Attitude and Pepper Spray

With A Concerned Look On My Face

2012-01-28T00:36:00.004-06:00

One of the things I always hated seeing when I got in was all of the day shift Hive crew up in central doing paperwork. Especially when that was where I was headed.

Like today.

They said they had a double. They were taking an inmate out to put him on suicide watch and the cellie tried to push past the officers and run out of the cell. He got pushed rather firmly to the back of the cell while they took the one guy out. Not that big a deal.

Then when they tried to put the first guy in a suicide cell he bucked up and tried to fight and bite somebody and ended up getting sprayed.

Lovely.

Ran into Lt Strong and he was looking harassed. He said "I became shift commander in the middle of a bad count and then this happened! My day is going to last forever!"

I felt sorry for the guy. Bet he wished today that he'd stayed a Sergeant.

The house was full of utilities when we got down there, as they'd pulled everyone to do paperwork. They'd even pulled a caseworker to replace the Sergeant. Ten seconds after I walked into the office I was not happy. I could tell at a glance that my boards weren't right and the numbers were all messed up. That's bad.

A couple of them stayed to try and fix things and finally we just shooed them out and said "It's okay. We got this." and sent them home.

It took several phone calls and some heavy detective work to get all of our numbers straight enough to hope that count might clear. Luckily Stubby found one of our major errors and managed to clear it up. That one would have been hard to find without his help.

But it still took and hour to get things straight. First count cleared and we were on our way.

Later on in the evening Miz Goody came in and said the guy they had slammed earlier was complaining his hands were broken and wanted to see me. I'd seen him on the camera flapping his hands around so I was pretty sure they weren't broken, but I went anyway just to see what his deal was.

He proceeded to tell me the long sad tale of how they treated him mean ever since he got to this camp and wouldn't let him out of the Hive and when he tried to leave three officers jumped on him and strangled him and beat him up and broke his hands.

The whole time he's telling me this he's waving his hands around and wriggling his fingers to show me how broken they were. At one point he said they ripped "a big hunk of meat" out of his wrist. There might have been a scratch. I couldn't see very well. But he wasn't bleeding.

Then he said "They were beating me up and choking me and when I said they were hurting me they all said if I told anybody they would come back and do it again and call me a n*gger!"

"No! They didn't!" I tried my best to look astonished.

"They did, Sarge! They said if I told anybody they would beat me up again and call me a n*gger!"

"Well, that wasn't very nice of them ,was it?"

"No. I didn't like that at all."

I was starting to get an idea that this guy wasn't playing with a full set of hamsters in his wheel.

I stood there and listened to his tale of woe and all of his medical complaints with a look of real concern on my face until he finally wound down some. Then I told him to try and lay down and maybe get some sleep and that in the morning maybe they could put casts on his hands and maybe get him an aspirin or two.

That seemed to make him feel better and he went over and laid down on the slab, propped up against the heater and we didn't hear much out of him the rest of the night.

Then I went back in the office and slapped myself lightly on the forehead and said "Ay-yi-yi! What was I thinking?" If I'd have stayed out on the yard as a COI this would have been somebody else's problem!

Ah, well. I did it to myself and have nobody else to blame.

So. Saturday is going to be National Kazoo Day, Clash Day, Rattle Snake Round-Up Day and National Blueberry Pancake Day.

Sunday is going to be National Corn Chip Day, Curmudgeons Day, Freethinkers Day and National Puzzle Day.

Monday is going to be Escape Day (oh snap!), Inane Answering Machine Message Day, Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day and National Croissant Day.

I'll have butter on everything but the corn chips, thank you.

That Hat (Since Bryan Demanded It)

2012-01-27T00:06:00.005-06:00

This is that hat. It's a Stratton brand felt "Sheriff" style hat. Except ours has a little thing in the front of the crown that holds a smaller version of our badge.

You can't see it real good in this picture, but the brim bends upwards all the way around. Just slightly. Alot of cops wear this style of hat. Either these or those flat brimmed "Trooper" style hats. I think the flat brimmed ones look even sillier but at least they don't collect so much water when it rains.

All I did with mine was bend down the brim in front about an inch. Maybe two. Not a whole lot. It doesn't take much. Then I wear it just slightly cocked over my right eye. Like some other famous studmuffin who seems to be fond of hats.

Not that I'm comparing myself to Harrison Ford. I'm just saying he has good taste in hats, too.

So anyway, it's just a slight alteration. Just enough to give it a bit of my own personal style.

And just enough to give them up at Central a case of the googly-moogly's. I don't care. We work in a prison, for goodness cakes. Get the frack over it.

So there it is. The Hat Explained.

Friday (back to the Hive again) is going to be Punch the Clock Day and Thomas Crapper Day (Oh, so fitting....), Auschwitz Liberation Day, Holocaust Remembrance Day, National Pre-School Fitness Day, Viet Nam Peace Day and Chocolate Cake Day.

That's alot to take in, I know. Start out slowly....

It Takes The Right Kind Of Guy

2012-01-26T00:28:00.003-06:00

It takes the right kind of guy to pull off wearing a hat like that.

Some people just look awesome in hats and some don't. Luckily, I'm one of the ones that does.

In my mind, anyway.

The hats we wear as supervisors have this brim on it that curves up all the way around like a freaking salad bowl. Or one of those dishes that you can put chips all the way around the outside and the salsa in the middle.

They look just slightly ridiculous and if you keep them that way they tend to hold alot of water when it rains. I found that out in a hurry.

And no matter what they say, every single supervisor alters the brim of their hat slightly in their own way. Nobody leaves them like they came out of the box.

So I took a page out of Uncle T's playbook and bent the front of my brim slightly down. More like a fedora. Then I wear it slightly cocked over my right eye for that dashing rake.

It takes alot of work to get a quality felt hat to conform the way you want it to. A lot of bending and shaping and sometimes a bit of steaming to get them just right. Mine is still a work in progress.

I had it just about right when I came in the other day. I got called into the Lt's office and Captain Crane took one look at me and said a bad word. Then he said "If I'd have known you were going to wear your hat like that, I would have never promoted you! Dammit! I thought you were Uncle T!"

I just grinned and stuck my tongue out at him.

He curls the sides of his up and makes it look tall and skinny like him.

Now, I'm no Humphrey Bogart, but I do know how to wear a hat. And even if it's a bit contrary at times, I'm growing into this one whether they like it or not.

Besides, Uncle T is going to retire in a few years and somebody has to look this good after he's gone, right?

It was a fairly good day in the Hive so it didn't make me too grumpy. I survived. And I'll be back there again on Friday. Yayyy....

Thursday is going to be Australia Day, National Peanut Brittle Day, Toad Hollow Day Of Encouragement and National Pistachio Day.

Nuts!

They Really Are Listening!

2012-01-25T00:41:00.002-06:00

There are signs up over all of the offender phones that state "ALL CALLS FROM THIS PHONE ARE SUBJECT TO MONITORING".

The offenders take no notice of the signs and say some of the stupidest things over the phones sometimes. Every now and then we get a call from some phone monitor saying "Go find offender such and such and lock him up under investigation. He's trying to arrange for drugs to be smuggled in. Or he's threatening someone or he's threatening suicide to his mother if she won't send him some money."

They are always so surprised when they get locked up. They never think that somebody actually listens to any of those calls.

One of the knuckleheads got grabbed up today, not long after he hung up the phone. Apparently he called his girlfriend and had an escape plan all laid out. He was going to fake some sort of serious illness to get sent out to the hospital and she was supposed to bring some guns and meet him there and he could get away.

Well, that didn't work. Someone else was listening.

The last time I saw him he was in the back of a state vehicle in full restraints including thumb cuffs, surrounded by six heavily armed transportation officers with bullet proof vests and they were off to drop him at the Maximum Security prison down the road.

And I'm sure the local PD would be making a visit to his girlfriends house real soon as well. Willing to bet her address would be changing fairly soon, too.

They don't look kindly on that sort of thing around these parts.

Those idiots really should learn to read the signs, don't you think?

I'm down in the Hive tomorrow and again on Friday. I'll probably be grumpy when I get home.

So Wednesday is going to be Opposite Day, A Room Of Ones Own Day, Macintosh Computer Day, World Leprosy Day and National Irish Coffee Day as well as Burns Night (which celebrates the poet Robert Burns, and not what you do accidentally with dinner).

I'll take the coffee. You can keep the leprosy, thank you.

Had To Lay Down The Law

2012-01-23T23:32:00.002-06:00

Well, at least they didn't let me get bored tonight. Up in 10 house again. And there was no 30 house Sergeant so I got to cover both. One of the Substance Abuse Counselors caught an inmate smoking in the bathroom right before I got there, so I got to read a violation straight off the bat.

I should have seen the signs, I guess.

Not long after that an inmate came up to me and declared he wanted to got to the Hive for protective custody. Apparently he had gotten himself into debt with someone and was unable to pay so he was checking in.

**sigh** Made the calls and got his property packed and sent him on his way.

While that was going on someone called from 30 house and asked me to call or come over. When I get there, a gaggle of offenders were standing in front of the Sergeants office arguing and looking all sorts of pissed off.

It seemed that Kermit had found a broom and dustpan in one of the cells.

No big deal, right? We try to encourage cleanliness.

They had access to cleaning supplies but they were not allowed to keep them in their cells. They were only to use and put back. And apparently Kermit had issued a blanket warning to the room about this at the beginning of the month.

Now he was trying to give all six guys in the room extra duty work assignments for the infraction and they were all pissed off about it. And getting madder all the time, since Kermit isn't the easiest person in the world to have a conversation with.

So I stepped in and raised my hands for a little quiet. And I got it, amazingly enough.

"Okay guys, here's the deal. The broom was in your cell and you know it wasn't supposed to be there. You were supposed to return it when you were done. That's the rules."

"So what I want to know is, who brought the broom into the cell and left it there? We can settle this right here and now. Just man up and admit it and we'll deal with that person."

And all six of them stood there and stared at the floor like spoiled children and pouted.

I waited an entire minute, then looked at Kermit and said "Give them all extra duty. If they refuse, write each of them a violation and we'll go from there."

Well, they didn't like that decision one little bit. No sir. Several of them stomped off threatening to write complaints to the caseworker.

Like that scared me. Or Kermit. I think he gets a complaint a week, at least.

And to a man they refused the extra duty. So Kermit had to write six identical conduct violations. And he doesn't have any computer skills so he wrote them all out longhand.

So then I had to come back later and read all six of them to the offenders. Five of them refused to sign anything and gave me quite a bit of attitude but not enough to get locked up over. One was fairly polite and did sign his but still claimed he wasn't guilty.

I read the final violation at 9:55pm and just barely made it back over to 10 house in time for count.

And I was pretty happy when count cleared so I could go home again. I beat feet out of there just as fast as I could before something else happened.

Well, my first real attempt at some real sergeanting didn't go as well as I had planned.

But nobody got hurt and we all went home at the end of the night so it was okay after all.

Tuesday is going to be Eskimo Pie Patent Day, Belly Laugh Day, Beer Can Day, National Compliment Day, Talk Like A Grizzled Prospector Day and National Peanut Butter Day.

Exactly how does a grizzled prospector sound?

It Had It's Ups And Downs

2012-01-21T00:15:00.003-06:00

My day didn't start off well at all. The National Weather Service was predicting that we might get anywhere from a tenth of an inch to up to a quarter of an inch of ice in the form of freezing rain between this afternoon and midnight.

And it started sprinkling right as I got to work. I had a feeling that I was going to be there a long time.

Then they started this new carp that if you come in and clear the metal detector then go back outside for any reason you have to clear it again. Meaning if you have already come in and got your keys and radio and all of the carp on then step out front to talk to somebody you have to take it all off again before they will let you back inside.

What the freaking snap?

I had to watch the control center while Sgt Banty was in a meeting with the major. No big deal. I went up and did an inventory and everything that was supposed to be there was there.

Then Weird calls me from the Comm Room and says a set of keys are missing. Not signed out. No key tabs. And he had shift change lined up at the door and didn't have time to look for them.

Aw........ fragsnaggle. Why me? I was just watching it for a minute.... Snap.

Start making calls trying to find out where the keys are and opening and closing doors for people who are impatient going in both directions. At one point the Chaplain was standing there tapping on my window giving me a snotty look because he wanted to leave. I came close to giving him something that would have gotten me a severe talking to later.

Sgt Strings volunteered to go help look for the keys and I almost kissed him. And then Banty came back from his meeting. I tossed the whole thing in his lap and beat feet. I was uncharacteristically pissed off and really needed to be somewhere else for a change.

Not sure exactly why, but I was. And there it was.

They sent me to 2 house with Doozey and Hayseed and The Guy Who Is So Irritating He Doesn't Get A Nickname, which didn't help elevate my mood any at all. Doozey and Hayseed are all right, but that guy..... Man, I don't know about him.

I spent alot of time outside either smoking or pretending to smoke just so I didn't have to be in there.

Stubby and Miz Twang called me later to see if I was all right. I'd calmed down a bit by then and actually managed a laugh or two. I appreciated that.

Doozey and Hayseed kept pointing silly remarks and little digs at The Irritating Guy then looking at me. Several times I had to shake my fist at Hayseed being The Guy's back to make him stop. He was going to get me to say some seriously un-sergeantly things if he wasn't careful.

I nearly bit a hole in my lip several times. Having fun at his expense is like trying to sandblast a saltine cracker. Takes no time or effort at all.

Things went fairly okay until the 10:00 count. They had a new procedure in place where each inmate has to come to the door of his cell and be identified and say his name and number before we can move on. It's not too difficult and only a little slower than the old way so it was no big deal.

We got our count done and called in about 10:25. I was supposed to get off at 10:30 but I was going to wait for count to clear before I left. So I sat and waited.

10:30

10:35

10:40

10:45

We start hearing radio traffic. Having the yards run their IP inspections again. Phone calls being made. Uh-oh....

10:50

Okay, this is getting ugly. We start discussing what would happen if someone was actually missing and what we would do.

10:55

Oh snap. We might not be going home tonight after all....

10:59 Count cleared!

You could hear a sigh of relief go up all over the whole camp. I packed up my stuff and left.

Just a little freezing rain had fallen. Just enough to cake over my truck windows nice and solid.

It took me twenty minutes of scraping my windows for my fifteen minute drive home. I burned more gas warming the thing up than I did going anywhere.

But I'm home and it's Friday and I'm done. Whew!

Here's the weekend lineup and I'm hauling my happy butt to bed.

Saturday: National Hugging Day, Fancy Rat And Mouse Day, Squirrel Appreciation Day and New England Clam Chowder Day.

Sunday: National Answer Your Cat's Question Day and National Blonde Brownie Day as well as Roe vs Wade Day.

Monday: National Handwriting Day, National Pie Day, and Measure Your Feet Day as well as Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day.

Keep the celebrating calm, please. I'll be sleeping.

Not Our Finest Moment In Communication

2012-01-20T00:09:00.002-06:00

For what could have been a long tedious night, it wasn't too bad. I went out on the yard and got Uncle Scary and Gray Ham and Kermit.

Even if I didn't get to talk a whole lot, at least two of my crew could be counted on to know their jobs and take care of business with minimal sergeanting on my part.

As a matter of fact the high point of my day was when someone came up to me in the chow hall and congratulated me on successfully using "sergeant" as a verb. That made me grin and made my day.

The only problem that came up was solved before I got there. The company that takes out our trash dumpsters has a supply of the locks we use to keep them secure. They brought us an empty dumpster today and when the guys went to take out the trash after dinner they found that it had the wrong lock on it and we couldn't get in.

That was a new one on me.

But Goosey has been around long enough and he thinks pretty good on his feet (at work anyway) and had already made arrangements to have main production come down and get the cans in his truck and dump them up there.

My job consisted of telling the Lt's what happened and what we were doing about it. It involved absolutely no decision making on my part whatsoever.

Even as a COI I liked it when somebody could make a decision. It just makes life easier on everybody.

And another problem solved. Man, I'm good! (grin)

At any rate, things went on calmly until the 10:00 count. I was up in central getting some advice from Uncle Buck and waiting for count to clear when Lt Farmer came in and said "We got two guys fighting in 10 house. They got one and can't find the other one. Take two yard guys and go help!"

I dashed off in the cart and grabbed Gray Ham and Kermit, leaving Uncle Scary on the yard. Cruised down to 10 house and in the back door. Twister was just walking out of the office carrying an empty coffee pot. I said "Where's the fighters?"

He looked at me and said "What the snap are you talking about? What fighters?"

"Isn't there a fight going on in here?"

"Not that I know of!"

Aw, snap. I remember hearing Sgt Moon on the radio so we dashed over to 30 house, thinking maybe it was a miscommunication. I asked the kid in the bubble "Where's Sgt Moon?"

He said "Over in 10 house with those fighters, I guess. He's not here!"

What the..... back to 10 house we went. This time we ran upstairs.

Looked down in E-wing. Nothing going on down there.

Ran over to F-wing and finally found Sgt Moon. He had both of them in cuffs, sitting in separate chairs. Apparently right about the time we got up there someone decided to call downstairs and let the rest of the house know what was going on.

If something had gone bad nobody would have known where to go. Sheesh! At least we now had plenty of backup. Hot on our heels were Lt Farmer, Lt Sienna and Lt Poolio. And I had Gray Ham and Kermit with me. Those two guys had nowhere to go.

Except to the Hive. And that's where they went.

By the time we got done running all over the place looking for them anything could have happened.

But nothing did and we were lucky. I sure felt a bit foolish running all over the place looking for them, though.

I'll have to work on ways to get more information the next time, if possible.

It's a learning process....

Nobody got hurt and we all got to go home at the end of the night. That's all that really matters.

So Friday is going to be National Butter Crunch Day (Mmm... Butter Crunch...), Camcorder Day, Inauguration Day, National Disk Jockey Day, International Fetish Day (not going there), Cheese Day and Learn To Ski Day.

I'll bet there's a bunch of people up in the Pacific Northwest learning to ski right now!

Be Careful What You Wish For

2012-01-18T23:46:00.003-06:00

Last night on the way out I got a look at the chrono and saw that I was scheduled to be in housing units for the rest of the week. 3 house, 3 house, 2 house.

After being in the Hive for so long I find the regular GP housing units rather boring. Things rarely happen of any import in a GP unit.

And if you have a good or even halfway decent crew in a housing unit they usually don't leave much of anything at all for a sergeant to do. All you are left with is to sit there and sergeant. Which is kind of boring.

KP told me last night "These housing units wouldn't be so boring if they were yours." And that's so true. If I was in a house that was mine I would know most of the inmates and I would know how the house runs and I'd be making my own decisions about the standard operating procedure in the house and it would be more interesting. It would give me something to do other than just sit there and imagine becoming a verb.

Anyway, I didn't complain about the schedule, but I did groan a little theatrically. And roll my eyes a bit. I knew this kind of thing would happen if I got promoted.

Tonight Uncle T called me at 3 house and said "Remember when you whined about being in housing units all week?"

I didn't technically "whine" but.... yeah.

"Well," he said "Your wish came true! You are out on B-yard tomorrow!"

Okay. Cool. I can do that.

Then he adds "Better bring your ear plugs! You have Uncle Scary and Gray Ham out there with you!"

Oh snap. I'll never be able to get a word in edgewise. It will be like being stuck in a nest between two magpies fighting over the same piece of tinfoil. Oh lawsy.

I hear a voice in the background and Uncle T pipes up and says "Lt Baby Boy says if you don't like it, he'll put you in the Hive and sent LB out to B-yard instead!"

Oh, no. I'll take it. I can always disappear into the office and do some of that mysterious sergeant stuff that always needs to be done alone in a locked office somewhere. I'll come out for movements and to make sure the Geritol twins haven't talked each other to death and then sneak off again.

Sheesh.

What the snap was I thinking???

So Thursday is going to be National Popcorn Day (Hey! Uncle T! Popcorn!), Tin Can Day and Get To Know Your Customers Day.

Yeah, like that's going to happen.

I Was A Floater

2012-01-18T00:25:00.003-06:00

Just not like that. If you read too many detective novels like I do, a "floater" is a corpse found in the water.

They tend to be pretty nasty depending on the water and how long they have been in there.

I was a different kind of floater. And generally not as nasty as that.

Well, for the most part, anyway. I guess that all depends on your point of view.

At any rate, for some odd reason every single one of our Sergeants came into work today and I had nowhere to go. I was completely an extra. All of the housing units were full and all the yards stocked. They even had an extra person down in laundry.

Now if I were a dedicated and conscientious employee, I would have just asked to go home and saved the state the expense of paying me since there was obviously nothing to do.

But frack that. Burn up my comp time or paid vacation time because we were momentarily embarrassed with supervisors? Oh snap no. I grabbed that tiger by the ears and held on for dear life.

I went down to 6 house and hung out with KP and Walleye while Sgt Major went to get his yearly performance reviews done. Then I went and spent the rest of the night taking up space in the yard shack with Uncle T and the lads, swapping war stories and bad jokes.

But By Jiminy Crickets if they had needed an Emergency Sergeant or even just someone extra to do some supplemental sergeanting somewhere (he said, spitting all over the keyboard), then I was there!

Luckily for me, nothing happened and I got to eat my dinner in peace and hang out and do exactly nothing. I never got any keys of any kind and never once even answered a radio call.

It was a good night.

And the day very nearly started off the way I predicted it might last night. Woke up this morning to high winds and tarantula rain and medium sized hailstones battering the side of my house at 6am. It scared me out of bed and when I wandered sleepily into the living room the wife said we were under a tornado watch! Lovely.

What kind of lunatic state is this, anyway?

If I knew how to write, I'd complain to the Governor.

If he knew how to read, that is. Ah, well.

Wednesday is going to be Winnie the Pooh Day, The Do-Dah Parade Day, Thesaurus Day, Peking Duck Day and Maintenance Day as well as the Blackout Protest Day for Wikipedia against the stupidly worded anti-internet piracy bills.

Huzzah! Rejoice! Let the banners unfurl! Release the dang pigeons, already!

Strange Eerie Weather

2012-01-16T23:35:00.003-06:00

I guess you can tell right away since I'm writing about the weather that nothing of importance happened in old Raccoon City this evening.

And that's true, for my part, anyway. Nothing happened to or around or because of me that caused me the slightest concern.

I was pretty happy about that considering I work in a large steel cage filled with almost two thousand convicted felons and assorted knuckleheads and wobbleheads of all stripes.

A day where nothing bad happened is an entry in the "win" column.

But this weather now...... That has me a little worried.

Here it is the 16th of January and when I left the house to go to work it was 59 degrees outside. Windy as ten bags of what the snap, and extremely humid. So humid that the sidewalks stayed wet all day long, like it had just rained moments ago and even the 30 mile an hour wind gusts weren't drying them out.

And rather than cooling off as the evening progressed, it got even warmer. When I left to go home it was 65 outside. At 10:30 at night! In the middle of freaking January!

I stood outside with Lt Baby Boy and we looked at the sky together and wondered if we were going to get a tornado. I have a feeling that it wouldn't have taken all that much to get one going tonight.

They say the temps are going to drop hard tomorrow night and looking at snow again on Friday.

Man, when the weather here in the midwest starts doing that serious yo-yo thing it's time to start looking for the nearest shelter. I don't like it one bit.

On the plus side, it was a nice warm and enjoyable evening. As long as you didn't look up at the clouds and wonder what was going on up there.....

So Tuesday is going to be Blessing of the Animals at the Cathedral Day, Cable Car Day, Kid Inventors Day (the guy that invented kids or what?), Hot Buttered Rum Day and Ditch New Years Resolutions Day.

If you haven't done them by now, give it up and celebrate it!

