I'm coming down with the flu again. Nasty headaches, chills and sweats. Sore throat. The whole nine yards. Uncle T was letting me stay in the shack in the warm as much as possible.

While we were sitting there I asked "Those gates between the houses. Do we have keys for them? Out into no-mans land?"

He nodded and said "Yeah. I think so. Why?"

I just shrugged and said "No particular reason, really. But I was just thinking. If I was planning an escape, I'd do it right about now. And I'd be right out there, where it's darkest."

He jumped up and looked at where I was pointing and said "I hate you." And started walking that way, all the while saying "I freaking hate you." over his shoulder.

So I stayed in the shack and he walked all the way down to 6 house and through the gate and out behind it, calling the p-car on the radio to tell them he was there so he wouldn't get shot at. And he walked all the way behind 6 and around to 7 and back, then moseyed back up to the shack.

Since I'd made him work so hard, I stirred up a cup of coffee with two sugars just for him and gave it to him when he got back.

He was crabby with me most of the night after that. Well, that and other things.

We found out today that Goosey has bid off the yard and is going to be working in B-dining. Something about having the same days off as his squeeze.

And here I am about a month shy of being able to bid on another job. So somebody else might end up with that spot. And full time spots on the yard are difficult to come by.

I'm going to bid on it even if they tell me no. What else can I do? Maybe, because it's the middle of winter nobody will really want it and I'll get it by default. Who knows? Depends on if I'm on the Majors crap list that week or not.

I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Tomorrow is National Roof Over Your Head Day. That's always a good thing to have. A sound respectable holiday a man could get his whole family involved in. I like that! I'm Darev2005 and I approve this holiday.

Freaking Pneumonia Weather!

We have steam heat in the prison. And no controls over it.

It's either on or off. No happy medium.

Freeze to death when it's off, and sweat when it's on.

There is no ventilation up in the comm room. It's upstairs with no windows or cross wind or anything. So all the heat rises right to the top.

And our new warden, in his infinite wisdom, has had all of our fans removed.

When an inmate gets out of prison and leaves property behind, like fans and radios that they don't want to take with them, historically, they have gone to the housing units or whoever needs them. Otherwise they would have just sat in a storage building until they rusted away and then on to the dump.

But we could use them and so we did.

Our new warden didn't much care for this practice and had all of the fans and radios removed.

We had one big state issue fan that blew way too hard and was real noisy that we scrounged up to keep some air going in there but they came and took it to try to cool down the telephone exchange room which has been overheating for years.

There are no people in that room, only equipment.

I guess that equipment is worth more to the state than any of us are.

So I get to stay in a 90 degree room one night a week and sweat my butt off then go freeze for two hours out in the p-car.

And if I get sick, they will think I'm slacking just to get an extra day off.

What a wonderful place.

So tomorrow is National Fritters Day! Yee-haw! Hey Maw! Warm up the fryin' kettle!

Taking Care Of Things

Had to go to Wally World after work tonight and pick me up a new pair of boots. While I was on A-yard out in the rain last night I discovered that my right boot had a wee hole in it and water was seeping in.

Not a good thing to have this time of year. Plus the soles were just wearing out and when i did the Del Norte walk (as I did tonight and probably will again on thursday) I could feel every single rock I stepped on.

And there are some pretty good sized rocks out there between the fences, let me tell you.

I know I should have rousted my lazy butt out and gotten them this morning, but I'm a real bear in the mornings. Just ask my wife. Or any of those poor suckers who had to work with me on day shift. I am not a morning person by any stretch of the imagination.

So I went tonight. And luck was with me, as I did find a pair more or less my size in the first store. Last time I went to find my boots I ended up driving about forty miles up the road and tried about ten stores before I found a pair in my size.

I should have an easy night on my feet tomorrow, as it's my day in the com room and p-car so i won't have to walk very much. I can get the new boots broken in before my next night out on the yard.

So aside from taking Goosey's turn at the long walk tonight, we did pretty much nothing. Which was amazingly cool because it was bitter cold outside. I don't know what the mean temperature was, but there was a stiff wind that had some serious teeth to it.

At one point St Francis and I and Sgt Uncle T were all sitting in the shack giving each other a hard time about this and that. And Sgt Uncle T exploded and said "By Gawd, you guys are going to show me some respect!"

So I got out my notebook and a sharpie and I did.

He deserved more than that, but it was the best I could come up with at the time.

And he did ask for it, after all.

Today was Biggest B's last day with the department. They had a little ceremony with cake and gave him a plaque. You'd think after more than 25 years working your tail off for this place you'd get more than that.

We will miss the heck out of him around here.

Tomorrow is both National Pie Day and Eat A Red Apple Day. I figure if you eat an apple pie you'll be covered on both bases. Why not?