He Should Have Brought His Little Red Wagon!

This is from my pal Dave Moreland at "Bozo Criminal Of The Day."

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mashpee, Massachusetts, where bozo William Cox stole a number of items from local residences and cars, including coins, jewelry, and iPods, placing the stolen items into his backpack. Like the kid in the candy store, he just didn’t know when to stop and soon his backpack was so overloaded that he could barely carry it. The heavy backpack no doubt slowed him down enough that a police dog was able to track him down, leading to his arrest. It was after his arrest that the “weight” of his crimes began to take its toll. He was admitted to the hospital complaining of back pain from carrying the heavy backpack.

Sorry, kids. I've been so caught up in other things that I haven't had time or energy to write.

The chainmail project is still ongoing....
I'll post pictures.

Our home is going to be more crowded soon.
Maybe not a bad thing. (smile)

Trying to find someone to replace our roof. (Oof)
That's six thousand bucks I don't have.

And life goes on......

Just A Quick Note

Our favorite scary story writer TJ has a new story up!

I don't know where he is, probably deep in some top secret underground base deep in the mountains somewhere, waiting as part of the Government shock troops held in reserve for when the T-virus finally breaks. Who knows?

But the good part is, he has internet access and has written another shocker.

And I have to tell you it gave me goose bumps. Woof!

Go check it out at "They Won't Get Us" now!

I Don't Know About This

A certain friend of mine, who will remain nameless, recently talked me into trying to make chain mail. He thought and I agreed that if we could make some up, it would sell for a good price at the next geek convention we went to.

And yeah. If we could make a few sets of some chain mail armor it would sell for a pretty penny. The full shirts go for around $350.00 each. All of the overhead cost is about $50.00 worth of steel wire.

So I spent about a week and a half experimenting on my own. Making rings and taking them apart again and starting over and getting pissed off. Getting my hands all nasty from the oil on the wire and rubbing some curious callouses into my fingers.

Finally I sought professional help.

"It's about time!" you say? No, not that kind of help.

I found a website that showed how to arrange the rings so they lay down properly. With diagrams and everything. Printed them suckers out.

And then I sat down this evening in front of my computer, put on my headphones and went back to watching "Adam-12" and "Emergency" on Netflix and started knitting steel rings together.

If you will refer back to the picture above, you will see four strands of chain mail about eight inches long. Not eight feet long. Eight inches.

That thirty two combined inches of chain mail represent three and a half hours work.

Of course that also includes all of the time I spent winding the wire around the mandrel and cutting the links before I started knitting them together. But still.

That three and a half hours represents about six square inches of chain mail and I need about 2400 square inches.

So if my math is correct (and it probably isn't) and I work around the clock I will have an entire shirt made in about..... 150 more days.

Honey! Is there any coffee made?

I Did A Countdown

Starting at 10:30 this evening I am officially on vacation for the next two weeks.

I even stopped and counted off the last five seconds before I walked out the door. That felt good.

And I used the fact that I was going on vacation to keep a couple of the offenders in line. Twice I had to go out and have words with some of them who were acting up.

I'd glance at my watch and say "In a couple of hours I am going on vacation. If I have to stay late and do paperwork over locking you knuckleheads up, I am going to be really really really pissed off. Is that what you want?"

And both times they looked down at the ground and said "No Sir. Sorry, Sir."

Hey, whatever works, right?

Since the wife couldn't get the same time off and we don't have any money anyway, I'm just staying right here for a stay at home vacation.

The only reason I am taking one at all is because I have too much time on the books and if I don't use some of it by October, the state will take it away from me. And I'm not about to let that happen. Not willingly, anyway.

Besides, I think I could really use the break. My shop is half covered with unfinished projects and there are a few on the floor of my office as well. Time to get some of those things done.

I will endeavor to post something here every day. Maybe an old war story or a bad joke of just something silly I found on the internet.

Aaaaahhhhh........ I feel better already.

Naysayers

There's alot of people here in the prison that have an automatic response to anything new.

"You can't do that!"

I especially love it when the inmates tell me that. Then I go right ahead and show them I sure as frack can do that and if they aint careful, I'll do it again!

What really surprises me is the staff. Some of them are so ingrained in the way things have always been done that they will automatically try and shoot down any new idea just because it's not the way things have always been done.

I've had numerous conversations like this:
"You can't do that!"

"Sure I can. It's easy! Even you can do it!"