It Smelled Like Old Times

2012-01-14T00:46:00.003-06:00

Disclaimer: If you are eating or have a weak stomach or are just one of those overly sensible people to start with.....

Well, you should know better than to be here in the first place.

But if you can take it, then read on.

They sent me down to the Hive again. Imagine that. I won't go into the reasons why I was down there. That's just..... no.

And on the way down there I said a few things out loud that I won't print here about my crew. My rec crew was good. It was Compass and Gray Ham. They are like Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau together but they know their job and get things done.

On the other hand I got Patch and the Kid for my floor crew and I despaired deeply. Patch bid in down there and that boy needs a hearing aid and maybe some Ritalin. Everything he says comes out in this unrecognizable blur all jammed together.

"Sarge! Doweblurrbleisthevisitsnaffle?"

"What?"

"Doweblurrbleisthevisitsnaffle?"

"Yeah. Sure. Whatever. Just do it."

And the Kid..... Well, he's been thrown out of everywhere else so I got stuck with him. He has to be in a place where he is under "direct supervision". And only on A-side. He's not allowed on B-side at all.

I wasn't happy about having him there. But he managed to help count and pass out the mail without setting anything on fire so I guess he did okay.

Like last night, I was glad that I had two experienced officers around who could help keep an eye on things.

We had what we thought was just a plugged toilet. Patch got them a plunger and they tried it with no luck.

So we got the inmate plumbers down there with their snake. No luck then either.

I called up front and said we would have to take that cell offline until we could get it fixed. That would have been Tuesday at the earliest because of the upcoming holiday. They didn't like that option and said to hang tight.

Two hours later the head Plumber pulls up in his truck with his five inmate workers and they roll out the big industrial snake and a whole chest of tools and boxes of parts and start tinkering with the drains. They spend over an hour pulling out an accumulation of....... Some pretty nasty stuff that had built up in the main drain pipe.

The smell was pretty awful. It smelled just like.... It smelled just like the Hive used to smell like all the time in the bad old days. Like an open sewer. It made my eyes water and my sinuses slam shut. It was the kind of odor that clung to you in sticky clumps and skittered around on the floor like hyperactive demonic termites looking to bore into your brain.

I was immediately sorry that I quit carrying Vicks in my lunchbox. That would have helped alot.

They got done just before count cleared and had to wait. My poor dorm worker spent another hour with a bucket of bleach water and some other cleanser mopping and re-mopping the floor. The combination of the two cleaners he used was almost as toxic as the original smell. But he finally got it cleaned up and I sent him back to his house with stern instructions to take a long shower when he got there.

Even now, hours later, I still can't smell anything. My nose may have finally given up in despair.

But for a Friday the 13th, it wasn't as bad as it could have been. I've seen worse.

So Saturday is going to be National Dress Up Your Pet Day (Critter! It's time!), Organize Your Home Day, National Hot Pastrami Sandwich Day and Penguin Awareness Day.

Sunday will be Hat Day (Whoo Hoo!), Humanitarian Day, Strawberry Ice Cream Day and Snowflake Photograph Day.

Monday of course will be Hot and Spicy Food International Day and National Nothing Day as well as National Fig Newton Day and National Nothing Day.

Celebrate Nothing!

A Good Thing I Brought Burritos

2012-01-12T23:50:00.005-06:00

It was a hard snow. A sudden and vicious snow. It wasn't deep or thick. It just rolled in with a sudden cold fury like a mad dog to a week old steak bone. It made the early morning roads a mess and a sudden ice rink that seemed to catch everyone by surprise.

I was scheduled to be in the Control Center. And my crew had already threatened to call out and leave me with a bunch of utilities unless I brought them food.

They were kidding. I think. But just to be on the safe side I stopped in to Taco Bell and bought a bag of big cheesy potato burritos. Goosey got me hooked on those things. They are filling and tasty.

It was a good thing I brought them. We needed the extra energy.

It seemed like almost everything that could go wrong did go wrong tonight. And if I hadn't had Vinnie and Stubby up there running the show all would have been lost. Once again they proved themselves to be the Pros from Dover when it comes to the Control Center.

Me, I just stayed out of the way and tried to divert some of the Captains ire and general fed-upness away from my crew. Captain CJ wasn't having any better of a night than we were and all of that steam had to blow somewhere.

What went wrong? Everything. Keys lost. Transfers delayed by the weather. A bad count. More keys lost. Bad weather. Even more keys lost.

The bit with the keys was really starting to get on my nerves. We found most of them but it was a major hassle.

Our transfers were supposed to get here between three and four in the afternoon. They ended up not showing until after 10:00pm count cleared. And we ended up being six short from what we thought we were going to get.

One got left in a prison halfway across the state because the bus was too full. Five more got left at the camp up the road because they weren't sure where they put them.

Captain CJ was hot. And all that jiggery-boo with the numbers force my guys to do some creative accounting with the paperwork to make sure it all came out right in the computer. What they did with the numbers wasn't exactly by the book but it straightened things out until the weather cleared and we could get caught up again.

And Vinnie was only half right. Sometimes putting the guy with underpants on his head in charge of the numbers is the best thing to do.

I'll just let you mull that picture around in your head on your own.

So Friday is going to be Make Your Dream Come True Day and Blame Someone Else Day as well as Friday The 13th (oh freaking joy), Public Radio Broadcasting Day, Rubber Ducky Day and Curried Chicken Day.

How I wish I could have blamed someone else......

Back To My Home Base

2012-01-12T00:27:00.002-06:00

They had me on the bench when I left yesterday so when I came in I was dressed for wherever. It was supposed to be cold and bliskery outside so I layered up.

When I came in they said 25 house.

**sigh** Okay. I can do that.

It's an awfully boring house, for the most part. The offenders there are all in a program and they don't want to lose it, as passing the program is usually a condition of their release. So they usually behave themselves.

What I don't like about it is that they are all in the sexual offender program. So you know right away what kind of inmate you are dealing with over there. And they tend to make my lip curl.

But I was going to go and try to make the best of the evening.

Just as I was about to head over there Lt Sienna poked his head out and said "Hey Revvy! Change of plans! You're going to the Hive!"

Oh. Okay. I can do that too!

My first time down in the Hive as a Sergeant. I was kind of excited and a little nostalgic and a little bit saddened by being down there. The place seems so empty without BG in it still.

But I buckled down behind the desk and sat there kind of befuddled as I watched other people doing the stuff I was so used to doing myself. I tried to busy myself with paperwork but there really isn't all that much paperwork to do down there.

Just checking the numbers and writing a quick report to the Captain at the beginning of shift and I was done.

And nothing happened. They got their meds. And they got their chow. And some of them went out to rec.

And nothing continued to happen for quite some time.

Persistently, almost mockingly, the nothing continued happening despite all of my mental efforts to the contrary.

Then about halfway through the shift I hear a call from the wobblehead house to Sgt Uncle T and they said "10-10 ASAP!"

Oh yeah. I know what those ASAP calls mean. Something bad has happened and I'm going to be getting something to do finally!

So I grabbed up my lockup sheet and had my pencil poised, waiting for the phone to ring. All the while listening to the radio traffic. Uncle T called Lt Farmer who called Captain CJ who called Captain Spit who called Sausage out on the yard and told him to go get the camera and bring it down.

That's never a good sign when they want the camera. If they need pictures of something it's going to mean paperwork for somebody. At least it wasn't me, this time.

Turns out there was a fight in one of the cells. One of them ended up getting whomped in the.... groin area.... and the other one got his head banged off of the bunk. The first one got a bag of ice for his crotch and the other one had to be sent out for stitches.

And nobody saw the fight before it was over. The cell door was closed and apparently it started right after the officer had left the wing so they would have the maximum amount of time.

Well, we got the kid with the bag of ice pretty quickly. I think he was happy to get in a cell and lay down for awhile. The other guy didn't come back from the hospital until just after we left for the evening.

I thought that was going to be our excitement for the evening when I got another call. They were locking one up out of 2 house. He was hearing voices telling him to kill himself. Nice.

We got him in and stripped down to a smock in a camera cell in no time. He wasn't real happy, but at least he would find it a bit harder to kill himself in there. And being in a cold cell with nothing on but a kevlar smock makes you realize that there are some good things out there worth living for. Like clothes and hot food and a mattress and blanket, if nothing else.

And to top my night off the lovely and sniffly Sgt Miz Archer came in early to relieve me. Bless her heart. She sounded like she had a miserable cold but she was happy to see me and I was happy to see her. In more ways than one.

So I survived my first night back in the old homestead.

We all walked out safe at the end of the night, and that's all that mattered.

Thursday is going to be Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day (okayyy.... sounds kind strange...), National Peach Melba Day (really?), National Pharmacists Day, National Handwriting Day and John Hancock's Birthday.

Go party on, you fabulous wild men!

Selling Out To Commercialism

2012-01-10T23:05:00.003-06:00

I don't often do product endorsements here. Lampoons, yes. Endorsements, no.

As a matter of fact, I don't think I have ever done a product endorsement on this site.

Not that I can remember, anyway.

But I have one now. When I got promoted my wife took one look at those white shirts and declared "You are going to need one of those bleach pen thingies!"

As a profession doer of a sloppy husbands laundry, she knows these things. So the next time she went shopping she bought me a Tide Stain Stick. Which I of course, promptly stuck in my lunch box and forgot about.

I went three and a half weeks without spilling anything on my shirt. I was so proud of myself. Then last weekend when I worked that double I managed to spill some coffee on myself. Not much, just a few drops.

And I was so out of it from being tired I forgot I had the stain stick.

Yeah, I got frowned at for that. But she managed to get it out anyway in the wash with a few dark looks and some vigorous scrubbing. I vowed to remember it the next time.

Lo and behold tonight I was sitting in the little sauna of a Sergeants office in 30 house tonight and I got a drip of coffee on my shirt. Being the thoughtful and dutiful husband that I am, I remembered the stain stick in my box. Got it out and went dab dab dab.... Holy snap! It works!

I was really astonished. Actually had to go look in the mirror to make sure it was really gone and it was.

So if any of you are a messy drinker or eater like me or if you are prone to fashion faux pas and wear white after Labor Day, you might think about getting one of these things.

It takes out small dribs of coffee anyway. I won't testify to anything more than that.

And P.S. Don't let the dog chew on the thing. It's not good for the dog or the stain stick.

Disclaimer: No animals were harmed or even greatly inconvenienced in the production of this blog post.

Wednesday is going to be National Step in a Puddle and Splash Your Friend Day (Not Sgt Puddle, but the other kind), National Human Trafficking Awareness Day, Secret Pal Day and Hot Toddy Day.

I'm Darev2005 and I approved this message.

War And Peace

2012-01-09T23:58:00.003-06:00

The day started out pretty peaceful. For our shift, anyway.

On day shift right after lunch some knucklehead down in the Hive got frisky. They ended up calling a 10-5 (officer needs assistance) and spraying him and having a pretty major use of force.

When you call 10-5 over the radio people come out of the woodwork. And sometimes you end up with more help than you really needed to begin with. But you get help, anyway. That's always good.

At any rate, alot of people got involved and everyone involved had to do paperwork. Replacing those people brought the staffing levels down so the Major closed the yards for the remainder of the afternoon.

So when we came in there were no inmates out playing and only minimal movement.

Since I was the A-yard Sergeant, that didn't hurt my feelings at all. Once the guys got IP done, we had nothing to do until count cleared after 4:30.

As soon as we were done with mainline I was standing out in front of A-dining and Fogey came out and said "I think I'm going to have one of my workers in cuffs here in a minute. He went to med pass and never came back. I'm through messing with him."

I told him "Do what you need to do. Call me if you need me." Then I headed across the yard to get a cup of coffee. No sooner did I reach the shack when he called me on the radio to come back. Sure enough, he had the little numbskull in cuffs.

Fogey had released his workers who took meds to medical. Everyone else came back in less than twenty minutes. This idiot was gone for almost an hour and didn't walk back in the door until chow was over with.

Trying to get out of working. Well, it worked. In a way.

The knucklehead tried crying to me about it saying that medical made him wait up there all that time. It was all their fault.

So I called the medical officer. "He was here, all right. Got his meds and walked out the door. We didn't keep him any longer than anyone else."

Walked back into the office and looked the kid in they eye and told him what the medical officer told me. When he tried to cry again I said "You're beat. You are going to the Hive. Get over it." Then I read him his violation and sent him off to the Hive for refusing to work. That is one quick way to get locked up around here.

About an hour later I get a call to go up to 1 house. Miz Spikes is up in the bubble and she has two small chunks of rock, about an inch long and maybe half an inch on each side. She was doing a cell search and found them in a desk. When she picked them up and asked the inmate about them he got a bit agitated, saying that he was Native American and they were "Ceremonial" stones. He went on to say that she had "tainted" them by touching them and now they would have to be "blessed" again before they would be of any use.

Now, religion is kind of a touchy subject in a prison. As it is outside. You tread on thin ice when you start handling religious things. And certain religious sects are more touchy than others about the handling of their things.

But there are strict rules about "sacred objects" and how they must be identified and packaged. These were just laying open in the desk.

So I took the rocks down to the office and called the offender down there. He was a little upset. I told him that I understood, being part Native American myself. I'm not enough to really count for anything, but it's still there. I told him that if he wanted to keep his sacred rocks free and clear of any molestation that they would have to be sealed into a medicine bag. That way we would know it's his religious objects and it wouldn't get touched or tampered with. And if it was sealed then we would know that it didn't contain any contraband.

He calmed down and said he understood and took his rocks back and said he would get a medicine bag to put them in from the chaplain.

I thought the problem was solved.

About two hours later I got another call to come to 1 house.

JonT had heard the story from Miz Spikes and had gotten curious and looked the offender up on the computer. It said his avowed religion was Christian. And when JonT called the guy down there and asked him about it, whether he was native American or Christian the guy tossed the rocks back down on the desk and said "Actually I'm Southern Baptist!" and stomped out of the office.

Now, according to DOC policy, you are only allowed to claim one religion. You can't be a Catholic Muslim Jewish Wiccan Baptist. Or a Seventh Day Mennonite Odinist Baha'i Pentecostal. It doesn't work like that. You have to be one or the other.

As you can guess, I was getting a little pissed off about this whole situation at this point. Called him back down into the office and between JonT and I we laid it out flat for him. Pick something and stick with it or stop playing games. I said "I don't care about you. I don't care what religion you are. And I don't care about your rocks. If you want to keep them, put them in a medicine bag or the next time your cell gets searched they will be taken as contraband and disposed of. Period."

JonT actually got to play "Good Cop" and told the guy to go talk to the chaplain and maybe get some counseling and decide what he wanted to be. Me, I got up and told him to take his rocks and go away.

And he took his rocks and went away.

I suspect that he was just trying to make a fuss about it and make people less likely to search his cell. They do that alot. And more than once I have found what they didn't want me to find hidden amongst or behind their religious objects. Like the one time I found a tattoo gun in a hollowed out bible.

But either way we shut him down on that approach. I'm sure he'll try it again on someone else.

But at least the officers in 1 house are wise to that one now.

And the remainder of the evening passed in peace.

Tuesday is going to be Peculiar People Day (Oh yeah. Lots of them), National Cut Your Energy Costs Day, League of Nations Day and Bittersweet Chocolate Day.

Let's get there early for the parade!

I'm Not 21 Anymore

2012-01-08T06:37:00.004-06:00

Back in my younger days, about the time this country of ours was founded, I could stay up all day and night and not miss a beat.

Of course, I won't go into detail about what I was doing back then while staying up all night. Needless to say it was a lot more fun that what I did Friday night.

Since there are so few Sergeants the list for overtime is short and tends to rotate quickly at certain times of the year. They'd called me last Friday and said I was #2 again, even though I'd worked over only two weeks before that. So I sat and trembled with fear all week every time the phone rang.

On Friday I knew I had to be getting close again so I decided to take the horns by the bull and do it on my time, rather than theirs. So I called up and volunteered, knowing if I stayed over it would give me two days to recover.

And I got my wish......... Sort of, anyway.

I got what I asked for.

Lt Pennybags (who looks just like the Monopoly Man), that strange little gnome who runs the books on midnight shift, called me up.

Lt P: "You volunteered to stay over, right?"
Me: "Yup."
Lt P: "Okay. We need a yard sergeant."
Me: "A'ight then. Which yard do I get?"
Lt P: "Both of them."
Me: "Okey....... Dokey."

Having pretty much no idea what went on during midnight shift as far as the yards went, I wandered back and forth, writing down names of my officers and who was what and asking lots of questions.

We had an inmate in the dry cell. That meant that we had to supply someone to watch him in rotating shifts every hour. And they kept pulling from my yards. Since I only had two officers on each yard, that meant I was short most of the time.

So instead of being a lazy joik and sitting on my butt saying "Get it done" I did half of the A-yard inner perimeter check and then went over and did half of the B-yard IP to give my guys a hand. They were startled but grateful. Apparently that doesn't happen too often. From what I hear most of the midnights yard sergeants sit up in central and drink coffee with the Lieutenants or nap in a chair somewhere.

On midnights we count at 1:30am. The first time, anyway. And I had to go help count 1 house. Right about the time we were going to count two things happened. One, another camp showed up with an inmate that they were dropping off at our medical. Why, since they were only twenty miles up the road, they decided to bring him up at 1:15 in the morning we have no idea. So that delayed our count. And two, we had some guy in 1 house yelling that he had a medical emergency at 1:25.

I went up with some grumpy know it all new guy to check out the situation. The offender was pale and panting and shaking saying he was having an anxiety attack. Not knowing what else to do, I called a Code 16 (medical emergency) and stated "difficulty breathing".

Lt Beez came trotting in and took charge of the situation in his usual "I know more than you so I'm taking charge" kind of way which was fine with me. It was good to give a Lieutenant something to do rather than sit and think of mischief to get into.

It turned into a great big deal with them taking the guy to medical and then locking him up "under investigation", suspecting that he might have been intoxicated. That pissed the guy off and he swore he was going to sue us all. He claimed he had a good attorney (that always cracks me up) and that we would be left with nothing by the time he was through with us.

Hey, I got nothing now. What are you going to take from me?

At any rate, between him and the delivery we ended up counting almost an hour late, which threw everything off for the rest of the night.

And they kept me busy running back and forth all night long. At least I got some exercise. I learned a few things about the way midnights functions.

It's a whole other world. Believe me. How they manage to function with so few people is a complete mystery. You learn to juggle, I guess.

Apparently I didn't screw anything up too badly. I didn't even get any nasty looks.

And now I have to spend all day today trying to do all the stuff I was going to spend all weekend doing.

Joy....

Monday is going to be Play God Day (Sweet!), Balloon Ascension Day, National Clean Off Your Desk Day (I'd have to rent a dumpster!), National Static Electricity Day (shocking, eh?), Panama's Martyr Day (Noriega?), National Apricot Day and Aviation In America Day.

Take the day off and celebrate!

I'm A Zombie

2012-01-07T08:05:00.003-06:00

Worked another double last night. I'm.........

Tired.

Think I'll go to bed now.

Job Offers

2012-01-05T23:32:00.003-06:00

Most of what I have heard since I got promoted is "You're going to midnight shift down in the Hive, sucker! Hee hee hee!"

I kind of expected that was going to happen.

But now since Sgt Drew says he wants that spot, different things are opening up. More Sergeants are wanting to move around than I first expected and hopefully something at least halfway decent will come up on our shift.

I talked it over with the Watcher this evening and he gave me some sage advice. "The longer we are in limbo, the longer we get to stay on third shift where we want to be." That is so true. He's so smart it scares me sometimes. I may have to adopt him.

Went across camp to read a violation because Uncle Buck was busy flirting with the Captain or something. Big Mac cornered me up and said that he was bidding in down in 30 house and Sgt Moon was bidding out. The Kid got himself pulled out of there again (hopefully forever) and he wanted me to come down there and help clean the place up. Big Mac said he wanted me down there at his back.

Granted, that house needs some serious cleaning up. And Big Mac has a lot of back to cover. It would be a serious challenge. I'll have to give it some serious thought. But I felt a little proud that he wanted me down there.

When he said "I need a Daddy down there to protect me." I had to laugh. Like he needs protection. What he needs is someone to keep the Captains and the FUM off his back while he gets the place running the way we want it to.

I could run interference, anyway.

As long as the Kid is gone and I don't inherit that train wreck I will give it some serious consideration.

If the spot actually comes open.

We'll see.

So Friday is going to be Bean Day, Three Kings Day, Twelfth Night (on the 6th???), National Smith Day and the birthdays of both PePe LePew and Sherlock Holmes.

Egad, mon ami!

The Evil Glare

2012-01-05T00:33:00.003-06:00

The Evil Glare. Usually reserved for inmates who won't behave, but is more often than not used on staff. Just a silent and subtle warning that usually gets ignored to their peril.

But I'll remember.

And this Evil Glare goes out to Sgt Uncle T who called out tonight and left me (again) on the yard with Sausage and Kermit. My ears are still stinging from the constant chattering.

I don't think I spent more than fifteen minutes inside the shack all night long. Instead I went and found Sergeanty things to do elsewhere. Like hanging out in the office in dining and reading violations at 6 house.

It got me out on the yard, yeah.

But I'll remember that....... Just you wait....

And by the way, the coffee pot in the shack is now dead. At least I didn't do it this time. It died all on it's own.

Maybe it's a sign.

Thursday is going to be Bird Day, National Whipped Cream Day, FM Radio Day, Bozo The Clown Day and National Second Hand Wardrobe Day.

Get all dressed up for it!

Just In Limbo

2012-01-03T23:41:00.003-06:00

Still in limbo about where I'm going and what I'll be doing. Sgt Drew and one of the other new sergeants want to go to midnights and that should fill them back up again.

And right now there just aren't any openings on evening shift for the Watcher and I to fill, unfortunately. I keep hoping that at least two of ours go to day shift and leave openings for us.

The last rumor I heard was from Capt Wheelie who had heard that the decision was going to be made tomorrow and we would start our new shifts on Sunday. And that would mean of course that we won't be staying on evening shift. Pfui.

One of the things that really sucks about getting promoted is that we are now all the way down at the bottom of the seniority list. The Watcher and I especially were just getting to the point where we'd been here long enough and proved ourselves and could probably get anything that we wanted to bid on.

Three weeks ago when we were COI's.

Now we have to start the whole process over again, getting the spots that nobody wants and the ratty days off until we can get into a good spot again and hang onto it.

I'm not ready to get stuck in a house again five days a week. I'll take it if I have to because the Major put me there, but I'd prefer one of the utility spots where I can move around some days and work different places.

And the inmates really don't want me stuck in one house all of the time getting into their business. When I get bored I tend to get into things to make the time go by. The type of things that amuse and entertain me and make my nights go faster but that really annoy the inmates.

**sigh** Maybe we'll hear something tomorrow....

Wednesday is going to be Trivia Day and Humiliation Day as well as Perihelion Day, Dimpled Chad Day, Pop Music Chart Day, Tom Thumb Day, World Braille Day, World Hypnotism Day and National Spaghetti Day.

You are getting sleepy...... sleepy.....

A Long Road Ahead

2012-01-03T00:12:00.004-06:00

I got a long way to go before I get comfortable in this supervisory role. I was kind of a nutcase at chow this evening.

I think the high temp this afternoon was in the high thirties or low forties. With some pretty intense wind gusts all night long which brought the wind chill down into the low teens.

It's been close to an hour since I got home and I think my earlobes are just now starting to come back online. It was the kind of cold that felt like someone was running a frozen chainsaw up and down your legs, even through the long johns.

As usual when we are running the chow line, there were officers inside the chow hall and some outside doing pat searches and watching the yard. I was worried that they guys outside were getting too cold and I kept running out there to make sure they were okay and then running back inside to make sure things were going well in there.

