Gave Myself The Willies

I couldn't believe it affected me like that. Things in the Hive don't get to me very often.

When an offender comes to the Hive, he gets a stripped down set of his property. He is allowed sheets, blanket, pillow, towel, basic cosmetics (soap, toothbrush & toothpaste), three changes of clothes, stamps and paper, etc. Just the basic stuff he needs (or the state says he needs) to survive. It's not much.

So this guys property comes in and I get out the list and I'm going through it checking for contraband and making sure he gets what he is supposed to have. No big deal. I do that several times a day on average.

And I move his sheets and I see this little pink plastic box. I open it up and there, smiling up at me, are both sets of the guys teeth.

All of the sudden I get a case of the willies all over. I snap the box shut and toss it back down in the bundle and think to myself: "What the snap was that all about?" It's not like I haven't seen dentures before.

I mean really. What the snap?

I've stood and talked calmly to a guy covered in his own poop. Repeatedly. I searched a cell spattered with blood looking for a weapon. I've cut cords for around guys necks who were trying to strangle themselves.

Why in the heck would a pair of naked teeth get to me like that? I dunno. It was weird.

I've seen some strange and weird snit down here and just waded on like it was nothing.

Maybe it just caught me off guard or something.

Monday Blahs

It seems like just yesterday it was my monday and here the sumbitch is again!

It's always the hardest day of the week. Sometimes I feel like I need to be retrained just to come back to work after my weekend. I spend the whole day chasing after myself trying to get re-acclimated to the house. There's new offenders and there is always some little rule that they have changed while I was gone.

But many things are just the way I left them. The Singer is still in C-1, singing his heart out and laughing like the Riddler from Batman. The Flamer is still in B-13 all by his lonesome and the pile of kites we have intercepted from other offenders trying to move in with him grows by the day.

Sgt Miz p is back from vacation and Chuck is back from his two week hiatus after both a death in the family and his annual recert training.

I got my crew back. This is a good thing.

Even if it is a monday.

I survived it. Nobody got hurt and nobody escaped.

Now that it's over, I can say it was a good day.

I Suspect That I'm Spolied

Now that the cold nights and mornings are upon us, I have been having trouble getting warm in the mornings. I dress in sweats and my slippers and sit back here in my cold little corner and shiver and drink my coffee.

My office is in a converted two car garage that wasn't very well insulated to begin with.

So to combat this, I have been soaking in a hot bath for an hour before I get dressed to go to work. Gets me nice and perking warm.

This morning was no exception. There I was, in a hot bubble bath, reading my book, smoking a cigarette and drinking coffee with a trickle of sweat on my brow. Paradise. Mostly paradise, anyway.

I hear the door to the bedroom open and my wife comes into the bathroom and sets a saucer with three fresh out of the oven home made chocolate chip cookies on the side of the tub.

Now it's paradise. My wife makes the best chocolate chip cookies in the world. And when they are fresh out of the oven, still warm and sticky they are pure ambrosia.

I think I'm a little spoiled now and then.

Be a dear and peel me a grape, would you?

Not Guilty!

Not this time, anyway. I definitely didn't do it.

One of the things that we take very very seriously in the prison is count. And when the count gets screwed up, somebody is taking one in the shorts for it. If it's an offender screwing around and messing up count, he gets locked up for it. If it's an officer, he gets chewed out for it.

If our count is screwed up for too long, we are supposed to notify the local sheriffs department that we may have a problem. That is how serious we take it.

Normally, our 4:30 count takes twenty minutes. Twenty five if things are hectic. After almost forty minutes when they called and said send all of the workers back to their houses, I knew we had a problem somewhere and I fervently hoped someone was not missing for real. I didn't want to be there all night long.

It wasn't me and no, nobody was really missing.

It seems that around two this afternoon they told some guy over in a house on B-side that he was moving to A-side. To which he replied "F*ck if I am! I aint going!" And they locked him up.

But apparently they never told whoever was doing the room moves in the computer that he was getting locked up and they moved him anyway.

So in the little virtual world of the computer, we suddenly had one more inmate than we actually did.

And let me tell you what, that sort of thing will give someone who works in a prison some serious ulcers.

I was on the phone with Vinnie up in the Control center when he figured it out. The conversation went something like this:
Vinnie: "You got an offender Cheesehead this afternoon? Which house did he come out of?"
Me: "My paperwork says he came out of seven house."
Vinnie: "Oh yeah? Look in the computer and see what it says."
Me: "Ok, it says..... Oh snap. Four house. Wait.... and seven house..... Oh snap."
Vinnie: "Yeah. That is a problem, don't ya think?"

And of course captain Crane was shift commander. He wanted copies of everything we had that said where this knucklehead came from and he wanted it right now. Sgt LB sent Big Mess up with an armload of paperwork to get copied.

I am so glad I didn't do it.

I Need A Cleanup On Aisle Three!

I write myself notes almost every night at work in my notebook and almost every night I drop them on my desk when I come home.

Tonight wasn't very exciting so I tried to find one of my notes and I couldn't locate anything. I really think I need to clean off my desk a little.

I tried weeding through a few things and ended up accidentally throwing my watch in the trash can. And of course it couldn't stay on top, it had to slide all the way down to the bottom of the can so I had to dig in there after it.

Among other things, I need to empty my trash can more, I guess.

I've found notes from my wife from things that happened six months ago. But I can't find the ones I wrote yesterday. Pfui.

So this is going to be a little short and not very interesting, I'm afraid. I'm really tired and not tracking well. I think I'll go to bed before I end up dropping myself in the trash by mistake.

Good night.

Tag!

I got to be "it" today. That's always so special. The one guy who knew how to do everything.

They sent us the General as a Sergeant. It was me and BG and Ms. Maybe and the Cowboy and Sausage and an OJT. Luckily the Cowboy is shaping up to be decent. He's still kind of a squirrel, but he's learning and does pretty good.

And Sausage is just Sausage.... you know how he is. He's been everywhere and done everything on camp and he's competent, if somewhat annoying. A good guy to have at your back if the snit hits the fan. And he helped keep track of the paperwork. That was a blessing.

I spent all of my time running back and forth and making sure things were running right and keeping up with the numbers the best I could. I'm relatively certain they were all correct by the time I left.

I get a little pushy sometimes. I like things to run smoothly and with as little b.s. as possible. I can't help it that I have been down there so long I am set in my ways. There are ways and times that things should be done in the Hive. And when they don't get done right or on time things get screwed up.

So I get pushy.

Sarge doesn't know the house like I do and he pretty much set back and let me run the show. He didn't mind. Now, if I tried that over in his house on B-side, it would be another matter. That's his house. This is mine. At least for eight hours a day.

I think I earned my pittance from the state today. I can feel it in my head and my poor feet.

I really really want my regular crew back! Sgt. Miz P is out on vacation. Chuck has been out for a week because a family member died and he is in training next week. And we are still short one assigned officer and they won't put the job up for bid.

Snap!

Much more of that and I am going to need another vacation.

And The Award Goes To...

...Our probation and parole officers. Or at least whoever came up with the idea.

Last night someone said that there seemed to be some sort of party or something going on at the P&P offices back behind the prison. There were an awful lot of cars there. Since it was Halloween, they thought it might be a party.

Instead, it was someone who had a really good idea.

They made all of the registered sex offenders who live in this area report to their offices at 3pm and stay there until midnight.

That is just freaking awesome. We don't know who all of the creeps are, but at least they kept the ones we know about off the streets while our kids were out trick or treating.

Whoever came up with that plan, I'd like to shake their hand.

So my hat is off to out Probation and Parole officers!

You are heroes in my eyes.