"But you can't do that!"

"Why not? It's easy and it works!"

"Well... It's against policy!"

"Which one? Show me."

"I don't know which one. It just is. So stop doing that!"

"Why? It works!"

"Because I'm the Captain and I said so!"

I get alot of that "because I said so" stuff.

I was fully expecting my new rule about having the inmates stand in the middle of the hallway at med pass to get shot down. But the Boss there is a pretty good guy. He started out as a COI on the line like I did and I've worked with him off an on for years.

I'd sent him an email that night and he replied "Sounds good to me!"

If it would have been any other house or any other Boss the reply I would have gotten would have started with "You can't...."

And I'd just have rolled my eyes and gone on.

Small Victories

Every once in awhile we get to "get back" at bad inmate behavior in a way that makes me smile.

And using their peers irritation against them is one of the best ways to do it.

Over in 10 house, which is "treatment", the offenders are living under a different set of rules than the regular General Population offenders. Their rules are stricter and quite a bit more regimented. Many of the offenders we have there have never actually been inside a real prison before and the treatment is designed to be a bit harsh in hopes that it will keep at least a few of them from coming back.

I don't know if it works or not. I haven't seen any of the numbers.

But since they are treatment we have a little more leeway in creating new rules for behavior. We can get away with things there that would never fly out on the hill. Like making them keep their shirts tucked in at all times and making them walk in single file everywhere.

And we are allowed within reason to make new rules or modify existing ones to fit changing situations.

Tonight Meatball came and got me and said that someone had been putting graffiti on one of the walls. When I went to look he showed me that someone standing in line for the nurse had scratched the "SS" lightning bolts into the place where the drywall had been repaired.

That pissed me off enough. I despise that nazi crap. But what made it even worse was a few feet down the wall I noticed that someone had written with a pen on the wall.

It said: "F**k the police in their necks."

I'd like to take a turn with the neck of whoever wrote that, personally. We'd see who would end up f**king who.

Anyway.

So I said "Fine. From now on they are not allowed to lean against the wall during med pass. They will all stand in a single file line in the center of the hallway. And if they don't like it, they can come clean that crap off of my wall and find who did it."

Then I printed up some notices forbidding them from leaning on the wall and taped them up.

Later on I was coming down stairs and I overheard a couple of offenders in the hallway talking about the signs.

"What's this about?"
"Someone wrote on the wall and I heard Sarge is pissed!"
"Man! Why do they have to screw things up for everybody? I'd like to find that dude and beat his a**!"

Not ten minutes after the announcement went out (Meatball happily went and spread the word to all the wings) we started getting tips on who the mystery artist might have been. Not like we could do anything unless he came up and confessed. But if he's found out even just among the offenders, they will make sure they let him realize their displeasure.

Hopefully the Boss leaves the signs up for a week or so at least. Keep them just a little less comfortable in their surroundings. Maybe it will teach one little snaphead not to write on my walls anymore.

We'll see.

It Was A "Distraction Technique".... Yeah....

I know I haven't written anything this week. I've been in recert, or re-certification training and all I have had to say so far was "I sat in an overly warm classroom and spent the entire day trying to stay awake."

Nothing against the trainers or the material. They were good for the most part and the material was good, for the most part. Even though I have heard the same thing every year for nine years now.

It's just getting up so per-snarking early in the morning and then sitting in a warm classroom that's been killing me. I have been on evening shift for nine years and getting up early is against my nature.

If they would do the classes from 3:30 in the afternoon until 11:30 at night I would be there wide eyed and bushy tailed.

But not at 7 freaking 30 in the morning. Nossir.

Today was Defensive Tactics.

That's the class where we practice beating each other up. We get to use different holds and throws and escape maneuvers to simulate either getting away from an unruly inmate or subdue one, depending on the circumstance.

It's usually fun, but it does tend to be a bit painful at times. Especially on us older folk.

In this class they teach us to use "distraction techniques", which are punches and blows and kicks and jabs designed to move an attacker's focus away from hurting you to defending himself. Grabbing the ribs, poking the eyes, raking the shins with the side of your boot, stomping on their feet. All that stuff is useful.

We simulate those in the classroom setting, of course.

Anyway, I had Big Muppet as my partner and we were practicing defense against a kick. I was being the aggressor and as I raised my foot to kick the whole classroom heard this loud "Rip!"