I'm sure it was mildly amusing to watch.

We had a good crew out on the yard tonight. I had the Fireman and Gray Ham and Snack. The Fireman and Gray Ham are both old yard dawgs and know what to do without me getting on to them. Snack is young and fairly new but has a pretty good head on his shoulders. He'd gone up to watch the med line and I ran up to make sure he went inside and warmed up when he needed it.

The Fireman was inside calling the houses and checking with me about the timing and Gray Ham was out in his insulated bibs wandering the yard watching the movement. He wouldn't have gone inside if I had told him to so I didn't bother.

It should have been a no-brainer. They could have easily run chow without me.

But instead I let it get to me and I ran back and forth like a fool trying to keep an eye on everything all at once. I know better than that but I did it anyway. Not exactly sure why.

Even way back when I first started working for the DOC years ago I always wanted to know where my crew was at all times. It was just a thing with me. Not necessarily for my own safety but for theirs. If I hadn't seen someone for a few minutes, I wanted to know where they were and that they were okay.

And now that I'm a supervisor that has stayed with me. And gotten worse. Or better. Stronger, anyway.

During mainline I had eleven officers and a Lieutenant wandering hither and yon inside and outside of the chow hall. And my mind wouldn't rest until I had located all of them.

Crazy, I know. I really need to learn to relax a little.

I'll get there. I hope. Or I'll get an ulcer. Another one.

So, still no word on where I'll end up or what shift. What with the holidays and all the Major hasn't been in much and alot of people are shifting around. I keep hoping at least two Sergeants on our shift want to go to days and open up a few slots on evenings so I can stay where I'm at.

Keeping my fingers crossed.

Tuesday is going to be Festival of Sleep Day (Ahhh... sweet, blissful sleep!), Drinking Straw Day, JRR Tolkien Day, Momento Mori (Remember You Die) Day and National Chocolate Covered Cherry Day.

Sleep.......

No Milk (But There Was Cookies!)

2011-12-31T00:00:00.002-06:00

10 house again. Hoo-rah. Spent most of the night in my office catching up on my reading and poking around in the computer.

That Brand New Shiny Sergeant Drew (grin, wink) sent me an email about some supervisory skill training the middle of next month that I didn't know about so I went and filled out a request to go. Maybe get a few of those required eighty bazillion hours of training out of the way early.

I don't know if they'll let me go. I don't even know what shift I will be on by then. There's been so much "wait and see what happens" lately! Aargh!

Sgt Banty called me from the control center and reminded me that I needed to see him before too much time had passed. Apparently I'd been on the list to go pee in a cup for the state for a couple of weeks but our paths hadn't crossed until tonight. I'd had plenty of time to study for the test. (grin)

As we were heading out Stubby came up and said "Hey! They have a whole plate of cookies in Central! A big one!"

Sweet! We trotted over and got my test out of the way then scooted over to Central to raid their cookies. Like I said, there was no milk, but hey! Free cookies! I scarfed a few (It's okay. I ate a salad for dinner so I was a good boy) and hung out and chatted for awhile before I headed back.

And the rest of the evening was pretty much boring. Read a little. Fiddled with the 'puter some more. Got up and moseyed around a bit. Some parts of the Sergeant gig aint too bad.

At least I had an office I could go to and shut the door when I wanted. Not too many places have that option. It was peaceful.

I got a call and Lt Sienna told me I was #2 on the overtime list. Already!?! Snap!!! But since I was 2:30 to 10:30 if they didn't call me by the time count cleared I was gone. And on my Friday, no less.

But I made it out. Yayyyy!!!! Let the weekend begin!

Whups! Almost forgot. Here's the lineup!
Saturday: New Years Eve, Unlucky Day, Make Up Your Mind Day, No Interruptions Day and National Champagne Day (of course).
Sunday: New years Day, First Foot Day and Z Day as well as Bloody Mary day.
Monday: Run Up the Flagpole and See if Anybody Salutes It Day, Buffet Day, Happy Mew Year For Cats Day and Apple Gifting Day.

Please celebrate responsibly. We're getting full.

Like Herding Cats

2011-12-30T00:09:00.002-06:00

Out on B-yard again tonight. And they gave me Sausage, Kermit and Uncle Scary for my officers. Oh joy.

I actually think herding cats would have been more fun.

And my head is still ringing from their constant yakking. Between Uncle Scary and Sausage you'd think they invented the world. Been everywhere and done everything better and faster than anybody ever has or ever could. They've experienced so many things between them that I'm constantly surprised that they haven't left Earth for more exciting places yet.

But I'm sure the rest of the universe is already old hat to those two.

Once again, I couldn't get a word in edgewise.

And Kermit. What can you say about Kermit?

He has absolutely no social skills at all. He's abrupt and rude and in-your-face about everything. I had him out front of the chow hall down pat searches and every single one of them was almost a use of force. He treated each offender like they had a weapon on them somewhere and he was determined to find it.

I think the phrase "He manhandled them" fits him to a tee.

Several of the offenders looked at me afterwards and I just spread my hands like "What can you do? It's Kermit!" They just shook their heads and went on.

So, it felt good and bad to be on the yard. I know how to handle most of the things that come up and I know the daily routines. But that crew drove me to distraction.

It will almost be a relief to go back to 10 house tomorrow and hide in my office.

I still have no idea where I'm going or what shift I'll end up on. There are so many Sergeants shifting around right now that I'm going to wait and see what comes up on third shift.

For now I'll play The Waiting Game.

Later on I'll get bored and play Hungry Hungry Hippos. Then I'll feel better.

Friday is going to be Festival Of Enormous Changes At The Last Minute and National Bicarbonate Of Soda Day as well as Bacon Day, Falling Needles Family Fest Day and Relaxation Day.

I'll need a bicarbonate and some relaxation after today all right!

No Crystal Ball In My Pocket

2011-12-29T00:13:00.002-06:00

Well, I've been a Sergeant exactly two weeks now. Doesn't seem like it's been that long. I'm still surprised when I see that white shirt hanging on my closet door and I always startle myself by walking past a mirror. Especially with that immense sombrero of a hat on.

It's taking some getting used to. Even now when someone says "Hey, Sarge!" I'll look around in wonder and think "We have a Sergeant?"

Oh yeah, that's me.

It seems like a big part of the Sergeanting business is having information. There's never enough of it. And everyone seems to think I should have all of it at my fingertips. Now that I'm a supervisor I should know everything that's going on, at least in my zone.

Trust me, all I got was a new badge, a big hat, a new ID card and two days of unrelated training. Oh yeah, and the shirts. Can't forget about the new white shirts.

But they did not issue me a crystal ball. I don't know everything. I know the places to find out things, but I don't have all of the info necessary to run a prison stapled to the brim of my hat. The hat isn't quite that big.

But it's bloody close.

There was a phone call during mainline this evening. I wasn't close, so Sausage answered it then told me that an inmate from 8 house was going PC. That's all I got. Lt Farmer was across the room so I went and gave him a heads up that we would be locking one up.

He wanted to know the inmates name, number, and who was going to escort him to the Hive. As I went to find out he told me to also call Lt Baby Boy and give him the information. So I called 8 house and found out. When I called Lt BB, he wanted to know what cell he was from, whether or not he was packing his own property and whether or not he took any medications.

So I had to call back to 8 house again.....

It's a learning process. That's the kind of stuff I need to be able to find out quickly so I don't look like too much of a fool in front of my supervisors. I need to make a "Somebody is getting locked up" checklist in my head and get all of that together before I tell anybody anything.

I imagine there are a few other checklists I need to have made up as well.

Or I can just find me a miniature crystal ball somewhere and clip it to my duty belt between my keys and my pepper spray.

That might be easier.

By the way, a big shout of thanks to Sgt Smiley on day shift. He found an extra coffee pot in 10 house to replace the one I broke the other night. So now I won't get frowned at and it won't cost me fifteen bucks for a new one.

Yer a lifesaver, dude! Thanks!!!

So Thursday is going to be Pepper Pot Day, Tick Tock Day and No Interruptions Day.

Don't sneeze! (Sorry, it's all I had)

The Really Crazy People

2011-12-27T23:28:00.004-06:00

Back in 10 house again this evening. The Brute has the week off so they stuck me down there as a fill-in.

A very strange thing happened right after I got there. I was down in F-wing looking for something to read when I heard a voice behind me. It was Uncle T!

"What are you doing here?"

"I guess I'm working here with you!"

"Really?" (What the snap?)

"Yeah, when I came in Lt Baby Boy told me to go to 10 house, so here I am!"

I was bewildered. I wasn't complaining, but I was bewildered. He's assigned to the yard and they couldn't really pull him without a real good reason. And why they would send him to a house that already had a sergeant.....

But who am I to make waves? We went down to the office and drank some coffee and chatted for a bit. In the meantime, the yard guys were wondering where their sergeant was. And the confusion filtered up the chain. Lt Farmer called on the radio and Uncle T answered with my call sign, which was "T-5". When asked where he was he stated "Housing Unit 10".

A few seconds later St Francis called for T-5 and I answered and he got all confused.

By this time Capt CJ got into it and was demanding to know why there was no sergeant out on the yard and why we had two in 10 house. Lt BB backpedaled and said it was all a miscommunication and he was actually telling Uncle T that I was in 10 house, not that he was.

So Uncle T went back to the yard and we all had a good laugh about it. Apparently St Francis was scared to death that he was going to have to run the yard. Like he couldn't and hasn't done it a bazillion times before. But he's a big chicken when it comes to admitting that he knows anything at all. He plays that "I'm a big dumb doofus" card alot.

He's big and he's a doofus. But he's not dumb by any stretch of the imagination.

And so the night went on. I was lucky and unlucky.

Luckily Sgt Moon was in 30 house so I didn't have to worry about them. Unlucky because he wrote two violations and since he can't read his own, I had to go read them for him in that little oven of an office of his.

And while I was reading those violations, one of the "Security Aides" from CTC was trying to call me. CTC is where they keep the offenders that are way too crazy to be out in general population. I know almost all of those guys over there and they all know me, for the most part. They do get pretty crazy at times.

When I got to CTC they said that one of their offenders had made a remark about killing himself. So I trotted on down and it was old Willie. The story goes that Willie had been a cab driver years and years ago. A couple people had stiffed him on a fare and tried to run off. He followed them and killed them both and stuffed them into the trunk of his cab. He drove around with them in there for awhile until people complained about the bad odor and someone at the cab company opened the trunk. He was kind of busted after that. And already well on his way to being completely crazy.

So anyway Willie had remarked that he was going to kill himself and we were obligated to take him down to the Hive and put him on suicide watch. He was already pretty excited when I got there and got even more wound up when he found out where he was going.

And the more Willie gets excited the more he sounds just like that little Indian on "Go Go Gophers".
For an example of that if you've never seen the cartoon go here. Go Go Gophers.

Luckily someone else showed up for the escort and I had some more backup in case he went completely off the deep end before I could get him cuffed up. And we got him dressed and the cuffs on him and he went on his way without incident.

Then I got to fill out the Suicide Intervention form myself and run it up to central for the Captains signature.

Whew! That was more Sergeanting than I had done as of yet. Between Sgt Moons hot little office and the adrenaline dump when I thought I might have to wrestle with this big lunatic got me all hot and sweaty.

And the very last thing I did was to rinse out the coffee pot in the office. And broke it. Whacked it on the corner of the table and cracked it all the way down the front. Rats! So now I have to go buy a replacement carafe this weekend. The older guy on midnights with the Jimmy Swaggart hair is going to be really vexed with me until I get it fixed.

What a pain.

I would remark that this Sergeant business isn't all it's cracked up to be, but I know better.

So Wednesday is going to be Card Playing Day and National Chocolate Day. An annual flour fight festival, ''Els Enfarinats,'' has taken place in the Spanish town of Ibi in Alicante.
A spoof army dressed in full uniform and other bizarre characters engaged in a boisterous battle using flour and eggs as their weapons.
The 200-year-old event takes place every year on the 28 December to coincide with the Day of the Innocents, the equivalent of April Fools' Day.

How's that for a fun holiday tradition?

Two Houses, Nothing To Do

2011-12-26T23:42:00.002-06:00

When we have a shortage of supervisors, they frequently make on sergeant over a couple of houses. Or sometimes three, with the yard sergeant picking up the slack in between.

Tonight I was both the 10 house and 30 house sergeant. I thought "Okay, between the two of them, they'll have something for me to do. Maybe I can stay busy and the night will go by fast."

Nope. Nada. Zip.

I walked down to the house with Punkin and he showed me where my office was. It had a desk and a computer and a coffee pot with a bathroom right around the corner.

He said "You have to help E-wing with 4:30 count and again at 10:00. And you help take them to chow at about 3:20 or so."

"And after that?"

"You help bring them back from chow."

"And then?"

"That's it."

"Really?"

"Yup."

And that's what I did. Pretty much all night.

I got up and prowled around a little but it was making the guys nervous. I went over to 30 house and checked on them but everyone was behaving themselves.

So I went back to my office and made coffee and fired up the computer. There was supposedly a tutorial on there about how to do the employee performance reviews that all the supervisors have to do. And the yearly reviews are due at the end of January so I figured I'd better get a handle on the process.

Ever sit through a PowerPoint presentation? Even in a class with 20 or 30 other people after the first ten slides your eyes start to get droopy.

Imagine doing that in an office all by yourself.

Now imagine that you are sitting through a PowerPoint presentation on a subject that you know absolutely nothing about and imagine that the presentation is 100 slides long.

One freaking hundred pages describing the employee performance review process from start to finish. Repeatedly and in great detail.

I'm lucky I didn't slip into a coma.

After every twenty pages or so I would get up and go outside in the rain to smoke and wake up a little. Walking around in little wet circles, listening to the rain spatter off the top of my hat.

The top of that hat holds an amazing amount of water, by the way. Enough that if I tipped my head the right way it would douse my cigarette. Found that out totally by accident.

The next night I get like this I'll flip through the presentation one more time and take some notes on some of the salient points. Hopefully I'll be a little more prepared when the time comes to actually do the rating sheets.

And some time next year they will send me off to supervisory training to actually learn how to do the rating plans properly.

Whaddaya wanna bet they show me the same PowerPoint presentation in the class?

Tuesday is going to be National Fruitcake Day and apparently nothing else.

You celebrate this one. I'll get the next one.

They Are Giving me A Complex

2011-12-24T00:33:00.003-06:00

If I though they were messing with my head bad before the promotion it's even worse now. None of the paperwork has me as a sergeant. I know it's only been a week, but come on!

Every time I look at the chrono to see where I am at next they have me scheduled in a COI spot. They always change it at the last minute. Last week I checked and I was 30 yard. Tonight I checked to see where I was supposed to be on Monday and they had me in the Control Center in Miz Twang's spot.

They are either extremely lazy or they are trying to hide me in reserve and hope nobody notices they have an extra sergeant or they are trying to yank my chain.

Or any combination of the above. I guess I'll call Sunday night and find out if they put me somewhere.

One of my gripes about being a COI was that we rarely got any real appreciation from supervisors. Of course there were some that went out of their way to say thank you now and then for just being there. But those were few and far between.

Just a simple "Hey, thanks alot, guys! Good work tonight." tends to go a long ways here. So I'm trying to remember to be supportive of my crew.

I had this conversation with ET out in the yard shack tonight:

Me: "I'm sure glad you and the Fireman were here tonight."

ET: "Why?"

Me: "You guys are the yard dawgs. You know what needs to be done. I don't get out on this yard all that much."

ET: "You work out here. You know what's going on. What are you trying to pull?"

Me: "I'm just saying I didn't have to tell you to do anything. You guys just did your job without me saying anything and I'm glad you're here."

ET: "What is this? Some sort of freaking 'People Skills' thing? Don't you pull that stuff on me!"

He was getting a bit excited and I kind of let it go at that point. I didn't want him to get over agitated and have a stroke or something.

I just muttered to myself "Well, THAT went over good..." and then I wrote myself a mental note to never try and compliment ET when he's been drinking coffee half the night.

**sigh** I sure hope this stuff gets easier.

Hey! Only seven days left to vote on the Story Site! Vote early and often!

And here's what the weekend is going to look like:
Saturday: Festival Of Latest Novelties, Christmas Eve and National Egg Nog Day.
Sunday: National Comic Book Day, Christmas, A'phabet or "No-L" Day and National Pumpkin Pie Day.
Monday: National Good Neighbor Day and National Pancake Day, Boxing Day, National Candy Cane Day, National Thank-You Note Day and Whiners Day.

Have yourself a merry little solstice....

The Dreaded Skit

2011-12-22T20:55:00.002-06:00

I'd been enjoying the training, as I mentioned last night. It was fun and entertaining and the discussions were loud and spirited.

Maybe a little too spirited, as the instructor often had a hard time regaining control of the class. We were a boisterous bunch and he kind of had a small voice.

But it was a subject that was close to my heart. I really wanted a stake in helping make the new officers someone I could trust at my back in a dustup. Make them into officers that I could say "We really need to get this done." and be confident enough to walk away and tend to other things because I know it'll get done. That's important.

I completely forgot to mention last night (among other things) that I ran into Peggy Sue and lost myself in another one of those ultra-comfy squeezy hugs of hers. Heaven! That left me all blissed out for like twenty minutes. She's like..... The Earth Mother after quite a few mocha lattes. All buzzy and full of energy and alot of fun to be around.

As long as she's not pissed off at you, of course. Then it's a whole new ball game. Yikes! (grin)

Back to earth. Anyway...... (Whoo!...)

Despite the fact that I was sleepy and grumpy (and yes, a little Dopey as well) I enjoyed the class and learned things.

Until he said one little phrase right before we left for the day yesterday.

He said "We might be doing a few little skits."

And there went all of my enthusiasm. Skits. Really.

Are we at camp?

Skits.... Really?

I tried to talk him out of it, but there was no shifting him.

I said "When it comes to training, there is no bigger demotivational word than 'skit', I hope you know..." He was steadfastly holding to his training plan.

Come up with a performance objective for a post or task relevant to working inside the prison and come up with a short skit to demonstrate it.

Freaking...... really..... a skit.

I never perform well in front of a crowd. If I wanted to be an actor I would have gone to acting school. But I don't want to act and I don't want to know how to act so I don't know how to act. Actually.

If you just wanted to see me make a fool of myself open your eyes. I'd been doing that naturally for..... a long time now. Nearly half a century.

They already suspect I'm a fool. Don't make me get up in front of them and remove all doubt.

I can write, after a fashion. I can draw and create things with my mind and my hands. I often have a quick tongue and a sharp wit. I've even written reams of poetry and songs and once the most part of a musical. I can be quite creative at times.

Until you tell me that I have to get up in front of a crowd. Then everything in me turns to ashes and lead. My brain transforms itself into little more than an ornamental paperweight or a less than attractive but quite effective doorstop.

It's just not pretty.

Luckily someone else came up with an idea. We did it and I participated by saying as little as possible (which was good) and like in the interview I neither wet myself nor fainted nor died so I guess I can chalk it up as a win.

But I didn't like it.

So now I am a certified Field Training Officer.

And just for irony's sake I'll go ahead and mention the ten minute discussion we had on why they really don't want Sergeants or other supervisors as FTO's. Since I was the only Sergeant in the room I got eyes rolled at me a few times during that one.

KP leaned over and said "Rev, you might as well just go home. They don't want you after all!"

To which I replied "Frack that. I've already been here for a day and a half! I'm staying!"

Most of it beat going to work. Except for the getting up early and the stupid skit part, anyway.

So it's back to work Friday for one day and then off on my weekend. To try and catch up on my sleep and try to get back on my schedule again. Hoo-freaking-rah.

And before I forget, we need more readers and voters at the short story site! I am losing to KP miserably! Help! Vote! Only one week left until the end! Aieee.........

Friday is going to be Roots Day, Festivus and National Pfeffernuesse Day.

Say that five times fast!

To The Sleep Cycle!

2011-12-21T20:13:00.003-06:00

Oy.... This week has my sleep cycles all messed up. Here it is only 8:00pm and I'm already yawning my head off. It's making me old before my time. Or possibly right after. I forget.

Ran into the Training Gnome the other morning while I was picking up my new shirts. (New shirts that fit! Yayyy!) Shook my finger at him and said "Any more of this surprise training and you and me are going to have some issues!"

He just laughed. Imagine that.

So after four years of trying, I'm finally going to be a Field Training Officer. What that really means is that they consider me (after I've been trained, of course) someone who can show the new hire officers what to do while working in a prison.

Not like I haven't been doing that already, mind you. It just means that I'll have a certificate and a little extra dingus to hang on my shirt pocket that lends me an air of legitimacy.

Whoops. Just a hint of cynicism poking out there. Sarcasm. That thing.... you know.

It's not that I don't believe in the program. I do. I think it has great potential and can be a good tool for helping new officers learn how to do their jobs and survive the probation period with all of their limbs and just enough brain cells intact.

And it can also be a helpful tool in weeding out some of those who don't need to be here in the first place. A few of those get through and once they get past probation it's the Devils Own Mother to get rid of them again before someone gets hurt. That takes an act of Congress sometimes.

It's a good program, like I said, if it's utilized properly. Unfortunately it isn't always. The OJT's get shunted off somewhere that we need bodies or used as extras to do some large search to look good on paper most of the time and not left with an FTO long enough to actually learn anything. The Captains and the Lieutenants tend to look at them as free staff and use them where they can to cover holes in the shift rather than trying to get them trained and that's a real shame.

And I'm enjoying the class so far. It's been spirited and lively and made us think outside of the box some. I'm just hoping that I am alert enough to be absorbing some of this information.

I want to be a good FTO like I want to be a good Sergeant like I wanted to be a good COI.

Did that last sentence make any sense? I keep looking at it like someone just wrote that in Martian or something.

Holy snap I'm tired.

And sometime in the next week or so they are probably going to move me to another shift.

If I drop dead of a heart attack let this be my witness. They did it to me. The swine!

Let me check the calendar for the first time in forever and then I'm off to bed.

Thursday is going to be National Date-Nut Bread Day, Ann & Samantha Day (?), National Haiku Poetry Day, Regifting Day and the Yule. Whatever a Yule is.

I can't even make that into a sentence. Dang!

Double Time Again!

2011-12-20T12:18:00.005-06:00

There's a real downer for ya. One facet of getting promoted that really really sucked. Even though I worked a double just a couple of weeks ago it no longer counted and I was back at the top of the list again.

Of the five new promotees, only the Watcher and I are on third shift so that put us right at the top of the mandatory overtime list. And he, being the slick evil swine that he is, got himself immediately off the list by teaching a class on his day off. Grrr!

I'm kidding, of course. I tried to do something like that myself. They just didn't need any extra sergeants on my days off. **sigh**

I actually volunteered to work over last night. The training office called and said I was scheduled for some more of the surprise training on Wednesday and Thursday. I had no clue that was coming. Alot like the last class. If I hadn't worked over last night they would have snagged me tonight and there's no way I could work sixteen hours then try to stay awake for another eight hour class immediately afterwards.

Please do forgive me if I ramble a bit. I just woke up. Managed to get about three hours sleep after I got home this morning. Phew.

ABOUT EIGHT HOURS LATER

Well, i went in and stayed about five hours and went home. They had enough people and I was dead on my feet.

I have to be up at about six in the morning for training for the next two days. Yuck.

I
Am
Going
To
Bed

Good night!

I Chose The Lesser Of...

2011-12-17T00:02:00.003-06:00

Sgt Banty was supposed to be in the control center tonight but he volunteered to go on an outcount so I got a choice when I came in.

Do I want to be the control center sergeant again or do I want to spend six hours in a state car driving half way across the state and back with a compulsive chatterer?

Oh yeah. I took the control center. Hands down. Besides, I had Stubby and Miz Twang up there! Please. Pfft!

Stubby had the desk and I traded back and forth with Miz Twang for the doors as needed. We worked together well (just like before) and got through everything just fine. I got to do a few vaguely Sergeant-like things.

Trying to work into it slowly.

Spent a bit of time printing out some policy that I'm going to need to brush up on fairly quickly. Our annual ratings are due at the beginning of the year and I don't even know how to rate them or who I am going to have to rate just yet.

So when the time comes (sometime in the next two weeks) I'm going to have to bust my behind to get them done in time.

Yikes! Study, study, study...

There was one sour note that I saw today. They warned us about sour grapes the other day when we all got promoted. And I noticed a couple of people who shot me snotty looks or wouldn't even look at me on the way out this evening. All people who had interviewed when I did.

Really? We were friends on Tuesday. Okay, whatever....

They'll either get over it or they won't. I don't really care either way but it did hurt my feelings a little bit. Ah well. We'll see what happens. I'm going to do my job the best I can and my entire ultimate goal is going to be exactly the same. To make sure that my crew gets to go home safely at the end of the night.

That's never going to change as long as I'm inside the fence. Period.

So on with the weekend lineup:
Saturday: National Maple Syrup Day, Asarah B'Tevet, and Wright Brothers Day.
Sunday: National Roast Suckling Pig Day and International Migrants day.
Monday: Oatmeal Muffin Day, National Hard Candy Day and the day For South-South Cooperation.

Can't they even get along with each other? Sheesh!

An Air Of Responsibilty

2011-12-16T00:05:00.003-06:00

I had to laugh when I saw that picture. It was just too good.

The last two days I have gotten more congratulations than I expected. A few times I wasn't sure I was going to get my hand back. It felt good.

It's going to take me some time to move into this new role. Especially about not being the guy that does the stuff. That will be hard to do. I'm always the guy that does the stuff. Now I have to be the guy that watches someone else do the stuff. I'm just there for backup in case something goes wrong.

Tonight they put me in the control center. Not too scary. I've worked there before, I know some about how it runs. And I had Stubby and Vinnie there. They are the Pro's from Dover and they know their jobs inside and out. Between the two of them they know almost everything about running that place.

Stubby told me alot of things about being the Sergeant I didn't know. I probably should have been taking notes. Many of the things he said went in one ear and out the other just from the information overload.

But that's okay. Nobody expects me to know everything right away. I do expect that from myself at times, even if it's unreasonable. But we have some good people here and I can learn things from all of them.

Vinnie took me aside and said that I had developed an "air of responsibility" about me. And he showed me how that was both good and bad. It was good that I was stepping up and being a supervisor and trying to show my people that I was there for them. But it was bad in that I was trying a bit too hard and getting in the way. I stuck my finger in his pie and he let me know about it. Guess I was a bit too eager for validation. Just needed to take a deep breath and step back and let my guys do their job.

I'm just glad they were there tonight to handle things. I'd have been lost without them. They both did great. If I didn't say it before, Thanks guys! You made my job easy even when I was trying to make it difficult.

I'll get this. It's just going to take some time.

Friday (TGIF!!!) is going to be National Chocolate Covered Anything Day (sweet!), Underdog Day, Zionism Day, Barbie and Barney Backlash Day, and the feast of St Beoc.

Hit By Lightning (Just Figuratively)

2011-12-15T00:24:00.003-06:00

Well! This has been a long and trying day. Fun.... But long and trying.

I'd expected to spend my usual night up in the comm room. I had only been there for a few minutes when Lt Baby Boy yelled up the stairs. "Rev! You up there? Come on down! You have to go see the investigator!"

Aw, really? Now what? I haven't done anything! Heck, I haven't even written a violation in almost a year! What the snap... grumble.... grumble....

Trot across the street and all the way up to the top to the investigators office. He tells me "I'm busy. Go wait downstairs and I'll see you in a minute." Aargh. Okay, fine. Back downstairs I go.

Some other officer I don't recognize waiting down there as well. Then a few minutes later here comes the Watcher. Dressed in his training clothes. He'd been teaching the PR-24 baton techniques. And he says he has to see the investigator too. And one more officer I don't know shows up and is told to wait with us.

A suspicion begins to form in my mind. Hmmm....

A few minutes after that Captain Crane comes up and says we have to go down to the Personnel office. So we trot down there. The lady down there tells us to go back to the conference room and come see her afterwards so we trot back down the hall again. The Captain says "No, you have to go down there first, then come back up here."

Right. Okay, I'm starting to get a little aggravated at this point. Back down the hall we go again. She shrugs and gives us a piece of paper to sign that says we have been promoted to Sergeant and if we accept the job, sign here. Boink!

Yeah, I signed it. My mind in a whirl. I hope I signed my name and not something like "Yippee!"

When we get back down to the conference room we all sit down and Captain Crane asks "Do you all know why you are in here?"

I said "To mess with our heads?" He laughed.

Congratulated us all and shook our hands. We learned that Drew had gotten promoted earlier in the day so now he has like three hours of seniority over us. The dawg!

He and Captain Rogaine gave us all a pep talk. Then the Major came in and talked some more about what he is going to expect from us in the future. Then the Warden and a retired Captain came in and talked some more, congratulating and filling us full of advice.

I honestly only remember bits and pieces of the conversations. I do remember them all remarking several times that I was sitting there grinning like the Cheshire Cat the whole time. I just kept looking at that shiny new gold badge and thinking "Holy snap! I did it! How did that happen?"

When they finally let us go it was well past the time to go down to the training building to get new shirts. All I had was a badge and chevrons, so they said just to wear them on my blue shirt for the night. As we were down in the assembly room and I was putting my new badge on the Major came by with his dry cleaning and asked me "What size shirt do you wear?" I told him and he pulled a shirt out of his bag and said "Here! You can wear one of mine for the night!"

So I spent my first night as a Sergeant wearing the Majors shirt and scared to death that I might spill something on it. I ate my dinner and drank coffee with my coat on zipped up all the way.

And since I didn't get a hat and it was going to rain, I insisted on wearing my ball cap for the night. Sergeants and above wear Stetson hats and COI's wear ball caps. It threw everyone off seeing me in that white shirt with the ball cap on. Heck, I was hoping it would start a new fashion trend...

I survived the night. But my mind was in a buzz the whole time. Things are going to be very different. It will be an adventure, for sure.

On the way home I gave Sgt Uncle T a ride home and he gave me a painting that Miz T (aka NoisyFrogPond) wanted me to have as a congratulations present. It's a very cool portrait of and Indian with his face painted holding a lance and it will look very cool in my office. And I have the perfect spot to hang it in too.

So thanks, Miz T! I love it and it will look awesome in the Rev's Escape Pod!

On that note, I need to go to bed and hopefully get my mind to slow down enough to sleep.

Thursday is going to dawn bright and early as National Lemon Cupcake Day, Bill Of Rights Day, Cat Herders Day (wouldn't want their job!), and the feast of St. Urbitius the Hermit.

Wow. What was I thinking? What were they thinking? Wow.

The Laser Cutter Explained

2011-12-13T21:34:00.007-06:00

Years ago my wife and I worked for several different sign companies around the state and learned how to use computer cutters to cut vinyl lettering for signs. Even though it was work, it was fun and we had so much fun playing with it and designing our own stuff that we bought a cheap vinyl cutter and opened our own small company.

It's a Roland Camm-1 and it still works pretty good, even after close to fifteen years later.

When we moved up here to work for the state that business pretty much went by the wayside. The competition for sign work was too stiff and way too cut throat for our tastes, so we let it go but we kept the vinyl cutter to play with now and then.

Then about five years ago I ran across an ad for a laser cutter/engraver that worked alot like our vinyl cutter. But instead of a blade it used a small 40w carbon dioxide laser beam that could cut through thin wood (like 1/8" or less), paper, card stock, etc. It will also engrave on wood and certain other things of you set it up right.

The company sent me this tiny carved Aztec calendar about 2" wide done in wood with their laser that was just exquisite.

That's their website there if you can read it. Epilog Laser.

I wanted one bad. Wasn't sure exactly what I would do with it, but it looked like alot of fun. I'd think of something.

The problem was of course, money. The one I wanted that could do such amazing stuff was around nine grand and I don't keep that kind of cabbage stuffed in my mattress. So we had to settle for second or possibly third best.

We picked up a much cheaper Chinese made laser by scrimping and saving for three grand. And the company that we bought it from is now gone so we have to deal with the factory in China if we need any help.

That's not cool. Shipping alone is gawd awful.

Anyway, here's the one we bought.

It will cut and engrave, just like the other one, just not as well and the program that runs it is difficult to use and lacks alot of features.

My wife has been using it to cut out tagboard (like plain card stock) shapes for her friends on the internet who do scrapbooking. She also cuts out paper and other things. She is quite the whiz.

That black tube hanging down there is where the laser beam comes out. You do not want to put your fingers or any other bits of you under that thing. Trust me. I know.

Bits and parts of some of the shapes she has been cutting out lately. Some are large, as you can see, and some small and delicate. Usually our work table is quite covered with tagboard bits waiting to be mailed out all over the world.

Anyway, the laser uses three mirrors to focus the beam down into that little tube there. And because of the soot from cutting and the vibration of the machine, the mirrors need to be regularly cleaned and readjusted. It's a tedious and somewhat dangerous process involving having your hands inside the thing while it's running. It's real easy to get burned by the thing if you aren't careful. I have a couple of small scars to prove it.

Adjusting the mirrors involves lots and lots of tiny incremental adjustments that drive me crazy. The difference between cutting and not cutting can be as little as 1/32". And that's freaking tiny. My fingers don't normally do things that small.

Keep the jokes to yourself, people.....

So, that's the laser cutter. A sometimes fun toy that might pay for itself in another ten years or so. But, it makes my wife happy (when it's working correctly) so who am I to complain?

If you have any other questions, just ask.

On to other things. There's two new story sites that have popped up that deserve some attention. Both of them are brand new and just now growing and it will be interesting to see what happens.

The first one is The Obsessive Shadower. So far it looks like some sort of stalker stories. I think it has some real potential. Creepy, but fun. No zombies yet, but you never know.... (grin)

And the second one is FCC Short Stories. Looks like a few folks are having a competition. Only two stories up so far, but I like the looks of them. Hopefully they will have some more contributors soon!

P.S. One of the tales is mine. Can you guess which one?

And.... what else? Oh yeah. I went to "Trainer Skills Development" class this morning. Learned some skills in how to teach a class effectively. Organization, dealing with difficult students, class prep, etc. It was fun and informative. Becky is a great teacher.

I don't know if I will ever really become a trainer or not. It's alot of early mornings and extra hours that you don't get recognized for. And they hassle you about getting extra hours. But I figure it's just another bit of the enigmatic puzzle called The Rev that makes me so freaking awesome. (grin) Plus I had fun, even if I did have to get up early.

So, on with the calendar so I can hie me off to bed. I've been up since 6:00am and I am one tired puppy.

Wednesday is going to be National Bouillabaisse Day. Why we would have this on our calendars I don't know. It will also be Monkey Day (not FlyinMonkey, but we could pretend, eh?), and St John of the Cross Day.

I think I'll just stick to the monkeys. Probably gentler on the stomach.

Ack!!!

2011-12-12T23:24:00.003-06:00

Apparently I have training in the morning. Nobody knows what kind of training and I didn't get any advanced notice. Some manner of cluster frack.

So I have to get up early and be there by 8am. What the snap.

And now I have to go and try and fix our laser cutter tonight instead of in the morning like I had planned. That's probably going to take me hours. Pfui.

Tuesday is Ice Cream and Violins Day. Not separately. Together. Don't drip.

Can't Trust A Digital Thermometer

2011-12-11T20:20:00.002-06:00

I was right. I had The Ick.

Spent most of the weekend so far as fuzzy as a cotton ball with my head full of snot and NyQuil. At times I wasn't really sure if I was awake or asleep. There seemed to be little difference between the two.

At one point last night I grabbed the digital thermometer and stuck it against my temple. About 30 seconds later it beeped. I looked and it said 101.0 . Yeah, that was about how I felt, all right. Knew I had a fever.

This afternoon I was feeling a little better but was still doing the hot and cold thing so I thought I would check my temp again. Another beep and..... holy snap! 103.2!

The room spun around me a little and I thought "I may need to go to the hospital!" But then I thought "Hey.... wait a minute! If I was running that high I'd be sick as hell and probably delirious. At least dripping with sweat. As it is, I'm just uncomfortably warm. Something is awry here all right...."

Got new batteries and put them in and tried it again. Beep! 101.2.

Reached up in the cabinet and got the other one that you stick under your tongue.

Beep! 97.3 .

Just went and checked it again. 99.2.

Apparently I'm some sort of mutant.

We Almost Ran Amok

2011-12-10T00:39:00.003-06:00

You know what? I have been fighting this sniffly head cold all week and it's finally kicking my butt. I've been sneezing and my nose has been dripping all night and now it's sore from blowing it over and over.

Took one night time cold capsule about 9:00pm and another after I got home and my brain is full of mush.

Sat here and typed for half an hour about working the yard and when I got done I said "This is all gobbledygook!!" and erased it to start all over.

Frack that. I'm going to bed.

Just Disgusted

2011-12-09T00:13:00.003-06:00

We expect the inmates to act like idiots. It's a gimme. They're inmates and they're mostly stupid.

But every now and then a staff member will get a bug up their butt and make a fool of themselves and make themselves or all the rest of us or sometimes both, look bad.

I can think of a long list of staff members that I recall with a look of shame or a tinge of anger in my face. And quite a few of them still work there. Why, I don't know.

This latest contestant has seemed like he has decided to self destruct at any moment and try to take as many of us down with him when he goes. And before you even ask, I'm not going to name any names. Either you know or you don't and if you don't I'm not going to say. I'll just refer to him as John D'oh.

Last week Officer D'oh decided to tell a bunch of...... let's just say "untruths" about one of our supervisors. How he's incompetent and lazy and stupid and has no idea how to do his job. He apparently sits dumbly in the corner while Officer D'oh has to work and toil to do his job for him.

Keep in mind that this supervisor mentioned has been doing this job for somewhere around twenty five years while D'oh himself has only been here for about seven years.

And also keep in mind that this same Officer D'oh is the one that always has to be told repeatedly to get things done and won't show any initiative to do things on his own. Every day he sits on his butt and procrastinates in hopes that somebody else will get fed up and do his job for him.

D'oh of course, was bragging about this to a young female CO in order to make himself look more manly and professional at someone else's expense. And I guessed he imagined that it wouldn't get back to the supervisor, for some stupid reason.

So when it did get back to the supervisor and D'oh got called on it, he got mad and sulked and hid for the evening and then called in sick for three days so he wouldn't have to face the consequences.

Well, when he came in today he got another chewing on for running his yap and apparently went and tried to spread the blame around some more. It couldn't really be his fault, after all. He's the perfect officer! We should appoint him freaking king!

It seems that I too, am a lazy no good @%#*!##@!! and I never do any work and all I do is sit around all day and make poor D'oh do all my work for me. He apparently went and told that to the Lieutenant today. And once again, didn't seem to think it would get back to me.

When he said those things about our supervisor I said "What an idiot." And when he turned around and said those things about me I said.... a few stronger phrases.

So. I'm done with him. I used to consider him a fairly competent yet severely annoying friend. Now as far as I am concerned he is just another mouth and I plan on having as little to do with him as possible. I'm fed up. Done.

And I really shouldn't blog when I'm annoyed. It just doesn't work out well.

So I think I'll just stop now and drink the rest of my Chamomile tea and let my sleepytime meds work their way into my system and maybe take a few deep breaths and relax.

I got three more days before I have to deal with that snaphead again. I'll either ignore him completely or give him a piece of my mind. Either way I'll feel better.

So, what's Friday going to be? Lets find out....

National Pastry Day, National Salesperson Day, Weary Willie Day (no comment, think of your own!), and the day of St Juan Diego.

Go Juan Diego, go!

Oops... wrong story.

An Idea Whose Time Has Come

2011-12-07T23:34:00.003-06:00

For the last eight years I have watched our E-squad load up in their vans and drive all over the state to help search someone else's prison.

Nobody else ever came to ours to search in all that time. I never could get an answer for why from the old regime. I guess they never felt the need.

Well today they did it. Freaking finally.

About 6:30 this morning our squad along with the E-squads from four or five other institutions came in and searched our entire camp. I think they got done a little after 4:00pm this evening. Right around ten hours. And I believe somebody said there was somewhere around a hundred squad members there today.

All through the process and for all the rest of the evening the offenders stayed locked down. They only got a couple hours of open wing activity this evening after the squads had left. They didn't even get to come out for chow. Our Main Production crew made up somewhere around 9,000 sack lunches during the day and delivered them to the housing units. They ate breakfast lunch and dinner in their cells.

It was awesome. They sent the teachers and the librarians and the chaplains home. They kept the caseworkers and the rec guys and made them help search.

They locked up eleven or twelve inmates during the search. Mostly for just being stupid in a no stupid zone. They found one cell phone, a small bit of money, some drugs and a few razor blade melted to a plastic handle type weapons.

The general consensus among the staff is that we should do this more often, perhaps every three months or so. I heartily agree. Make this place a prison. A good show of force keeps them on their toes.

Anyway, I wanted to thank all of the E-squad folks who came in and worked so hard today. They all did an excellent job and I was glad to see them and will be even gladder to see them again.

Thanks alot, guys. Get some sleep. You earned it.

Thursday is going to be Take It In The Ear Day (Ummm... yick...), National Chocolate Brownie Day, and the feast of St Eucharius.

Put that in your ear and smoke it!

Freaking Tired

2011-12-07T01:18:00.002-06:00

Well, here it is, twenty minutes after I usually give up and retire for the night and I just got out of the shower. Didn't get home until after 12:30.

I suspected it was going to be a bad day.

When I was driving to work I rolled my window down to bust off a chunk of ice keeping my mirror from moving. I hit the window button and the glass went shoonk! right down to the bottom of the door inside. Hopefully it didn't break.

So I turned around to go home. Ran in and asked Miz Rev to tape a piece of plastic up over the window hole and drove the van to work.

Things went okay from there until late in the evening. Had to put up with a few young punks fresh off the transfer bus with big mouths and crappy attitudes. Rather than make a deal of it and feed their gripes I just ignored them which pissed them off just a little bit.

Out on the yard with the Watcher and Silent Bob and Sgt BK. The BK stands for Billy the Kid. He wears his hat cowboy style and looks really young. It was the best I could come up with at the moment.

Anyway, we had a good time until right before 10:00 count when everything went south.

Some guy in 4 house decided he wanted to check in right before they locked down for the night. Had to hustle to get him to medical and down to the Hive.

Just as I was walking into the Hive with PC boy, they called a Code 70 in 7 house. A Code 70 is a fire or at least a fire alarm. They called it at about 9:59.

Got him dropped off and hustled across the camp to 7 house, since I'm on the fire brigade. They were evacuating the house and lining the inmates up in the yard to count them while we ran in and went from cell to cell, checking for an actual fire.

While we were doing that, they counted the inmates outside in the yard.

Just as we got the house cleared and the inmates run back inside, Lt Farmer points at us and says "All you guys are staying over. The Major is here and we have something we need to do. Let's go!"

So we all troop up to central and into the Majors office and he tells us we are going down to search the laundry. There was a tip that a large amount of money was hidden down there somewhere and we needed to find it.

Well, about 25 of us went down there and searched the place top to bottom. It was hot as heck. Many of us were still dressed for the yard with layers of clothes on since it was 30 degrees outside. It was also dirty and nasty in some of the places we searched. We all got hot and tired and filthy and found practically nothing. About seven dollars in loose change and a couple of cell phone chargers, but nothing significant.

And I'm sure the inmate workers in laundry are going to be pissed when they come back in next time. We made a mess of the place. Ah, well.

It needed to be done and it made us look good in front of the new Major so i guess it was worth it.

And I bet I'll sleep good tonight.

Wednesday is going to be National Cotton Candy Day, Pearl Harbor Day and Leggings day.

And that's good enough.

That's Over With

2011-12-06T00:35:00.004-06:00

I'm just glad that nonsense is over with. But at least I wasn't alone. Almost everybody I saw came out of there saying "Oh Gawd, I did horrible!"

So I don't feel quite so bad about it.

I only really know one person who seemed comfortable with how his interview went and I knew he was going to ace it.

So I'm guessing I know at least one of our new supervisors.

I'm going to relax now and go back to being one of the front line grunts and forget all about moving up into posher quarters in officers country. At least down here I know what I am doing and it doesn't take any special training to keep doing the same thing.

And I guess that's all I have to say about that.

Tuesday is going to be National Gazpacho Day and Mitten Tree Day, as well as Pawnbrokers Day, Miners Day, as well as the day of St Nicholas, who later became Santa Claus.

I Was A Nervous Wreck

2011-12-05T13:03:00.003-06:00

I could have used some of those nerve pills. I think I did medium to awful.

They asked me questions about things I wasn't too sure about. Of course. I studied everything but that one topic.

Nice.

Now I'm trying to wind back down again and go to work and enjoy our first snowfall of the year.

Hey Now!

2011-12-03T00:10:00.003-06:00

Really. I have no idea what that picture is supposed to represent. I just put the word "hey" in my image search box and there it was...

"Hey, now!" is something that I say, usually to myself, when I'm startled or confused or nonplussed. I said it alot this evening.

There's a spot along the inner perimeter fence behind Main Production where the fence around the refrigeration machinery is only eight feet high. And since the razor wire is in two foot coils, that means it hangs down real close to the six foot level. Usually when I'm checking that part of the fence I walk all hunched over, since I am a shade over six feet tall.

I don't know if I got distracted and straightened up or bobbed when I should have weaved or what. Came to the end of the run to turn the corner and all of the sudden my hat was gone!

Hey now! I whipped around and there was my hat, hanging in the razor wire, waving in the breeze. At least it wasn't my scalp. I removed it carefully and luckily it didn't tear a hole in my new twenty dollar hat. For that kind of money, that sucker has to last me for at least a year!

And I spent at least half of the night losing my water bottles. I never did manage to drink a whole one before it would disappear. The water at the prison is extremely nasty and the only way I drink any of it is after it runs through a coffee filter. Otherwise I bring my own bottled water to drink.

We almost always have a golf cart on the yard and I usually leave my bottle on the cart so it won't fall out of my coat pocket. And every time I went to get a drink... Hey, now! Someone has run off with the cart and my bottle.

Warning! PG-13 Language and innuendo alert!

Sgt Archer is a big hunting and outdoor sportsman. He hunts and fishes and shoots things and even does taxidermy on the side. I imagine if you gave him a long rifle and a pair of buckskin pants he would disappear into the woods and never be seen again. Of course, Miz Archer would beat him silly if he tried that, but he'd think about it.

Anyway, he rummaged around in the shack and found a hunting magazine or Cabelas catalog or something and said "Ooooo.... hunting porn." Then he flipped it sideways like he was looking at the centerfold and said "Check out that beaver!!!"

I cracked up. The he drove off with the cart and my water bottle again.

Okay. Back to the Rated G stuff.

Things went mostly okay until we were about 75% of the way through our evening perimeter check when they called a fight at 6 house. Since I was the furthest one away I got there last and it was all done before I made it to the door. Sgt Archer was flying across the yard on the cart while I was running and all I could hear was him singing "I'm driving in my car.... I turn on the radio..." as he sped past. The nut.

While I'm still trying to catch my breath Captain CJ and Lt Poolio show up and a few minutes later they come back out and "appropriate" the cart and drive off with my water bottle.