At first I thought it might be my hip and I braced myself to be in some serious pain. Then I felt this cool unaccustomed breeze across my nether regions and knew that sound came from a different but closely related source.

There were a few screeches and alot of giggling, as you can well imagine.

Luckily for me, Watcher was one of the instructors and as I pulled my t-shirt down to preserve the shreds of my modesty, he led me back into the E-Squad room and let me borrow an extra pair of BDU's.

It took me years and a bit of embarrassment, but I finally managed to get into Watcher's pants. (grin) It was worth it.

It's a good thing I'm going on vacation in a couple of weeks. That will hopefully give time for the jokes to die down. I am sure that even now there is an account of that circulating throughout the camp. **sigh** Ah, well.

And I am sure there will be an irate memo from the Major sent around instructing everyone that they must from this day forward wear underwear to recert classes. I'll be wearing some tomorrow, believe me.

If nothing else, I can always serve as the guy they can point to and say "Don't do what he does!"

Going To Be Early

I had planned on staying up late tonight and watching NASA's latest Mars probe "Curiosity" attempt to land successfully on Mars.

Unfortunately, the Lt called me about 4:45 this evening and told me I had to go to recert training this week. That means I have to be up and dressed and at the training building by 8:00 am.

That just sucks great big horse nurbles.

I hate getting up early.

So while I'm slaving away in a hot stuffy classroom, you fine folk will be out enjoying Wiggle Your Toes Day, National Fresh Breath Day and National Root Beer Float Day.

grumble grumble grumble...

Stormy

We're having intermittent storms and even more intermittent internet service.

Hopefully I can post something before I get dumped again.

Have a happy National Mustard Day!

It's Called "Pepper Spray" For A Reason!

You know, except for the thing with the hundreds of sharpened tomato stakes, I was pretty much all for the offenders doing this garden thing. They are apparently doing it all over the state and they have already donated over a thousand pounds of fresh produce to food pantries.

Anything that will have these idiots do something positive is all right in my book.

But there was one item that they planted back in the beginning of this growing season that I had questions about.

Pepper plants.

I thought to myself "How long will it be before one of these knuckleheads gets the idea to squeeze a few dozen of those into a cup or a shampoo bottle and make his own pepper spray?

Sure, it might not be as hot as the stuff we carry but I'd still hate to get a face full of that. I'm sure it would sting like crazy.

So I asked around about the wisdom of them growing their own peppers.

I was told "It's okay. Don't worry. We have this under control."

I bided my time and waited, hoping things would turn out for the best. Them being so much wiser than I.

Note the sarcastic rolling of the eyes there.

Then suddenly just last week, right before the plants were ready to harvest someone said "Holy snap! The inmates are growing their own peppers! We can't have that! What if they turn them into their own pepper spray? Oh my Gawd!!!"

And just like that all of the plants were pulled up and taken away.

Makes me wonder how many bowls of fresh chili were made over the weekend.

He wondered, in a very sarcastic tone of voice.

It's just too much to comprehend sometimes.

Saturday is going to be Twins Day Festival, National Superhero Day and National Lasagna Day.

I'll have mine with no peppers, please.

Busy Day

Busy dang night. Crazy. I suspect it must be the heat.

Last time I was on the yard I got to ride around in the cart and let my officers handle all of the work, which was just routine stuff.

Tonight I got to ride around on the cart but I spent all of the time running from one place to another. And I was lucky if I had one officer on the yard because the rest of them were busy too.

Between us and B-side I believe we locked up eight or nine offenders tonight for various things. One for administrative protective custody. One for refusing to work. One for interfering with count. Two for "cheeking" their medications, probably with intent to sell them on the yard. Two for a fight that they both denied having. And I think two more for something else.

I didn't get all of the information, as I was busy doing other things. I got to read five conduct violations. Three in medical, one in three house (Meatball on the loose) and one down in the Hive for Sgt Miz P.

The only good thing about it was I had good help on the yard to keep me straight and posted about what was going on. That and they gave us a new golf cart that runs like a top and actually has brakes. Not brand new, but in real good shape. It ran so good I had to ride the brakes to keep from running over inmates on the yard.

It was a good night. Busy like crazy, but good.

None of us got hurt and we all got to go home at the end of the night.

Chalk that one up in the "win" column.

Wednesday is going to be Friendship Day and National Raspberry Cream Pie Day.

Go bust a friend in the mush with a raspberry cream pie and say it's from me.