Hey now!

So I walk all the way up to central and as soon as they go inside I re-appropriated the cart and brought it back. Fortunately I managed to get a drink on the way.

When I make it back to 6 house Sgt Archer comes out and tells me I'm going to help count and relieve until Anakin can go take care of the paperwork. Then he gets on the cart and.... well, you know.

Hey.......! Aw, frack it. I'll get something to drink when I get home...

Here's the weekend lineup:
Saturday: National Roof-Over-Your-Head Day, Earmuff Day, Skywarn Recognition Day, National Apple Pie Day and the day of St Francis Xavier. (not the one we have on the yard)

Sunday: Wear Brown Shoes Day, National Cookie day, National Dice day, and the day of St John Damascene, whoever he was.

Monday: National Sacher Torte Day, Bathtub Party Day (oh, boy!), National Ninja Day, National Turn Rev Into A Nervous Wreck Day, Repeal of Prohibition Day (I might need a drink!) and the feast of St John The Wonder Worker.

I can't wait for Monday to be over.....

My Preparations Are Complete

2011-12-02T00:27:00.002-06:00

Ever since I started this nonsense about trying to promote I have been bombarded from all sides. Both by well-wishers that want me to succeed and others who think I have some secret esoteric knowledge that might help them get promoted as well.

If I took all of the advice I would know all of the policy by heart and walk in dressed like a Majordomo with medals dripping off of my chest and creases you could shave with and a packet that was about nine feet thick.

And the only real advice I have for anybody else is "Relax and be yourself and answer their questions to the best of your ability."

I'm sure I'm going to be battling my nerves to try and follow my own advice, come Monday morning.

But I got one more recommendation letter from Sgt Puddle this evening and as far as I am concerned, my packet is complete. With only one more working day before the interviews, getting anything else to put in there would be pretty much fruitless, anyway.

So I'm done. I have a pressed uniform and I will run it over one more time with the iron this weekend and put a layer of polish on my boots and call myself ready.

And if that isn't good enough for them, then I guess I didn't really need the job anyway. I've never been much of a "spit and polish" kind of guy and I'm not about to try and become something that I am not. After eight and a half years here they know how I roll (as Peggy Sue so aptly put it) and if they don't like that, then..... Frack it.

I will be who I am. A great man once said "I yam what I yam and that's all what I yam."

I'm not a big fan of yams, but you get the point.

I'm ready. Let's punch this munchkin!

Friday I'll be in the control center again. I'm hoping it will be a good and auspicious day.
It will be National Fritters Day, National Mutt Day, Special Education Day, and the feast of St Lupus of Verona.

Hmm.... Fritters

Random Tumbling

2011-12-01T00:01:00.005-06:00

I've been spending some of my free time on Tumblr.com, just looking at other peoples photo blogs.

Of course some of the stuff I find there is pretty silly.

But occasionally one or two of them really make me wonder.

And in case you were wondering, nothing happened tonight. At least, nothing worth writing about. Or nothing that I will admit to, anyway. You know how it is.

Thursday is going to be National Pie Day and Eat A Red Apple Day, Civil Air patrol Day, Day With(out) Art Day, Rosa Parks Day, and the feast of St Gwrst.

Yeah, it's spelled Gwrst. Don't ask me how you pronounce it, either.

Ghosting

2011-11-29T23:19:00.004-06:00

There are some people here..... I imagine there are one or two almost anywhere you work... That spend eight hours inside the fence and you never see or hear of them all night long, as if they were never here at all.

I always refer to it as "ghosting". Other people have other phrases. Like "That blankety-blank so and so was supposed to be an extra out here on the yard and I haven't seen him all night! Where the frack did he go?"

Some people are extremely good at ghosting. On our shift after seven or eight o'clock there are numerous empty buildings you could slip inside of if you had the right keys. Bathroom, phone, coffee pot... sometimes even a teevee set if you play your cards right. And if nobody knows you're there, you can sit warm and cozy all night long.

Me, I'm usually not so good at it. I get bored and lonely when left by myself too long. And I feel guilty about not being out there doing something.

But tonight I got fed up and I ghosted. Sort of.

I came in early as usual and Lt Sienna said "Revvy, where do you want to work?" I knew right away we were overstaffed again. At least temporarily.

I smiled and said hopefully "Someplace warm?"

He said "Okey doke! Go work the control center until I need you!"

Sweet! Inside and warm was okay with me, after last night. So I went outside to smoke and wait for shift to start.

But alas, it wasn't to last. Five minutes later he came out and said "I need you to go on outcount. We have an inmate in surgery and I need you to go relieve the day shift guys. You'll probably be back early." It was at the local hospital, not five hundred miles away like some of them so I agreed. He gave me a couple of different people to take with me and I picked Brylcreem. He's a nice enough guy. His hair is so perfect it's a little irritating, but other than that...

So we went and relieved the day shift guys and an hour and a half later brought the inmate back in time to get back inside before count. Got him put up in medical and I put the car away and we went inside to find out where to go next.

We got into Central and Captain Spit was on the phone. Something bad about count.

"I don't know how they done it." He says, "But 30 house seems to be missing a whole wing. They're short 51 offenders somehow." He shakes his head and points at Brylcreem and says "I want you to go help 30 house remember how to count."

He sends me to A-yard to relieve the Watcher and send him up to Central. Something about training hours and his mad computer skills.

Well of course Sgt Uncle Buck aint gonna let his top guy go while count is messed up and we still have to run mainline. So I get to go hang out on the yard for awhile until he can go take care of whatever it is the captain wants.

No big deal. I go out and watch the movements and the line up at medical. For about forty five minutes.

Then Silent Bob comes out to where I'm at and says "You need to go up front and relieve Brother D and have him come in here and see Sgt Buck. He's in the P-car."

Okey dokey. Off I go. And Brother D isn't happy about being relieved. Plus, he hasn't been inside farther than Central in ages and I have to tell him how to find A-dining, where Sgt Uncle Buck is.

I always love being the bearer of bad tidings. And Brother D, aside from being one of the nicest guys you will ever meet, is also one of the people you do not want pissed off at you. He's big and strong and loud and a bit scary when he's pissed off. Fortunately, he's not one to shoot the messenger.

So I stay in the P-car for maybe half an hour then get relieved at the regular time by Bucky who takes his turn in the car and I go back inside. I left my lunchbox in the control center and I decided to stop and eat my dinner before I go back in for my next assignment.

While I'm up there they said "Revvy, you need to stay up here for awhile. We need some relief so we can go smoke now and then." Sgt Loompa nods and says "Yeah. You can stay up here. If they want you, they know where to find you."

So I ghosted the rest of the evening in the control center. Not "actually" ghosting, but as close as I ever get. And there was a coffee pot and a bathroom and while there was no teevee set, there was good company to make up for that one lack. That was enough.

And while I was there Peggy Sue dropped in for another of those great squeezy hugs and she brought me a letter of recommendation for my promotion packet that made me sound like the greatest thing since sliced bread. She used words like "poise" and "professionalism" several times. Even "consummate professionalism", which made me blush and say "Aw, shucks!"

I know I already said it, Peggy Sue, but thank you again. I only hope I can live up to that sort of recommendation. And P.S.- Tell your daughter I think she's every bit as cute as her Mom is. (grin, wink)

And since me and Brylcreem started early, we got to burn out early and call it a night at 10:30.

Not too shabby, for a ghost night.

So Wednesday will be Stay At Home Because You're Well Day (I'd like to!), Computer Security Day, National Mousse Day (the food kind, not the hair kind), and the Feast of St Andrew the Apostle.

Don't get your mouse and your mousse confused. That would be a mess!

Misery Loves Company

2011-11-29T00:23:00.003-06:00

Sorry. I just couldn't resist that picture when I found it. I'd put in "Misery" and all I got were pictures of that Stephen King book and frankly, Kathy Bates scares the crap out of me.

But then I found this picture and said "Yeah! That's cool! It has nothing to do with my topic but what the snap, right?"

So there it is. Enjoy. Velma was way hotter than Daphne anyway.

It's a darn good thing that misery loves company. Because it was a natural born dog-boned miserable night to be out on the yard, but at least we had plenty of company.

The wind blew in big gusts and it rained and sleeted and snowed and rained and sleeted some more from right after we got there and all night long. It wouldn't have been so bad but for the wind! That stuff would just cut through you like a frozen knife blade against your bones. I wore half of the clothes I owned and I still got cold. My neck and shoulders are all sore from tensing up when those cold gusts hit.

And we had so many people out on the yard that we wouldn't all fit in the shack at the same time. We had to keep rotating in and out so someone else could go in and warm up. I kept hoping two or three of them would offer to go home early just so we could get some space to sit down. But this close to the holidays nobody wants to give up any time waiting for that big comp time payout in December.

I certainly wasn't going anywhere. I'm waiting for that big comp time payout.... (grin)

Anyway, it was a good thing that all of the knuckleheads behaved themselves tonight. We were all pretty miserable and cranky any time we had to go outside and I think they could tell that. I'm sure if we had needed to "escort" somebody in cuffs that they would have ended up just as cold and wet and uncomfortable as we were by the time they got back inside again.

I can walk pretty slow when the mood strikes me. And run pretty quick when I need to. All depending on the situation.

But we all survived and I didn't even get run over by Sgt Uncle T when he drove up on the grass and scared me out of three years growth with his horn. The big putz.

Somebody needs to slap that man, some days. And if he had gotten stuck in the mud I would have laughed my rear end completely off. Before helping to push him back out again, of course.

Tuesday is going to be Square Dance Day (Oh whoop-de-frickin'-doo), Electronic Greetings Day, National Lemon Creme Pie Day, and the commemoration of Saint Saturninus.

Please celebrate in moderation!

That Prison Sense Of Humor

2011-11-25T23:55:00.002-06:00

I've talked off an on about the twisted sense of humor we have here. It's pretty bad and the longer you stay here the worse it gets.

I don't "really" mention most of the things that we find hilarious. For one thing, I don't use that kind of language here. The second reason is that I don't want to lose all of my readers.

Let's just say we are some sick twisted swine and leave it at that, shall we?

So the other night I was discussing getting together a packet for the promotion board with a friend of mine and I mentioned that I needed to get at least a couple letters of recommendation to put in there. Peggy Sue said I needed at least three and she's right. If you can't get at least three people to admire you enough to write letters, then you probably aren't going to get promoted.

My friend offered to write me a letter and I said that I appreciated that and thanked him in advance. And this evening when i got a chance to check my email there it was. Very professional sounding and well written and make me sound like an all around good Joe. It was almost a little embarrassing to read, but that what letters of recommendation are for, right? I smiled and printed it out and sent him a reply, thanking him for his effort. And that letter is going into my packet for the board.

Not long after that the phone rings and an anonymous voice says "There's another letter coming out of your printer for you." And sure enough, there was.

This one, however, was a letter of "Un-recommendation". It started out with "Seriously, are you people completely out of your collective minds?"

It goes on to say what a horrible train wreck of an officer I am, my lack of professional knowledge and demeanor and my ability to "lose control of any given situation." There's quite a catalog of all of my failings and goes on to state that I would be "An absolutely piss-poor candidate for promotion to the rank of COII."

But the last line was the very best: "Taking all of that into account, perhaps he is more qualified for the position of Captain."

I hadn't laughed like that in quite some time. I actually had tears in my eyes by the time I was done reading.

The whole thing had been written anonymously, of course. But I was pretty sure I knew who the culprit was and called back to thank him again for making my night.

It was twisted and awful and horrible (and only partly true) and it left a smile on my face for the remainder of the evening.

Thank you again, my anonymous friends, whoever you are.

And now that I got a bit of sleep last night I think I can get back to posting the calendar again.

Saturday: Shopping Reminder Day, International Aura Awareness Day, National Cake Day and the day of Saint Pope Peter of Alexandria.

Sunday: Pins And Needles Day, National Day of Listening, National Bavarian Cream Pie Day and the day of St. Severinus.

Monday: Make Your Own Head Day, Cyber Monday, National French Toast Day, and the Feast of St. Rufus and His Companions.

Aura awareness? Hmm....

Goodnight, Sweetheart, Goodnight

2011-11-24T23:39:00.003-06:00

We lost another good friend this morning.

Miz Double J, Choppers wife, passed away this morning after a long and difficult fight with cancer.

I didn't know her as well as I wish I had. But she was a nice sweet lady always quick with a smile and a laugh and the few times I needed her help she was always willing to lend a hand. Ladies like her are one in a million.

And there was something about her that always made me think of lavender. I'm not sure exactly why.

We all missed her when she quit working because of her health and we will miss her even more now that she's gone.

Please keep Chopper and his family in your thoughts and help them pull through this difficult time.

Goodnight, sweetheart, goodnight...

Sleep Deprived

2011-11-24T06:48:00.003-06:00

Yow. Worked a double shift last night and they kept me in the comm room. Spent most of the night walking in circles to stay awake.

Got to be back at work again in eight hours. I'm going to bed.

Have a happy turkey day.

Surprise In My Mailbox

2011-11-23T00:02:00.002-06:00

No, it wasn't a puppy. I just liked the picture.

I was actually in the bathroom this morning when the mail came in. Taking care of business, you know.... Thinking about stuff..... when I heard my wife say something I couldn't quite make out.

I asked her to repeat that and she said "You got a letter from the personnel office!"

Oh snap. If I hadn't been just then, I probably would have. If you know what I mean.

So I have an appointment to interview for Sergeant on December 5th. Aaaaiiieeee!!!

It's been kind of an emotional roller coaster all day. I tried to keep it to myself and act all casual but I couldn't. The first person I ran into was Drew who said "Did you get a letter? I got mine yesterday!" Well, that let the cork out of the bottle and it's been my topic of conversation all day.

I really hope I didn't make anybody else crazy with it.

Peggy Sue came by later in the evening (I was so happy to see her, especially then) and gave me a big squeezy hug which helped calm me down some and her and Sgt Puddle gave me an intensive counseling session on things to prepare and think about and say in the interview.

I hope I can remember a tenth of that stuff when I walk in the door.

Snap! It has been just long enough since I put myself on the register that I had almost calmed back down. Now I'm all nervous again.

Pfui.

Wednesday is going to be Dr Who Day, Fibonacci Day, National Espresso Day, Tie One On Day and Saint Cement I Day.

Imagine Dr Who on espresso!

Let's Just Stop This Crap Right Now

2011-11-21T23:54:00.003-06:00

You can read the whole story here.

Cell phones are becoming an epidemic problem in prisons all over the country. And something needs to be done about it now.

I'm not sure how many we find a year here in Raccoon City but it seems like every time I turn around somebody is finding another cell phone.

Not too long ago we got a call from a young lady who said that the man who victimized her had sent her a friend request on Facebook. I don't know her or him or what he did to her but from what I heard she was justifiably upset. We turned it over to the Captain on shift and hopefully he dealt with it appropriately.

I also don't know if he had a family member do that or if he did it himself over a cell phone.

But this kind of bullsnap has gone on too long and is becoming a real problem.

Cell phone trackers only work when the phones are on. Dogs can be trained to sniff them out but it takes a long time and is pretty expensive, from what I have been told.

How about jammers? I have seen them for sale on Ebay for fairly cheap. Let's turn each and every prison in this country into a cell phone "dead zone". Make sure that even if they do get a phone that it won't work inside the fence. Shut them down cold and hard.

Oh, what? Your cell phone doesn't get any reception in the parking lot? Well, too freaking bad. Drive a hundred yards away and you should be fine.

What's that? You are somebody important and you need to be connected to the world 24/7? Well, too bad, bundt cake! You aint that important.

The victims. They're more important than you. Society. The people we are protecting. Way more important. You can drive down the road just like anybody else.

And while we're at it, let's make possession of a cell phone in jail or prison considered an attempt to escape? Automatic?

Sounds like the possibility of another 8-10 years to me....

Okay, I'm done.

Storms rolling in anyway and I have to run.

Tuesday will be Start Your Own Country Day and National Cashew Day!

Nibble on something!

Dessicated

2011-11-19T00:10:00.004-06:00

Well....

I worked the dang laundry. And I was right. I didn't like it.

The staff down there were fine. More than helpful. Even the inmates were for the most part cooperative and easy to deal with. After all, the inmates get paid by the hour to work down there and it is pretty easy to lose your job if you want to be a knucklehead.

I made sure that they knew I was cranky about being down there and wasn't going to put up with any tomfoolery.

Or hijinks, either. I have a low tolerance for hijinks.

The laundry is a huge building. And it's chock full of ginormous washing machines and dryers big enough to wash a Buick in if you so desired. When all of the machines are running it is extremely noisy in there and the inmates have to scream at each other to be heard over the noise.

Which makes the noise that much worse, of course.

And despite all of those washing machines going and producing steam, the place is dry as hell. All of that lint that doesn't get caught in the traps and those hugemungous dryers suck all of the moisture out of the air and I am even now as dry and dessicated as that poor fellow in the picture above.

Between the hot dry air inside and the cold wind outside my lips are split in a couple of places and my hands are dry and crackly. And my sinuses are packed full of lint, along with seemingly every single pore in my body. Even my eyelids are crunchy with lint. Yuck.

Add that to the headache I got from the noise and the backache I got from doing about 150 pat searches and you'll begin to see why I don't like to work laundry.

And of course, just to add insult to injury, I got stuck with the count and relief in 4 house after I got done. The laundry officer always gets shafted like that. Not that I minded 4 house. But it's all the way across the camp from the laundry and I had to hustle to get there by count time.

While I was there I did hear a rumor that my pal FlyinMonkey is going to be the next one to step up and put himself on the register for Sergeant. So we all need to head on over to his blog and encourage him to get that done! Yeah, Monkey!

Anyway, my night time drugs are kicking in and the headache and backache are easing off to a dull scream so I'm just gonna hit the highlights of the weekend calendar and toddle off to bed.

Saturday: Have A Bad Day Day, National Day of Play, National Toilet Day and Carbonated Beverage With Caffeine Day. Apparently there is no saint for this day.

Sunday: Absurdity Day, Children's Day, Name Your PC Day and National Peanut Butter Fudge Day. Again, no official saint. What the snap?

Monday: World Hello Day and False Confessions Day, World Television Day, Gingerbread Day and The Presentation of the Virgin Mary Day.

Yee haw. Crackle crunch.

I Cussed Out Loud

2011-11-18T00:16:00.003-06:00

For 99.9% of the night, it was pretty good. Things went well. Nobody got stupid. Count cleared on time for the first time in three days.

Mainline went amazingly fast. The inmates weren't lingering on the walk and came into the chow hall so fast that the staff inside had to shoo them out so others could find a seat. We fed all of B-side in under an hour from start to finish.

The only real downer was that Meanie developed a migraine and we were too short to let him go home. He sat in the shack in the corner most of the night with his eyes closed and only came out to smoke and when we needed him for something. I gave him the lone Tylenol I had in my lunchbox but it didn't help any.

Poor lil' guy....

All week they have had me scheduled to work the library on Friday.

It's not a bad gig. Very little work involved. Let 45 of them in and shoo the rest away. Then sit and read a book for a couple of hours. Drink some coffee and chat with either of the librarians, both of whom are very nice ladies. When it gets done chase them all out and lock up.

Simple and easy. A great way to end the week.

Well, that didn't last. Some time between this afternoon and this evening they moved me from the library to laundry. And when I saw that I cussed out loud. Repeatedly.

Obviously, I wasn't pleased about working the laundry.

For one thing I haven't been down there in close to seven years or more. Don't have the slightest idea what to do down there. Don't remember how and when they count or when to make releases or anything.

For another thing it's hot and nasty down there and the place is full of lint and it makes my sinuses go crazy.

So I'll be clueless and sneezing in a huge warehouse of a building with over a hundred inmates and three or four square staff and really really cranky all night long. Instead of having polite conversation over tea and scones in the library like I had planned. Pfui.

I was still grumbling about it on our way out to the parking lot with Sgt Uncle T. As he got into the car with Miz T he said "Well, I'm off to enjoy my five day weekend! You have fun down in laundry tomorrow!"

Without any conscious thought, my mouth flew open and I said "Aw, frack you!"

Well, I didn't exactly say "frack" but you get the idea.

I think I shocked poor Miz T. I think most of her opinion of me comes from this blog. And maybe some of the outrageous fibs her husband tells her abut me. It was the first time she actually hear me cuss and I felt bad about it. I should have just leaned in and flicked him on the end of the nose or something.

So, Miz T, I apologize for being a potty mouth. But that husband of yours knows how to push my buttons sometimes. One of us is obviously not beating him enough. I'm going to start carrying a rolled up newspaper when I'm on the yard to keep him in line.

Unless I can induce some poor soul to trade me places I'm going to be cranky all day tomorrow.

Rats.

Friday is going to be Occult Day, Married To A Scorpio Support Day, Push Button Telephone Day, Mickey Mouse Day, National Vichyssoise Day, and Dedication of the Basilica of St Peter Day.

I've been trying to throw in a "Saint A Day". There's bazillions of them, after all.

Sgt Puddle Saves The Day

2011-11-16T23:35:00.002-06:00

Hmmm.... That kinda sounds like the title of a children's book.

Also by the same author:
Sgt Puddle and the Mysterious Red Patches
Sgt Puddle and the Pink Ping Pong Ball Mystery
Sgt Puddle Goes to the Chiropractor
Sgt Puddle Does Jello Shots
Sgt Puddle and the Control Center Monster Hunting Club

Hee hee hee! Anyway...

We had another one of those bad counts today. Nobody could figure it out. The discrepancy was somewhere between 4 house, 6 house and education. They'd counted education three times before giving up.

And Captain CJ was smoking mad. Hot hot hot like one of those foil thingies of Jiffy Pop fixin' to bust open everywhere. She decided to send everybody back and do a name and number count.

Then Sgt Puddle got an idea. He had them write down the names and numbers of the 4 and 6 house offenders at education. Then he had 4 and 6 house write down the names of those that came back into the houses from there.

Only one discrepancy. Our culprit. Apparently he was also the little guttersnipe that fouled up count yesterday but nobody caught him. Standing with 6 house when he belonged in 4 house for all three counts. Busted!

By Jiminy Crickets we'll know where he belongs for the next count! In the Hive for a good long stretch.

He's lucky Captain CJ didn't strip all of his skin off before she sent him down there. That woman has a wicked tongue on her when she's in a mood.

I know. I've been on the receiving end of one of her tirades before. Yowch!

Once again, I was so glad I wasn't up there on the desk tonight. I just stayed in the comm room all by myself, stress free for a change.

Before I went inside today Lil' B came up and asked me if I wanted to give up my Saturday/Sunday job for a Monday/Tuesday job down in the Hive.

I said I'd think about it.

Bwahahahahahaha......!

Ummm..... No. Sorry but... No.

So Thursday is going to be Take A Hike Day. I'll be doing that along the Del Norte fence. It will also be Guinness World Record Day, Homemade Bread Day, the Great American Smokeout, National Baklava Day and Saint Elisabeth of Hungary Day.

Who will get the record for smoking the most homemade bread?

Another 3 Count Night

2011-11-16T00:36:00.003-06:00

Three! Three counts! Ah-ah-awww.... snap. At least I wasn't in the control center for this bit of silliness. I actually made it out to 30 yard where I was supposed to be.

And after last night I squelched any curiosity I had about what went wrong and never even called anybody to find out.

As long as it finally cleared and nobody had escaped, I didn't want to know.

But they did make me walk that dang mile-long inner perimeter check three times, the evil swine.

Being as how the 30 yard shack has no power at all I was forced to go to 30 house to heat up my dinner and make a pot of coffee and got repeatedly trapped by the Mighty Sore and had to listen to his interminable stories.

The man has been everywhere and done everything and been richer than Queen Isabella and heartily satisfied every single woman north of the equator, all the while checking his Nordic good looks in the mirror.

I do say he tends to make me feel rather sub-par and ill-contented with both my life and my intelligence.

But I bore the brunt of his attacks on my less than stellar life with aplomb and let him regale with tales of his daring-do because I got to sit down and rest my tired feet in between the microwave and the coffee pot.

That was an equitable trade for the assault on my ears. They are still stinging a bit, but it will fade.

We survived.

Wednesday is going to be Button Day. It doesn't specify between a shirt button and a push button. I guess it's up to you. It will also be National Fast Food Day, International Day For Tolerance, Prematurity Awareness Day (but that might be a day early) and the Day of Saint Gertrude.

Don't get too crazy with it.....

It Wasn't Funny The First Time!

2011-11-14T23:49:00.003-06:00

When I left Friday they had me scheduled to work 30 yard. Okay. Small shack. Lots of walking. Huge inner perimeter check. Ah, what the snap. No big deal.

Checked the weather this morning and they said 60% chance of rain all day.

Lovely. Okay. I brought my raincoat.

Got to work and they said we would be under a tornado watch until 10:00pm.

Niiice. Great. Just freaking great.

Then Lt Chipmunk (who was on the books) said "Hey Rev! Would you work the control center tonight? Vinnie called out!"

What? Stay inside and dry and warm all night and out of the any potential tornadoes? Well, yeah. I mean if you really need me to, I guess I could do that.

Sgt Puddle was finally back from being marooned on a desert island for ten years (seemingly, anyway) and Miz Twang was going to be up there, too. Heck yeah! I went on up and started to check the numbers and get things ready.

Miz Twang came in sounding all sickly and squeaky like she'd swallowed a toy saxophone and it stuck in her throat so I knew she wouldn't want to be on the phones and the radio all night long. My immediate reaction was to take her home on a mission of mercy and feed her chicken soup and pop her in a hot bath until she felt better. But if I did that I'd need to bring The Watcher along too since he was in the same state.

Since my bathtub isn't big enough for both of them the best I could do was to take the desk and the counts and the radios and take the burden off the best I could.

I really need a bigger bathtub.

Anyway, since it was a Monday and no transfers I figured it would be a pretty easy day.

Yeah. Well, that didn't work out so much.

Right after shift change some caseworker on her way home called and said she saw a guy walking down the road wearing gray pants who kinda looked like he might be an inmate.

Really? Okay. Close the yards. Close the wings. Stop all movement and call for a count half an hour earlier than usual.

That threw everyone into a tizzy. We had inmates scattered everywhere all over the camp. And of course my phone immediately started ringing. "What's going on? Did you just call count? Why?" To which I replied "We are counting. Yes, I did. And because I was told to."

That was all I had time to say because all the rest of the lines were lighting up.

We got two miscounts. Only two. One house on one side was down one and a house on the other side was up one.

Oh snap. Did they move somebody and not tell the control center? Snap, I hope not! Count 'em again, please!

Finally got that one cleared up and went back to normal operations. Of course it threw our whole routine off and we had to improvise but we got all the feeding done in time to make a recreation movement at 6:00pm.

I thought we were going to be safe after that. Then the phone rang again.

Some Sergeant from another prison down the road called and said she saw a guy wearing gray pants walking down the road. And when she turned back to look he took off and disappeared.

Really? Again? This aint funny anymore.

Start calling people again. Hold all movement. Clear the yards. Count them in place.

Count them in medical? Yes.

Count them in the library? Yes.

Count them in A and B rec? Yes.

Count them in A-visit during their AA and NA meetings? Yes.

My count sheet didn't have places for all of those places so I had to improvise with white out and drawing extra lines. When I was done it looked like something Arlo Guthrie would put in one of his songs.

And of course the phone rang nonstop with the same questions. They got pretty much the same answers as before.

I think the top of my head was steaming by the time I got done adding all of those numbers up and I think at one point I was holding about twenty different writing utensils in one hand at the same time while holding the phone to my ear with my shoulder and running the adding machine with the other hand.

I really do suspect that being out in that tiny shack in a tornado would have made for an easier night.

Luckily for all of us and my sanity that count cleared. And we didn't have any more silliness. The 10:00pm count was on time and without any errors.

If it wasn't for Miz Twang and Sgt Puddle helping out on the phones and The Watcher braving the elements to bring me some much needed coffee I don't think I would have made it at all. You guys are truly the best. Even if you're a little croupy and squeaky at times.

I'm scheduled to be on 30 yard again tomorrow. And I don't think the weather outlook has changed any.

In the meantime I need to restock my supply of Tylenol and tums in my lunchbox, I believe.

Tuesday is going to be National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day, National Raisin Bran Cereal Day, America Recycles Day, I love To Write Day and National Bundt Cake day.

When is National Lucky Charms Day, anyway?

The Anticipation Is Making Me Crazy(er)

2011-11-12T00:33:00.003-06:00

Every day, sometimes several times a day someone asks "Did you get a letter yet?"

Nobody can say for sure if they have sent them out or not or when they will. And every day I go out and get the mail with a little knot of anxiety in the pit of my stomach.

I'd like to promote... I think. I suspect that I would be at least competent at it and at best I might just keep someone from getting hurt. The worst thing that could happen is someone will say "Hey, you really suck at this, dude."

I just want them to send out the dang letters so I'll know if I get an interview and then get the interview over with.

After that, waiting for their decision will be a cake walk. That will be the easy part. I know I'll be up against some stiff competition. The Watcher and Abel and Stubby and T. Wayne and Miz Havoc on days. More of them I can't think of right at the moment. Plus anybody that might try to transfer from another camp. I don't really look at them as "competition". I look at them (the ones from here, anyway) as friends who are trying to promote at the same time as I am.

Personally I hope they all make it and I will be happy if and when they do.

I just want to get the preliminaries over with. It's making me crazy.

Here's the weekend lineup:
Saturday: National Pizza With The Works Except Anchovies Day, National Gaming Day and National Domino Day.

Sunday: National Indian Pudding Day, International Tongue Twister Day and World Kindness Day.

Monday: Operation Room Nurse Day, Loosen Up And Lighten Up Day, National American Teddy Bear Day, National Girls Day and National Guacamole Day.

Hmm... Girls, teddy bears and guacamole? Sounds like fun!

Good Advice

2011-11-11T00:10:00.002-06:00

Since I decided to put myself on the Sergeants register I have been getting alot of advice.

Some good. Some bad. All of it seemingly well meaning.

Read this. Study that. Learn this and memorize that. Read this policy and that SOP. Remember the use of force continuum and learn our Mission Statement.

I've read policy until it's running out of my ears and now it all sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher. "Wah-wha-wa-wa-Wah?" It's all a moosh in my head.

Tonight Sgt Uncle T gave me some of the best advice I've had so far.

"Just relax!" He said. "Don't get all nervous! Those people on the promotion board are the same ones you sat down with in the chow hall last week and made dirty jokes about the mashed potatoes! There's no difference. Be yourself and relax. You'll do fine."

And that is some dang good advice.

Of all of the people that might be on the promotion board the only one I don't know is our new Major. I think I've spoken maybe a dozen words to him since he took over.

It's not that I'm scared of him or avoiding him.

I just haven't gotten into any trouble with him yet and so I haven't had a reason to go in there.

It'll happen.

Sgt Uncle T and I spent alot of time outside the shack tonight standing in the blistering cold wind watching the frost form on the yard. He gave me quite a bit of good Sergeanty advice. There was too much chattering going on inside the shack so we braved the cold and stood outside. It was considerably chillier, but much quieter where we were.

He said "Always back up your people. Don't be afraid to fight for them."

And "Be able to make a call. Decide. Nobody else is going to."

And "Learn something about the people who work for you. Find out their likes and dislikes. If they think you think the same way as they do, they will do anything for you. And it helps pass the time when nothing's happening."

I may have paraphrased a little with some of that. I'm sure I'll hear about it. But hey, my brain is just now thawing out.

If the strangest thing happens and I do get promoted, I will try to stay pretty much the way I am. But I will try to be at least as good a supervisor as Uncle T is. I'm going to use him as an example.

And if that statement just blew my chances for promotion, then they didn't want me that bad in the first place.

So! Now that I have actually managed to write something, on with what you really came here for. Tomorrows list of celebrations.

Friday is going to be (besides 11-11-11) Air Day, Death/Duty Day, Veterans Day and National Sundae Day.

A Sundae on a Friday? Who'd a thunk it?

Writers Block

2011-11-09T23:49:00.003-06:00

And I have it bad. Been sitting here for almost half an hour and not a single thing has come to mind.

Rats.

Thursday will be Hopefully Something Interesting Happens Day. I just made that one up.
It will also be Forget-Me-Not Day, Area Code Day, Marine Corps Birthday and Sesame Street Day.

Unleash the hounds!

Well, Snap!

2011-11-09T09:16:00.004-06:00

Grumble grumble grumble.....

I had a jim dandy post here about The Worlds Most Worthless Raincoat, which is standard issue for all of us here at Raccoon City.

But the storms knocked out my internet connection before I could post it. I waited and waited, hoping it would come back up but it didn't.

So I thought "Hey, I'll just leave the page up and post it in the morning!"

Wrong! My computer decided to update and restart itself sometime during the night. So all of my spontaneous genius was wiped away like dust on a chalkboard.

Stupid internet.

Somewhat fittingly, today is Chaos Never Dies Day.

Rock the frack on.

And I'm sure you'll all join me in mourning the passing of Bil Keane, who started the comic strip "Family Circus" back in 1960. He passed away this morning of congestive heart failure.

We'll all miss you, Bil!

Playin' The Game

2011-11-07T23:52:00.002-06:00

For once we had extra people on B-yard. Usually A side gets all the cream and it's just me and Sausage out there.

We grumble, but we don't really take it personally.

Besides, everybody knows that Sgt Uncle Buck gets all nervous and weepy if he doesn't have an entourage on the yard. He wasn't here tonight so we made out like bandits.

So tonight we actually had enough people to cover all of the yard. So many, in fact, that Sgt Uncle T occasionally lost track of who was where. It was understandable. Where usually we just have a 70 and a 71, tonight we had 70 (G), 71 (St Francis), 72 (Yours Truly), 73 (New Guy) and 73 alpha (Mr Coffee).

Of course Mr Coffee spent most of the night following his cup around and went from one coffee pot to another. He was there when we needed him, but when we didn't he was off seeking the eternal buzz.

The rest of us sat down underneath the pavilion between movements and played the Rock Band Name Game. The way we played tonight, we started with A. When someone dropped out we went on to B.

At one point Uncle T and I got left alone for awhile and we battled on with B's for over an hour. And band, any musician or entertainer; from Billy Ray Cyrus to Beethoven to Bon Jovi and Bonn Scott, Beatles, Buddy Holly and Benny Goodman.

They called a code 16 down in 9 house for chest pains and we jumped on the cart, still playing. On the way we picked up the Captain and we were still playing. he was sitting on the back of the cart looking at us like "What the snap?" And while we were standing in the day room while the nurse took this guys vital signs I'd say "Benjamin Taylor."

He'd say "Ooh! BB King!"

"Billy Idol."

"Billie Holliday!"

I think the Cap was glad to get rid of us, since he had no idea what was going on. From the look on his face, he thought we were weird.

We made it as far as the G's later on that night and everybody finally gave up in despair. Then we started up with N again later and played that one to death.

And even with all that we still managed to get our work done.

It was a good night.

Tuesday is going to be Dunce Day, Aid and Abet Punsters Day, Cook Something Bold and Pungent Day, Election Day and X-Ray Day.

Punsters! Yeah!

They Are Getting Pushy

2011-11-05T00:00:00.003-05:00

The rumor mill has it that they sent out letters for Sergeants interviews today.

Don't know if it's true. And if it is, I don't know I'll get one. Just wait and see, I guess.

The Lt on the books is getting kind of pushy about me studying up for the interview. I looked at the chrono for next week and all of my utility days are front desk, mail run, etc. All places that leave me with time on my hands. So why not study up a little? Yeah.

I'm tired of this stuff already. Just want to get it over with so I can go back to being me again.

And to top it off I had a crummy day. Kept dropping things in the comm room and almost everybody that came to the window had a bad attitude. Brother D kept me from snapping on a few of them. He always has a calming effect on me up there.

So I think I'll just do the weekend calendar and try to sleep this day off. Except for a couple of bright spots, this one wasn't worth keeping.

Saturday: Gunpowder Day (make things go boom!) and Sadie Hawkins Day.

Sunday: Saxophone Day and Marooned Without A Compass Day (I'd rather be marooned without a saxophone), Daylight Savings Time Ends Day and Zero Tasking Day.

Monday: National Bittersweet Chocolate With Almonds Day (At least it's not coconut) and Job Action Day.

And if you can explain that you are officially much smarter than me.

Training Glitch

2011-11-04T00:17:00.003-05:00

Well, it seems we have hit a snag in our training schedule.

When I first started with the department we had yearly training that took an entire week. We got all of the 40 hours required in one week and we were good for the rest of the year.

They told us we were the "Highest trained and poorest paid CO's in the country."

I believed the second part, but not the first.

Then about three years ago they stopped doing that and our training dropped from five days to three and then down to two. We did Defensive Tactics and Weapons and nothing else.

Not sure exactly why they did that. They just did it. We all just shrugged our shoulders and said "Okey-dokey" and went back to work and didn't think about it any more.

Now all of the sudden they are telling us we have to have our required 40 hours of training every year or there will be "consequences". And that it is entirely our responsibility to make up those extra hours before the end of the year.

Let's see... I have been waiting to get Field Training Officer training for over two years now. I am "on the list" or so I'm told. I've been trying to get them to give us some training for this "Fire Brigade" or "Institutional Search and Rescue Squad" thing that I volunteered to do for well over a year. And just last month I applied for "Trainer Skills For Trainers" and got turned down.

But none of that really counts.

So now that it's coming down to the wire they have decided that we can go to some national corrections officers website and take some online courses to make up the deficit. We can do some of it at work as long as it doesn't interfere with our work. Or we can do it at home but we won't get any extra comp time for it.

What to do.... What to do... I can try to do it at work but the chances of being alone on a computer for an hour and not have to jump up and do something else in the middle are slim. Or I can sacrifice an hour here and there and lounge around in my PJ's at home and even play music or stop and watch a teevee show in the middle if I like.

I guess the choice is simple. And Model A gave me a good idea tonight. Rather than take two eight hour classes and send in two completion certificates, I think I'll take sixteen one hour classes and send each one in a different envelope just to be difficult.

If they want to take up my time, I'll just take up some of theirs. So there!

Friday (yay! Friday!) is going to be Waiting For The Barbarians Day. I won't have to wait long, I'm sure. It will also be Use Your Common Sense Day.

Yeah, right. Like that's gonna happen.

It Was A Freaking Joke!

2011-11-02T23:35:00.003-05:00

We have a bulletin board right across the hall from the comm room. It has a couple items of the usual official party line stuff and some "official" claptrap stuck to it here and there.

But for the most part this is where you advertise if you have something for sale. Almost everybody in the institution passes by that bulletin board at least twice a day, so if you want to get rid of something, that's the place to post it.

I've seen houses, apartments, boats, trailers, trucks, cars, motorcycles, scooters, guns, bows, dogs, cats, cattle, llamas, ducks and even once a snake.

And one edge of the board is covered with business cards. Most of them are side businesses of people working at the prison or relatives of people working at the prison. Once again, you can find almost anything from roofing to cakes to home made laundry soap, DJ services, widow washing and holistic massage. We are a versatile and eclectic bunch.

Being me and getting bored easily, I occasionally come up with odd ideas for things to put up on the bulletin board. Not that I'm trying to sell anything or have any particular agenda to put across. I just like making people either smile or scratch their heads and say "What?"

This morning I had an idea come to fruition in that steampunk junkyard I call my brain. I got online and found the picture of the howitzer up there and made up a flyer advertising it for sale. I even put down the specs. It's 155 mm and weighs 9,000 pounds. It can fire 2 rounds per minute and has an effective range of 15-40 miles.

At first I thought my punchline would be the price. I put down "Asking $2,000,000 OBO."

But then another thought struck me and I added "Willing to trade for light truck and washing machine." To me, it was freaking hilarious.

So I stuck it up on the bulletin board and waited to hear a few laughs. That was all I was after. Really.

And I got a few.

Then some people came by and thought it was serious. Some woman (I don't really remember who it was) was complaining "Why would anybody need something like that? Nobody should have one of those! Why are they trying to sell that here?"

I just stood there with my face hanging open and said "Really?"

And then a few more people came by and took it seriously.

I was left pacing the comm room and slapping my head going "Ay-yi-yi!"

I always said "If they ever locked up a rocket scientist I'd fall over backwards."

Today I was saying "If they ever hired a rocket scientist I'd just fall over dead of amazement."

I swear, these people could frack up a knock-knock joke.

On with the calendar. Thursday is going to be Sandwich Day and Housewife's Day. Mmmm... Housewife sandwich... It's also going to be Cliche Day and National Men Make Dinner Day.

I'll gladly burn some water for dinner.

Study Time

2011-11-01T23:51:00.003-05:00

Ah, the front desk. An hour of busywork then six hours of nothing, then another hour of busywork.

I really earned my state nickle tonight.

When I came in this afternoon Lt Sienna said "Rev, you're on the front desk. That way you can stay up here and study."

Oh snap. Policy and procedure time. He's another one of those who is pushing for me to promote. Not exactly sure why. Maybe they're all thinking "Well, doing it the old fashioned way isn't working. Let's put this lunatic in charge and see what happens! If nothing else, it will be worth a laugh."

So I stayed at the front desk and did very little other than the relentless slaughter of innocent trees as I printed out policy to pore over, hoping (perhaps vainly) that I can at least appear competent when it comes to the promotion interview.

The funny thing was, when I first came in one of the Assistant Wardens was outside talking about how he wished he had never promoted and how the extra money wasn't really worth it. He came real close to talking me back out of it again. I think if Sgt Miz P had been out there listening she would have thumped him squarely on the head.

And being the contrary type that I am, an hour or so later I was out front trying to talk Vinnie into getting on the register as well. He looked at me in shock and asked "Why would you wish a thing like that on me?" I shrugged and smiled and replied Because... misery loves company?"

He still wouldn't fall for it. Smarter than I am, he is.

Almost every day someone suggests something else I should look at and brush up on. I am now the proud owner of a pile of department policy, procedure and SOP's that is so tall it could be used as a pair of jack stands in an emergency.

I just hope that when the time comes it doesn't all blur together into one big mush and come out as incomprehensible babbling.

We shall see, I suppose.

I might not even get a letter for an interview. That would almost be a relief in a way.

I know one Sergeant that interviewed about forty times before he got promoted. I'm not going to be that dogged about it. Interviews make me nervous.

Heck, just thinking about interviewing makes me nervous. Having Vinnie in the room here while I'm writing is making me nervous. That's a first for me. Never had anybody here watching me blog before.

And I think I'll just stop right there. Too many weird pictures just popped into my head.

Wednesday is going to be National Deviled Egg Day. Sweet! I love those things. It will also be Cookie Monster Day and All Souls Day.

Deviled eggs and All Souls? Sounds like a messed up combination. Better have a cookie instead.

I Think We Made Him Nervous

2011-10-31T23:32:00.002-05:00

They stuck me up in the control center again tonight. I guess it's good. I still need the experience. The place is becoming less scary to me now that I've been up there a few times.

And there's a chance that I'll get to do at least a six month stint up there. Poor Stubby is going out for some major back surgery and he might be out at least three months if he gets to come back at all. I am thinking about putting in a memo to the Major to take his spot until he returns.

Just thinking about it. I haven't made up my mind just yet.

Though it probably would do my bones some good to spend the winter indoors where it's warm.

I dunno.

Anyway, it was Vinnie and I and a fairly new Sergeant that I nicknamed "Nerves" for now. He'd only worked up there a time or two before and knew very little. Just how to run the panels and the doors and phones and such. I told him that we would take care of him.

I checked him out. Young guy. Kinda pretty. With one of those skater boy haircuts. Looked like he should be coaching volleyball or something. And he looked nervous. Hence the nickname.

Sgt Nerves had never been around either Vinnie or I vary much before. And never the two of us together. The two of us together are one dangerously bad joke machine. Like a badly made robot constructed of chain saws and rubber dog poop careening out of control through your living room, heading for the china cabinet.

At times he just sat there in his chair, his eyes moving back and forth between us like he was watching a tennis match as we did our jobs and kept up a steady stream of horrible jokes and gut wrenching puns. And his face had this rictus of a grin like he was inwardly screaming "What the snap did I do to deserve this? And who are these crazed maniacs?"

And of course that look on his face did little more than spur us on like wolves spotting a wounded gazelle.

He loosened up after awhile when it finally dawned on him that we were yanking his chain. And once he loosened up we relented a little and let him breathe again. By the time we left he was almost back to normal.

But I'll bet he felt like he'd been sandpapered all over and part of his brain was probably still curled in a fetal position sucking it's thumb and whimpering.

It was a cruel thing to do, but in the end he'll be the better man for it. Anything the inmates can dish out will seem like child's play after that.

It was a good day.

Tuesday they have me scheduled for the front desk again. Ah well. And on such a day as Plan Your Epitaph Day. It will also be the beginning of National Fig Week, All Saints Day, National Authors Day and Go Cook For Your Pets Day.

It's a Bacchanalia!

He Didn't Run Away

2011-10-28T23:54:00.004-05:00

One of my favorite movies of all time, probably second only to "Resident Evil" is "The 13th Warrior." It's one of those movies I have to watch at least once a year.

If you haven't seen it, it's the story of Ahmed ibn Fahdlan, a soft and spoiled Arab poet who is banished from his home by the Sultan and made an emissary to the wild men of the north; the vikings.

He goes on a quest with twelve vikings to rid the land of a great evil and Ahmed learns to be a warrior in the process.

After his first battle ever they find him knocked cold on the floor and one of the vikings remarks "Well, he didn't run!"

The same thing can be said about The Kid. He saw a fight in his wing and he called it on the radio and actually stayed put and pepper sprayed both fighters. And he didn't run.

I have to give him kudos for that. He didn't run.

I heard a rumor that he didn't because Sgt Moon was standing in between him and the exit, but that's unconfirmed.

Hopefully this new found courage doesn't go to his head.

I had some other things to say but I think I'll just shut up now and give you the lineup for the weekend before I get myself into trouble.

Saturday: Hermit Day, Internet Day, National Cat Day, National Forgiveness Day and Visit A Cemetery Day. Don't think I'm ready for that, just yet.

Sunday: National Candy Corn Day (Yay! Candy corn! Yum!), Checklist Day and Haunted Refrigerator Day. Really?

Monday: Halloween, of course. As well as National Magic Day and Increase Your Psychic Powers Day, Beggars Night, National Knock-Knock Jokes Day and Samhain. Man! Don't you just love Wikipedia?

Fanatics

2011-10-28T00:18:00.003-05:00

I've never really been all that much of a sports fan. It just never grabbed me like it does some people.

Oh sure, I watch a little football now and then. I love it when they play outdoors in bad weather especially. When you hit a guy and he goes "splat!" and slides twenty feet through the mud before he stops and everybody is tackling their team mates because they are so muddy you can't tell one from another. To me, that's football.

But I can't tell you who played for what team in 1909 and what his stats were and all of that nonsense. Or who won the World Series in 1893 when Portugal played against Athens.

Or was it 1894? I forget.

At any rate, I like to watch a good game now and then when I can get away with it. But once it's over, I delete it from my memory and get on with my life. I don't let it be the lynch pin around which everything else rotates.

I remember my grandparents had a long running argument about a boxing match that went on for years. I can't remember if it was Max Schmeling or Jersey Joe Walcott that would get them going. But if I was ever in trouble all I had to do was mention one of those names and they would start screaming at each other for hours and I had a chance to slip away.

Right now everybody is wrapped up in the World Series. And of course now that it's gone to game seven we will have to put up with one more night of this craziness.

We should just shut the place down from 7:05pm central time, because nobody is doing anything until the dang game is over.

Several times during the evening I was startled by screams of rage or shouts of joy coming from the housing units. I hadn't even been aware the game was on until I was part way around the perimeter doing my Del Norte walk. Suddenly I heard these whoops and cheers coming from 1 and 2 house. I had no idea what was going on. Then the guy at rec got on his PA system and said "Cards lead one to nothing."

Of course we no longer have a radio out in the shack so everybody (everybody but me) kept finding excuses to run here and there to check the score.

Sgt Uncle T kept messing with peoples heads. He'd walk into Central and say "The Rangers won it! 10-6!" And they would all jump up and say "NO! No way! Where did you hear that?" He'd just walk away laughing.

It was still going on as we were leaving work. We looked over and Miz T was parked there waiting and there was some guy standing at her window. I said "Hey! Some dude is over there flirting with your wife!"

Turns out she had the game on and he stopped on his way in to check the score. I can't remember who it was. Some guy on midnights who looks like a retired porn star. She claimed he was just listening to the score. But I don't know..... (grin)

A few minutes later there were five or six of us gathered around the open doors listening to the game. If it had gone on much longer I'm sure a spontaneous tail gate party would have erupted.

And on the way home I did something I have never done before. I turned on the radio and listened to the end of the game. It ended just as I pulled into my driveway.

So we get to do it all again tomorrow. **sigh** It will be difficult if not impossible to get anybody to do anything except on commercial breaks. And I am sure all of the housing unit officers will be doing extended "cell searches" during the game.

Then it will be all over until the football playoff games start up again.

Then hockey.

Then basketball.

The it will be baseball season again!

Yay! **sigh**

Thursday is going to be Plush Animal Lover's Day and National Chocolate Day. Hmm... sounds like a sticky combination. It will also be St Jude's Day, Frankenstein Friday (?), International Bandanna Day and National Bread Sticks Day.

Really. Bread Sticks?

This Is How It Starts....

2011-10-27T00:01:00.002-05:00

Okay, I'm going to slip back into my old Resident Evil theme here for at least one post.

If you haven't seen any of the movies, then you might not get it.

I'm just saying....

So the Watcher came up to the Comm Room and said he needed the keys for the Employee Health Nurses office. Transportation had brought in a box of flu shots for our nurse and they needed to be refrigerated so they needed the keys.

My first thought was "I don't have those keys up here."

Turns out I was right. But we spent a good hour digging through the key rings and the books and lists of the key rings and trying this and that and getting pretty pissed off. After digging through all the key rings I said "This key is one of those hidden secrets, passed down father to son. You have to be initiated into the Lodge before you can know which keys you need."

I was kind of right about that, too.

After a fruitless search I had an idea. There's a fridge with a lock on it down the hall. They use it for samples that need to be stored. If they take blood or urine for testing and can't send it out right away, they lock it in that fridge. Why not put it there?

I thought it was a grand idea. So we did it. Then later someone didn't like the idea anymore so they put it in the fridge in the comm room.

I just thought "Oh what the snap."

Then a little while later it hit me.

A box of live flu virus vaccine.

It was in the fridge where we store blood and urine samples.

Now it's in the fridge where we put our food.

Oh snap.

This is how it starts..... This is how it always starts....

We are going to be hip deep in zombies inside of a week. All because of some Secret Squirrel bullsnap with the keys.

I am never putting my food in there again.

Thursday is going to be cold and bliskery and I'll be out on the yard, of course. I'll have to bring lots of coffee and hot cocoa.

It's also going to be Sylvia Plath Day, Cranky Co-Workers Day (because they got turned into zombies, duh!) and Navy Day.

Braaaiiinnnnsss....

Vaguely Helpful

2011-10-26T00:16:00.003-05:00

That's what I get for coming in early and being visible. Somebody called out at the last minute from the sex offender treatment house and so I got sent over there.

Not my favorite bunch of inmates or my favorite place to work.

Since our camp has the biggest sex offender treatment center in the state, almost all of them come through at least once during their incarceration. And working in that house just kind of rubs your nose in it a little. I have to try hard to keep the curl out of my lip when I go there, which thankfully, isn't too often.

I have issues.

Mostly I stayed down by the bubble and kept Big Mac entertained. He's a good guy and has been around since the early 90's and knew my wife when they were both just kids so he's kind of like hanging out with family. Well, the nicer part of the family, anyway.

Miz H and Miz S had an OJT to tend to so they let him do a majority of the running around, which was nice. Every time I volunteered to do anything they already had him taking care of it.

Then new people got to be good for something!

I helped Big Mac design some forms on the computer and set him up a file to save them in just in case he needed them again. The man could kill a flea with a crossbow at nine million yards but didn't have a clue that "Undo" is much better than deleting everything and starting over again.

To thank me for my help he tried to sell me a crossbow and a couple of extra shotguns he had laying around the house unused.

I think I may be the only person on this camp who doesn't own a different firearm for every day of the week. Sometimes I'm surprised the streets outside don't look like a rerun of "Mad Max".

This would be a very bad area to be a zombie in.

I'm just saying....

So Wednesday is going to be Mule Day, Diwali and the Perigean Spring Tides Day.

Just a great day for odd holidays, it seems.

Something Different

2011-10-24T23:43:00.003-05:00

I thought I'd post something different today. I found this site a few weeks ago and I know several people who might be keenly interested.

Like the logo says, it's called Holy Smoke. It's a service that was thought up by a couple of game wardens in Alabama. A couple of hard core outdoorsmen with an ironic twist to their sense of humor.

It seems for starting around $800.00, they will load cremated ashes of you or your loved one into rifle or shotgun shells (I'm assuming mixed in with the shot and the powder) so you can go to your final sendoff with a real bang.

Okay, that was bad, I know. But it was there. I had to use it.

I can think of several people right offhand who would love to have this as their last hurrah. As a matter of fact, I can think of maybe a dozen people who, after reading this will saying "Babe! I'm changing my will!"

Heck, if they could think of a way to make cremains into arrow shafts I think they could get almost the entire place to sign up. I'll have to suggest that...

But as far as my night on the front desk went, I got nothing. I mean, I spent most of the night as an extra in the control center with Vinnie and Miz Twang and Sgt Loompa. Didn't really do much. I actually volunteered to do things just so I would have something to do.

Aside from almost choking to death while eating a pear (that's pear, not pair) once or twice.... I got nothing.

Tuesday (on the bench, could be anywhere) is going to be Punk For A Day Day. Oh, that is so not cool. Not in orison, anyway. It's also going to be Sourest Day (as opposed to Sweetest Day, I assume?) and the XTERRA World Championships.

Don't forget to clean your muzzle afterwards!

A Different Perspective

2011-10-22T00:00:00.002-05:00

They had me down in Sallyport 3 tonight. You couldn't give me that job with twice the pension and a gold watch.

Booooring!

I spent four hours driving around in circles in the P-car and four hours alternately sitting in that smelly shack reading a book and walking around and around and around and around the sallyport.

The only difference with doing that half of the P-car circuit is there are more critters down at that end. I counted fifteen deer (mostly does, one or two young bucks) out in the field and some even up by the road.

There was one fat something eating acorns off the road for awhile. A woodchuck or a groundhog or a marmot or an ibex or something. Whatever it was it was fuzzy and rotund and if it had come inside the fence somebody probably would have promoted it.

At one point I stopped and checked out four or five deer up under the trees eating. I saw some movement out of the corner of my eye and saw, not ten feet away behind a tree, this small black cat watching the deer.

It was all crouched down behind the tree roots and had that tail just twitching back and forth like it was trying to figure out which one of those deer it was going to eat. I just had to laugh.

When I came back around again the cat was across the road behind the fence and still watching the deer but from a much safer distance. It had this look in it's eyes like "Man! Those things are bigger than I thought! Maybe I'll wait here for a smaller one to come by."

Sitting in the car with my duty belt on has got my back hurting. Took my pain and sleepytime drugs.

Here's the weekend lineup before my brains turn to moosh.

Saturday:National Nut Day, International Stuttering Awareness Day (leave it alone!), CAPS LOCK DAY and Make A Difference Day.

Sunday: National Mole Day, Ipod Day and Mother In Law Day.

Monday: National Bologna Day, United Nations Day and National Mole Day.

Quote of the week:
"They say I'm worth 3.4 million dollars. If I really had all that money
I wouldn't have visited Vietnam. I'd have sent for it."
-Bob Hope

Escape From The Noise

2011-10-20T23:56:00.003-05:00

I though last night was bad enough. Sore, who is on light duty, decided to camp at the front desk, rather than over in the Admin building by himself. The man has a pathological need to chatter to anyone and everyone about any subject.

He's also another one of those "Experts" I talked about a little while ago. Anything you have done or even thought about doing, he's already done. Better and longer and made more money at it than you would ever dream of. He's been a millionaire many times over.

And there must have been a conga line of women dancing in and out of his bedroom for many many years. If he'd notched his bedpost, it would be nothing but splinters right now.

He waits like a trapdoor spider and will leap out of his lair and pounce on the unsuspecting victim and proceed to talk them into submission.

I stayed in the Comm room until my bladder was going to burst then rushed past him and shouted "Gotta pee!" to escape his clutches. Then the rotten swine would wait outside the bathroom until I came back out and begin his chattering. He'd always preface his stories by saying "You'll enjoy this....."

I never do.

And then tonight, even though my ears were still stinging from being batter by Sore, I had to be out on the yard with both Sausage and Gray Ham, both of whom are pathological chatterers. Between the two of them I'm surprised the shack didn't explode or just crumble to dust from the incessant noise.

Sgt Uncle T and I spent a good part of our evening and quite a bit of energy ditching them like dorky little brothers so we wouldn't have to listen to it. Even though it was warm and cozy in the shack I would go outside in the wind and chill, ostensibly to smoke, just to get away. And those two rotten turds would follow me out into the cold because they were tired of listening to each other and chatter at me from both sides. Egad.

Finally we had enough and Uncle T and I got onto the cart and spent the evening taking care of certain "details" and doing "security checks" in order to keep away from the shack. We could have been warm and cozy in the shack, but we both would rather have been outside and freezing cold.

At least it was quiet out there.

And we could have a quiet conversation without somebody interrupting by singing old show tunes or talking about what movies John Wayne had bit parts in when he was three and his buddy in Germany who is apparently a nuclear physicist in his spare time who invented an automatic rocket belt that would bring him beautiful nekkid women regularly while he drove around in every single make of car ever invented which are all in mint condition and kept in his grandfathers barn in Estonia.

While we were spending our time saving our hearing and what shreds of our sanity remained, The Kid managed to get himself pulled out of his house again. Sgt Moon got tired of him not doing his job, like frequent security checks, and wrote him up yet again. So, in response, The Kid put down on paper that Sgt Moon was "harassing" him and that working down there was a "hostile work environment".

Captain CJ, who also seems to be tired of his crap, had him banned from the house. He's now on utility and can be put anywhere but there. He walked around for the rest of the night with a smug little smile on his face like he'd won something.

But I got news for him. Nobody else is going to want to put up with his laziness any more than Sgt Moon was. Very soon he's going to discover that the whole place is a hostile work environment if you are not willing to get up off of your butt and do some work now and then.

Other than that, it was a nice calm night.

Friday I'm schedule to be down in the Sallyport. I'm sure that's going to be a bundle of laughs.

And Friday is going to be Babbling Day. Oh Lawsy. Not again! It's also going to be Mammography Day and Reptile Awareness Day.

All I can say is.... have fun with that.

Passing The Torch (Literally!)

2011-10-19T23:48:00.003-05:00

I've known Sgt Uncle T for a good long time now. He worked in the control center when my wife worked up there and he was her sergeant. And she always made him fancier food than she made me, most of the time. (grin)

I'm probably going to get whacked for that one. Ah, well.

About three weeks ago he quit smoking. Just woke up one morning and said "Frack it! I'm done!" And hasn't smoked since.

I didn't really let on how proud of him I was for that. Proud and impressed. It takes a large sack of coconuts to pull that off cold turkey. Me, I couldn't do it. Not like that, anyway.

The whole time I knew him as a smoker he always carried this old battered Zippo lighter in a leather case hanging on his duty belt. I always admired the case and that Zippo looked like it was an antique. Old brass and battered and dented with an Indian on the face of it. The hinge is loose and held together with a chunk of paperclip and the lid wobbles like crazy when you open it.

That's it there. It looks like something found at Little Big Horn after Custer bit the big wazoo there. So well used and obviously it was his favorite. Imagine the stories it could tell...

Anyway, after he quit smoking, I asked him if I could have his lighter and case. Or just the lighter. Or just the case. I was just being silly, figuring he would never part with it. When I asked he called me a few choice names, like I was asking for his first born or something.

Actually, he probably would have given me his first born easier than his favorite Zippo.

So today he walks up to me and says "I gave it alot of thought." I hadn't a clue what he was talking about. That conversation was a couple of weeks ago.

Then he said "Here you go." and laid the lighter in the case up on the counter. At first I thought he was just fracking with me. Uncle T is known for that sort of thing.

But he was serious. "I don't need it anymore. It's yours." Then he showed me how it clips onto my duty belt.

I was touched. I even got a little misty-eyed there for a moment, but I didn't let it show. That would have embarrassed the snap out of both of us. But I felt like I had passed a test and was being initiated into the Secret Mysteries. Like Thomas Gates learning the first clue to the Templar Treasure.

That lighter is so old and beat up and battered and neat that I'm almost afraid to carry it to work. It's almost like a sacred relic of Raccoon City history. I feel like I should enshrine it in a velvet lined case and let it live out it's days in comfort. Maybe I'll trade off between that and my plain simple brushed chrome lighter. It's still young and can take the abuse better.

Okay, ladies. It's a Guy Thing. But it meant alot to me.

I just wanted to say "Thanks, Uncle T!" You really made my day.

Now I'm going to stomp on a glass and shout "Mazel Tov!"

Thursday is going to be National Brandied Fruit Day. Umm... Yick. That is definitely not my cup of cheese. It's also going to be Miss American Rose Day and Get To Know Your Customers Day.

Yeah. Most of them know me already.

N Is For Nothing

2011-10-18T23:49:00.002-05:00

N is for nothing, which is what I got.

Just me and Sgt Puddle and Vinnie The Bagman (his new mafia name) eating pizza and telling bad jokes and acting the fool which is pretty much normal for us.

About the only thing out of the ordinary was one odd phone call:

"Raccoon City Correctional Center!"

"Yeah. Do you have a car for sale?"

"No Ma'am. This is a prison."

"It is?"

"Yes, Ma'am. Raccoon City Correctional Center."

"Oh! I'm sorry. Umm... Do you have a car for sale?"

"No, Ma'am, I don't."

"Okay, bye!"

And we wonder why the prison population keeps increasing.

Wednesday is going to be Evaluate Your Life Day. Hmmm... Maybe I shouldn't. It's also going to be Hagfish Day (really?) and Medical Assistants Recognition Day.

Break out the decorations!

Then The Phone Rings

2011-10-17T23:47:00.003-05:00

There are, I believe, seven phones in the control center. And at any given time any or all of them can be ringing.

It really sucks when they all ring at the same time. Especially if there are only two of us up there. Things get nuts when that happens.

If you are working "the desk", meaning doing count and running the radio and all, you have two phones to keep track of. One of them is the switchboard phone where all of the outside calls come in. 33% of the calls on that phone are other staff calling in sick. 33% of the calls are staff on the inside trying to make an outside call. The last 33% are the families of inmates making complaints or asking questions or trying to get us to give their little felon a message.

The other phone is the "Desk Phone". That is the line where the houses call in their numbers for count. And that is primarily all that it is used for.

If there isn't an actual count going on, you don't want that phone ringing. Usually that spells trouble or extra paperwork.

I've talked alot about the urge to misbehave on the radio. It's always there, like a barely controlled addiction, just waiting for me to slip and do something stupid. Last Friday I succumbed to a weak moment. Things were kinda busy and Sgt Banty was sitting at the desk doing something with the paperwork. I was right there and hear someone call to close the yards.

Without thinking I leaned over, pushed the button and in my very best Boston accent said "The yahhds ah closed! The yahhds ah closed!"

Just as soon as my finger came off the button the desk phone rang. It was Captain CJ.

"Do we have to use a New York accent on the radio?"

"Actually it was more Boston, Ma'am."

"Uh-huh..."

"I've been a bit nasally, is all."

"Uh-huh..."

"I won't do it again."

"Thank you!"

Ah, well. I could have been worse. I've heard her give some pretty awesome tongue lashings and hope I am never the recipient of one. I think I got off easy.

Tonight I lost all of my composure. Right in the middle of mainline somebody (that evil swine Vinnie) said something that caught me completely sideways and suddenly in the middle of a sentence I completely forgot how to speak English. My face cramped up hard to keep from bursting out with the giggles and the more I tried to speak the more gibberish came out.

I stopped and took a breath and tried again. Nope. Just gibberish and nonsense. I've heard clearer statements from people OD'ing on Liquid Wrench.

Then the phone rang.

"Yah yah yah! What you smoking up there?" Click!

Then the phone rang again.

"What the frack was all of that? Did any of that actually mean anything?" Click!

Then the phone rang again....

You get the idea.

I would have happily flushed that phone and the radio down the toilet and gone home. Instead I spent the rest of the night making fun of myself and saying as little as possible on the radio.

And while I was doing the radio check those other two miscreants, Vinnie and Puddle, were making remarks and odd noises behind my back to see if they could crack my composure again.

I made it through, but it was a close call.

Tomorrow Vinnie can have the desk all to himself. I'll just run the doors and try to behave myself the best I can. I have been thoroughly chastised enough.

Tuesday is going to be No Beard Day. That's an easy one for me. Not allowed and I can't grow a decent one to save my soul. It will also be National Chocolate Cupcake Day and World Menopause Day.

Except for the chocolate part, you may have to celebrate that one without me.

Just Had To Share This

2011-10-16T21:26:00.010-05:00

I just had to share this with you guys. I was the lucky recipient of another one of those cool boxes of stuff from my sister. She lives in Portland, Oregon. And from the things she can buy there, that place must be as close to heaven as you can get.

First off is a box of handmade chocolates from a Chocolatier. We don't have any chocolatiers here in Raccoon City. All we have is Walmart. And don't you know that just sucks. The big thing in the upper right hand corner was a big marshmallow dipped in chocolate. The one in the front center was a Nutter Butter Peanut Butter Cookie also dipped in chocolate. Those were awesome. Saving the rest for later.

Scored a couple more dragons for my walls. Some large, some small. The medium sized one there is a Christmas tree ornament and made out of crepe paper. I'm going to have to build some more shelves!

This paper thing says it will make one of the pictured spheres and that it will take me about four hours to do. I suspect she's trying to kill me. Or drive me crazy. Or maybe both.

Got a handful of some neat rocks that are going to find their way into my fountain right by my reading chair. It's kind of peaceful to listen to while I read, but it does make me need to pee.

This is actually a pen, believe it or not. A little cheerleader and when you push on the thing on her back, she shakes her pom-poms. Hmm... I should have tried that when I was in school.....

Scored some bacony stuff and some Halloween stuff. Sweet! One can never have too much bacony stuff in ones life!

A couple of fairies (watch it!) some guy swinging something strange on a stick (he must be from California) and some of the smallest little critters I have ever seen. I tossed down a quarter there for size comparison.

And finally, the tribal design skull. This thing is so cool. If I weren't already doing my office in steampunk I would do it all in skulls. Hmm... Maybe I can find a cool way to combine the two...

Anyway, I just wanted to brag a bit and show you what a cool sister I have and what a lucky dawg I am. Since I rarely get visitors this is about the only place I have to show off my toys.

And I do love my toys.....

Static On The Line

2011-10-14T23:44:00.002-05:00

Some phone company guys have been at the prison installing a new system for the inmate phones the last couple of days.

And boy, those guys have been whining like crazy because their phones aren't working correctly. I got several calls tonight about them. "Yes, the guys are working on the phones. They'll be back up soon." And we even got a few calls from outside from family members.

"My son hasn't called me in a couple of days. Can you check and see if he's all right and give him a message from me?"

"No Ma'am, we can't do that. They are working on the phones. They should be back up soon."

"Can't you go check on him? I can wait."

"No Ma'am, I can't do that. You can call between 8am and 3pm and talk to his caseworker if you like."

"Why can't you just go check on him? You're very rude, young man. Maybe I should talk to your supervisor!"

"Fine. My supervisor is here between 8am and 3pm. Call and talk to him then. Good bye."

**click!**

The new phone company left a bunch of flyers to hand out to the family members when they come for visits. Very colorful brochures with happy smiling people talking on the phone.

I've heard alot of these knuckleheads and how they talk on the phone, whining for money and complaining because they don't get enough letters. I doubt the people back home are really smiling so much.

The best bit of news came when the phone guys were leaving for the night. He told me the new system limits them to fifteen minutes per call. It cuts them off automatically.

They are going to be pissed. I've seen them spend an hour or more glued to the phone at one time. Now each time they reconnect it will cost more money. Someone else's money, of course.

Ah, well.

Hee hee hee!

So here's the weekend lineup:
Saturday- White Cane Safety Day, National Grouch Day, Bridge Day and Sweetest Day.
Sunday- Dictionary Day, Feral Cat Day, National Toy Camera Day and World Food Day.
Monday- Gaudy Day, Bosses Day, Mulligan Day and International Day of Rev Appreciation.

Roll out the banners!

The Experts

2011-10-14T00:12:00.003-05:00

Here's one of those times when I'm going to step away from talking about working in a prison (sort of, anyway) and go off on a tear about something else.

Just to rant a little and get something off of my chest. Don't mind me.

I'm talking about "Experts". I'm sure you all know one. At least one. Maybe more.

They are the people who, no matter what the subject matter is, they have been there done that and have the t-shirt hanging in their closet. They are obviously immortal beings because if you had kept track of their lengthy exploits they would have had to have been alive for centuries at least. And they look so well preserved, don't they?

Not only have they done everything, they also have at least one of every single thing in the world. You could say "It took me years, but I finally got the Louvre to sell me the Mona Lisa." The expert would say "Yours must be a copy. I have the original already." And if you ask for proof they would claim it was in a safe deposit box or stored in their grandfathers basement in Afghanistan or something.

But they already have one. Really.

No matter what you have ever done or thought or considered or saw on a teevee show, the expert has already done it. And perfectly, of course. Landed square on their feet with their toes pointed and got a perfect "10" from the judges.

What sad, empty little lives they must actually lead.

To have to pathologically make up such wild B.S. tales about what their life is like makes me wonder if they have ever actually done anything at all. And it makes you question everything about their life from the very first.

Does he really live in an apartment or in his mothers basement? He's told me for years about his wife and kids. Do they really even exist at all? If he really does own all of that stuff, why doesn't he sell at least some of it and move out of this rat-hole of a town? If he can really do all of those wild things he says, why is he working here for just a little more than minimum wage?

And one of the most amazing and perplexing aspects of the whole deal is that the people who talk so much obvious nonsense never seem to shut up and rest on their laurels. They have to constantly dominate any conversation with tales of their amazing feats when everybody in the room stands there and rolls their eyes, knowing full well he is completely full of crap.

I know more than a few of them. And in a way I feel sorry for them. Like I said, they must lead sad empty little lives in reality. I would feel sorry for them if I didn't constantly want to slap them hard about the chops and scream "Will you shut the frack up for two freaking seconds and quit telling me all this bullsnap nonsense? Nobody here believes a word you say anyway so just shut the frack up!!!"

**sigh** I'm sure that wouldn't work, anyway. He'd launch into some tale about how he got mad and told a five star general the very same thing and then threw him out of his office.

You know, he got the Congressional Medal of Honor for that.

Honestly.

Friday I am up in the Control Center again. And a few times next week. We'll see how that goes.

And Friday is going to be Be Bald and Free Day and National Dessert Day as well as Alternative Fuel Day and National Egg Day.

Hmm.. bald and eggs on the same day. Mere coincidence? I think not.

Apt Monicker?

2011-10-13T00:25:00.002-05:00

Some days I do a lot more listening than I do talking. Granted, once you get me talking it is sometimes difficult to get me to shut up again. I got things to say out loud now and then.

But I tend to do alot of listening. I guess I got one of those faces.

I don't tend to listen to the inmates so much. Although on occasion if one of them needs to vent and they aren't screaming or making threats I have been known to stand there and allow them to let off a little steam. That depends on my mood and their vocabulary.

But when it comes to those of us who are of the non-incarcerated variety, it seems like I am one of the people that get sought out when someone needs to rant about something. Or just bounce ideas around. Or talk about something cool.

Apparently I'm a fair to middlin' good listener.

I got talked to alot tonight. More than usual. Everybody I met had something they wanted to say.

Even on the way home. Normally I'll just crank up my music and drive home on autopilot. Lately I have been jamming to Tom Petty. Peggy Sue came by the other night and had on a Tom Petty concert shirt and that music stuck in my mind. Especially after that big squeezy hug.

Anyway, I gave the Watcher a ride home tonight and he had something on his mind. Something happened down in the Hive that had the potential to go very wrong and the situation got aggravated and almost made worse by people who try to make things more difficult than they should be. It didn't go bad but it was apparently quite aggravating and he needed to let some things go.

I was cool with that. I though to myself "Should I be Sigmund Freud or Father Confessor?" Since Sigmund had some unsavory and expensive habits I decided to go the other route.

I lowered my chin to my chest, eyes half closed. My hands folded across my chest. A perfect picture of someone listening and sympathizing. Nodding understandingly now and then and making little "yes, do go on" noises.

Then I suddenly realized "Oh snap! I'm driving!"

Real good thing I remembered that. Could have gone really bad.

But he got it all off of his chest and seemed happier by the time I let him off at home. A little more relieved, anyway. Not quite so aggravated and tightly wrapped.

I was glad to help. Especially if it's just to listen and agree.

And as soon as I drove off again I cranked Tom Petty back up and made myself happier all the way home.

Oh Yeah.

All right. Take it easy baby. Make it last all night.

She was.... An American girl....

So Thursday is going to be the National Peanut Festival as well as English Language Day, Natural Disaster Reduction Day and Navy Birthday.

Happy Birthday, Navy!

Curse Of The Utility Officer

2011-10-12T00:15:00.003-05:00

I get cut alot of slack around here. I know I do. Most of the Lieutenants like me because I show up for work almost all of the time and I'm always here early and I can and will do almost anything.

Almost anything.

I'm "dependable". Somebody told me that today. I was startled to hear somebody say that. But it is true, up to a point. I can be counted on to show up and do whatever they need me to and not screw it up too bad most of the time.

So I get some cake assignments now and then. Like when I got put up at the front desk last night. It's boring as heck and very little if any actual work to do and I spent most of the night up in the fishbowl with Sgt Puddle and Vinnie and Miz Twang.

Today I got the mail run, which is an easy way to start the day and then I went to A-yard. By the time I got there all the work was already done and all I had to do was walk around until the yard closed.

And once count cleared I stood around on the yard until chow was over and once the yards opened I stood around until they closed again about thirty minutes later.

But when the evening count came around I got hosed because I was the utility guy. The Fireman went to 4 house to count because he's assigned and gets first choice and I got stuck with the count and relief in 2 house with The Guy Who Is So Annoying I Can't Even Come Up With A Nickname For Him.

One and 1/2 hours locked in a bubble with him took years off of my life, I'm sure.

I though about gnawing off a limb to see if I could get away but decided against it. Once you start doing that you get a certain reputation, if you know what I mean.

I survived. My brain feels like it's been sandpapered, but I'm alive.

Sure took a hosing on that deal, though. And Sgt Banty is off my Christmas Card List.

Wednesday will be International Moment Of Frustration Scream Day. Oh, I could have so used that today. It will also be National Emergency Nurses Day, Free Thought Day and Bring Your Teddy Bear To Work Day.

I'm afraid my teddy bear would be considered NSFW, I'm sure.

Back To The Old Grind

2011-10-11T00:27:00.003-05:00

Well, that lazy layabout Vinnie finally came back to work this weekend after being gone with a broken finger for over a month.

What with Stubby bidding back in and the delectable Miz Twang being back off light duty that means that my time in the fishbowl has probably come to an end for now.

I mean.... I'm glad Vinnie came back and Miz Twang is back at work and all... But I still have a lot to learn up there. Lots of things I don't know yet about working the control center.

But I learned enough to hopefully step up just in case we have a bad night and they need a pinch hitter, which is what I went up there for in the first place. Wasn't really looking to make a career of the place. But I am going to miss being up there in the thick of things.

On the other hand, the place was frightening and daunting and aggravating and sometimes very stressful. Things tend to happen quickly and there is a lot of responsibility up there when things go bad. You have to know how to make a decision and who to call when you don't have all the facts and all of the bazillion people who have to be kept in the loop at all times.

I don't think I'll miss that part of the job. Not so much. But I'll miss the people. Good folks, all of them. And if I had to be locked in a twelve foot square glass fish tank for eight hours, I don't think I could find a better crew to be locked in with.

Well, a couple of them could be more attractive, but that's neither here nor there. Just aesthetics. Ya know?

So I guess I'm just going back to being a utility infielder for now. The go anywhere and do anything and not complain too much about it guy. Well, except for those long distance outcounts, anyway. I'm not too good with those. I get lost easily. But other than that, I'm good.

I will kinda miss talking on the radio, though. Once I got used to it, that part was kind of fun.

Tuesday is going to be It's My Party Day, National Coming Out Day (oh, boy) and National Face Your Fears Day.

What if you're scared of coming out parties? That would be a tough one.

Go Ask The Old Man

2011-10-07T23:15:00.002-05:00

Holy cats. There have been a few things lately that have made me feel really old. And tonight was definitely one of them.

They had me scheduled to work 2-10 at 2 house with Miz Chatterbox and Peachfuzz. I was planning on spending alot of time in the wings and outside. There's only so much information I want to absorb in one night And Miz C tends to fill me up quickly. But she called in so they sent us Beach Boy.

I think Peachfuzz and Beach Boy together are as old as I was when I first started with the department. Young as heck.

At one point I leaned over by Peachfuzz and sniffed and said "Yup! He's still got that new smell to him!" I'm surprised they didn't both smell like baby powder. Sheesh.

None of us really knew the house. Sure, we'd all worked there a few times. But all three of us were utility officers and didn't know the routines of how the house runs.

So every time something came up, they would both look at me. I'd stop and raise an eyebrow and look back at them, waiting for one of them to make a suggestion. Then I'd say "Okay, do it this way." Neither one of them wanted to make a decision.

That's fine. I can remember being new and running into things outside of my purview. And I can remember years ago hearing someone say "Go ask the old man. He'll know what to do!"

Now tonight I was the "Old Man" in a house I didn't know very well. It felt good that I made the seemingly correct decisions. After all, they weren't very hard to begin with. Nothing went bad and nobody got hurt, so it went well.

I suppose I should have tried to turn it into more of a learning experience for them. I could have asked "Well, what would you do?" and see if they came up with the same decision I had. I need to start trying to think more in the mode of a supervisor instead of being the guy who says "I know how to do this, I'll go do it."

If I put my mind to it, I can probably teach somebody something now and then.

It feels kind of funny. Part of the time I am up in the control center where I am new as can be. There's still a bazillion things I need to learn up there. I'm a control center newbie.

But in other places I'm the old man. Like I was one of the original settlers or something. Jeez.

Maybe next time I'll just try whacking them with my cane and see if that works.

Young whipper-snappers, anyway.

So here's the weekend lineup:
Saturday is going to be American Tag Day, Alvin C. York Day, National Depression Screening Day, Universal Music Day and National Pierogy Day.
Sunday will be Moldy Cheese Day, Lief Erikson Day, National Chess Day and Clergy Appreciation Day. Support your local Rev!
Monday is going to be National Angel Food Cake Day, International Newspaper Carrier Day, Native American Day, Naval Academy Day and World Mental Health Day.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

10-6-2011

2011-10-06T23:56:00.003-05:00

Friday I am 2-10 at 2 house. Without a single regular person in the place. Hoo boy.

Luckily, it's 2 house. Nothing ever happens there.

And Friday is going to be National Frappe Day (whatever a frappe is) as well as Cephalopod Awareness Day, National Denim Day and World Smile Day.

That felt really strange.

Making Cutbacks

2011-10-05T23:23:00.002-05:00

Due to the economic downturn we are regrettably going to be laying off a significant portion of the staff here at Attitude and Pepper Spray and making some hopefully temporary cutbacks in the postings.

Actually my life has gotten kind of boring and very little is happening. And I am tired of trying to do the Seinfeld "It's a blog about nothing!" deal. It's getting to be a chore.

So instead of posting every day and saying that nothing happened, I think I will just wait until something significant does happen or I get a good idea for something to write about, then write about it. I need to go back to taking notes again.

For those of you who were showing up every day, thank you. And don't worry. I'll be around.

If nothing more than to post the next days calendar.

Thursday (bacon and egg salad on the yard day!) is going to be German-American Day and Come and Take It Day and Mat Hatter Day.

More tea, anyone?

Forgot What I Was Going To Name This Post

2011-10-04T23:45:00.003-05:00

Even though I am glad I am not down in the Hive anymore, I still miss the simplicity of being there every day. I knew when I had to come in and I had a reasonable idea of what I was going to do and when I would leave.

Of course I never went in thinking "Okay, I'm going to find some idiot and spray him and slam him and be here until 2:00 am doing paperwork."

Sometimes it happened that way, but I never planned for it. Hey, it's prison. Snit happens.

But now that I'm somewhat of a free agent there's people asking me to come work with them all the time. And I know that soon I am going to need to find a place to settle down in so I can get myself back in a routine. I really like knowing where I am going to be and what I am going to do every day.

It's kind of boring but it's comfortable. And I am all about personal comfort.

Heck, even when the Hive was at it's worst and craziest I was comfortable down there. It was my house and I knew what to do and when to do it and how to get it done.

I don't like change, so much. Even though things are changing constantly here I find my own personal comfort in my routines, even if they are small ones like when to show up and where to go. I could get comfortable in places I really don't like to work that much, like the regular housing units or the comm room or dining. They are not my favorite places to work but I could get comfortable there if I had to.

I'm trying not to rush into anything without thinking long and hard about it first. But I do need to find me a new home soon and quit all this wandering about.

Guess I'll just keep my eyes and my mind and my options open for the time being and see what happens.

Wednesday (my day in the hopefully calm Comm room) is going to be the National Storytelling Festival, World Teachers Day and Balloons Around The World Day.

It all sounds like alot of hot air to me!

Bad Image

2011-10-04T00:13:00.003-05:00

I remember way back when I first started thinking about writing a blog. Other than having a place to rant and blow off steam (I really needed that then, more than I do now) was a chance to try and correct the image that people have of corrections officers in general.

Like most people, before I started working here I had absolutely no idea what it was like inside of a prison. All I knew what what I saw on movies and mainstream teevee. Shawshank Redemption and Green Mile and Big House and Lockup. And all I knew about corrections officers was that they all seemed to be either sadists or ex pro wrestlers or big bellied good ol' boys like the sheriff from "Smokey and the Bandit."

Then I actually got inside and found out that most of my preconceived notions were wrong. Sure, we have our share of idiots. A few hotheads and troublemakers and nogoodniks who do little more than cause trouble for everybody else and make us all look bad. Those are the ones who end up on the news and make people say "Those people are no better than the inmates!"

Because that is what alot of the public thinks about us. They watch the same teevee shows I did.

Often when I run into someone who doesn't know me and I tell them I work at the prison they look at me sideways like they are trying to see if I'm some sort of serial killer in disguise. Obviously I'm not big enough to be an ex wrestler. And my belly isn't quite big enough to run for sheriff.

And they are quite surprised to find that sometimes I can be quite pleasant when I'm not provoked. I can actually read and write. I'm not an alcoholic and I don't beat my wife (she'd kick my butt if I tried, anyway) and I'm not "on the take" for some drug cartel.

Like 99.9% of the rest of us, all over the country and probably all over the world. We are just here trying to do a job and support ourselves and our families the best we can and go home in one piece at the end of the night.

Fame? Nuh-uh. None to be had here. Not unless I do something phenomenally stupid. That's more like infamy, anyway. And people expect that from us.

Fortune? No way, Jose! Even if I were corrupt it wouldn't be worth the consequences. With our obviously ridiculously high pay and outrageous benefits package I should be happy to do my job at half the wages! (You'll note I have a very snarky look on my face right now.)

Survival? Yeah, that's about it. Like I said this evening talking to Sgt Banty, this is the only true growth industry left in this country. Until we start shipping our inmates to Mexico or Pakistan or China, there will always be jobs to be had with the DOC.

Man, I sure hope nobody takes that idea seriously. I think. Maybe.

But, unless this blog goes super mega viral and gets translated into a hundred languages, I suspect we will always be stuck with this horrible public image.

Maybe, if we're lucky, our image will keep a small handful of real morons from applying for the job. And that's always a plus, in my book.

Tuesday is going to be National Golf Day, World Animal Day, Improve Your Office Day, Cinnamon Roll Day and Ten-Four Day.

Yay!

Porgie

2011-10-01T00:22:00.003-05:00

What can I say about my friend Porgie?

Well, for one thing if you met him outside of work it would never even cross your mind that he might work in a prison. A toy factory, yes. A prison, no.

Of course it shows how bad my predictions are. When I first met Porgie I thought "That man won't last five minutes inside there! They will eat him alive!" But it's been what.... years now. And Porgie is still around. Just the same as he was that very first day.

I would say he's a "simple man" but that doesn't really describe him very well. There's sort of a connotation with that makes him sound like he's stupid. And Porgie is far from stupid.

But he does play that role very well. And he uses the fact that other people think he is stupid to get them to do his work for him. Luckily for us, we know better and make him do his own work.

Porgie is nice and mellow and a bit meek and mild. I don't think he would really be of any use at all in a major dustup but if there's normal ordinary things to do like wing walks and packing property of just generally "keeping an eye on things" then Porgie is your man. he's the guy you would leave in the bubble if something bad happened. He wouldn't get the doors open quickly, but he would get them open.

I was running a house bubble tonight around my least favorite time of the day. When all the inmates were coming back from chow. At first it's a trickle, then a stream of them. All coming in through the same door and going to four different wings and calling for their doors to be opened. I know I am supposed to be controlling the flow in the house when I am up there but it still gets to me. I get aggravated and I've had a lot on my mind lately anyway and I started getting pissed off.

Good old Porgie stepped in and said he would get them back in and that I should just sit down and relax for a few minutes. He sat down and started popping doors at the slow to medium pace he does everything at, letting them in gradually. Every now and then he would just stop and hit the intercom button and say "I'll get to ya as soon as I can, fellas. I'm doing the work of six men up here!"

And they would all laugh and he would go back to popping doors again, slowly but surely. I just shook my head.

Later on in the evening Porgie and I were out front having a smoke when somebody called a fight on the yard. Being the bubble officer, I wasn't supposed to go. I looked at Porgie and said "You going?" I should have known better. He looked at me and said "Well Rev, do you think I should?" It would have killed me if he had gone. He would have stuck his hands in his pockets and ambled that direction like he was looking for a flower shop.

Instead I said "I got this!" and took off running. The last thing I heard as I hit the end of the walk was "Rev, do you really think you should go? You're the bubble officer!" I just shook my head and ran anyway. Luckily I got there late and didn't have to get involved. I probably would have gotten a good frowning at for being out of the bubble.

And Porgie went back in the house and did things at his own pace and everything in the house went just fine.

Maybe I should try to be more like him.

Here's the weekend lineup:
Saturday- World Vegetarian Day and Magic Circles Day as well as World Card Making Day.
Sunday- Name Your Car Day, Change A Light Day and Techies Day.
Monday- Virus Appreciation Day (oh yeah, like that's gonna happen), Child Health Day and World Habitat Day.

Good luck stringing those together!

The Wounded

2011-09-30T00:39:00.003-05:00

For some reason we have a record number of staff members on "light duty". That means that they have been injured at work and are now lost in the bowels of Workmen's Compensation. They still have to come to work, but they are not allowed to do any actual work inside of the institution except under very strict circumstances.

We have had quite a few shoulder and back injuries of late. I don't know why.

Some of these people are my friends. Like Sgt Miz P and until just recently, Miz Twang. I know what happened to them and how they got hurt and I saw them almost every day just itching to come back to work.

But there are some people I wonder about. A couple of people who have been on light duty more than they have been inside the institution.

Let's just say I have my suspicions and leave it at that.

While most of the time we don't have to do a whole lot of actual physical work here at the prison, there are times when we have to be extremely physical if an offender is out of control. That's just the nature of the beast.

And if you are too frail to take care of business when it comes down to a donnybrook then you need to find somewhere else to work. Maybe a desk job or something. Somewhere else.

I believe I'll just leave it at that and walk away now. I already made myself mad about this once today and I don't need to do it again.

Tomorrow I'm schedule to be in a bubble somewhere. Not really all that thrilled about the idea. But I've learned that I can do almost anything for eight hours.

Friday is going to be National Mud Pack Day. I'm not sure I care much for the sound of that, whatever it may be. It will also be Blasphemy Day and Hug A Vegetarian Day.

What a combination.

Admitting My Ignorance

2011-09-29T00:22:00.002-05:00

My night in the comm room/P-car. Was looking forward to a fairly calm night with no drama.

I got that, for the most part. Except for one small incident.

Brother D is out for a hunting vacation and they sent some new kid up there. I say "kid" because he looks like he's about fifteen. I know he has to be over twenty one because it's a requirement to get the job. But man, he don't look it. I was half tempted to card him when he came in the door. Young and chipper and full of energy.

Heck, he still had that "new smell" on him. (grin)

At any rate, when I went to swap him out in the P-car I decided to check and make sure the shotgun was loaded and correctly. I know they carry out so many rounds and they are counted twice and someone watches the loading when they first get in the car. When Brother D is there I know there are so many in the side saddle shell holder and so many extra in the case so there are six rounds in the weapon. That way I don't need to completely unload and reload it to check.

But this new kid was an unknown so I decided to check. And while I was unloading the weapon I saw something fall out of one of the shells and down into the open chamber.

I said "What the snap? Oh, this aint good."

Holding the shell over my hand I shook it and some more stuff fell out into my hand like a salt shaker. As a matter of fact, it looked like the salt they put on pretzels.

Right about that time Peggy Sue came up and she saw me doing that and said "Oh, that aint good!" And then I got another one of those fabulous squeezy hugs that helped me forget about it for a moment. That was nice. But then I had to shake myself and slap myself around some to get my mind back on my problem.

Called Sgt Puddle on the radio and showed him and he said "Oh, that aint good!"

There was this funny echo going on, apparently.

So I finished unloading the shotgun and cleaned a few grains of that mystery stuff out of the chamber the best we could. It looked like we got it all out. If that had been a rifle I would have handed it over and said "I'm not carrying this thing." But being a shotgun I figured it was probably okay.

But I have no idea what that stuff was. I know the pellets are round and gray and the powder is usually black and flaky. I know how to load it and unload it and how to shoot it and which end makes the most noise and which end never to put your lips on and that's about it.

I'm not a firearm aficionado, you see. I like guns and I like shooting for fun and if I had the time and the money I would have a few of my own to play with. But I would never be what you would call a serious hunter or anything like that. Just a weekend target shooter.

So if anybody has any ideas about those mystery grains of stuff, I'd like to hear what it was. For all I know, it could have been a salt shaker made to look like a shotgun shell.

Knowing this place, it wouldn't really surprise me all that much.

Thursday is going to be Poisoned Blackberries Day. Oh, that can't be good, either. It's also going to be VFW Day and National Coffee Day.

I'd shy away from any blackberry coffee, though.

Search, But No Seizure

2011-09-28T00:03:00.003-05:00

Well! Despite what the schedule said, I got nowhere near three house this evening. Not that it's a good thing or a bad thing. I got nothing against that house or their crew. Just stating a fact.

Uncle Scary was going to be late so they stuck me on the wobblehead yard until he got there. And sure enough, as soon as I got his IP and building checks done, he showed up. Ah well.

Got to spend most of the rest of the night on B-yard as an extra. That was somewhat startling. Usually if we have an extra they don't stay there all night. But I did. Well, most of it. And we had two OJT's out there as well. Don't know quite what to make of them yet. It's much too early to tell.

But I do love listening to the new people on the radio. They mess stuff up much worse than I do.

Since Sgt Uncle T had Sausage and St Francis and the two OJT's out there, he held me back and I pretty much did diddly-squat most of the night.

But there was a price to that, of course. He's taken to calling me his "pet". So I had to put up with being called "Fido" and people barking at me all night.

That's okay, Uncle T. I know where you sleep.

Later on in the evening I got sent on a "secret detail" up in A-visiting. I wasn't allowed to know what I was doing until I got there. Turns out we were doing staff searches on midnight shift as they came in.

And believe me, nobody looked like that picture up there.

The really surreal part of it was, it was Lt Pistachios last night. He's retiring. And they set up his little retirement party right on the other side of the room. So on one side as they came in we were searching lunch boxes and patting them down and making everybody take off their shoes and such. Then as they got done they got cake and ice cream and soda as they went out the door.

I hate staff searches. Personally I think they are insulting. On the other hand, we all know people who have brought things in. Sometimes dangerously stupid things. There was an officer a few years ago that was so adept at finding prison made weapons (shanks) that we were all pretty sure he was making them himself and bringing them in just so he could find them. And somebody else that found so many tattoo guns we were beginning to suspect the same thing about him.

Just like the cell phone they found........

Never mind. I'm not going there.

So many times in so many places staff at prisons have been caught bringing in really stupid things. Drugs, weapons, cell phones, etc. We all know it happens. And there's always someone willing to do something that retarded for whatever reason.

But that doesn't make me like being searched or searching my fellow staff any better. I still find it insulting.

And I am very happy that we didn't find anything stupid.

Wednesday is going to be Ask A Stupid Question Day, Fish Tank Floor Show Night, Rosh Hashanah, and National Good Neighbor Day.

I think I'll go ask my neighbors fish if they are Jewish. That should cover everything.

Nearly Stepped In It!!!

2011-09-26T23:42:00.003-05:00

For a day that showed such promise in the beginning, it sure went downhill quickly. And I almost stepped off into the pile without even thinking.

Had a visit from a couple of angels this morning. Not many lucky guys get visits from angels dressed in camo BDU's. But I'm just awesomely lucky that way. Miz Archer and Miz Twang were out for E-squad training and came by the house on their lunch break. Yippee!

I gotta tell ya. Hugs from pretty girls are the best way to get awake and get your blood moving.

Mmmmm...... (happy smile)

While she was here Miz Twang asked "Are you calling out today?"

When I asked why she said "I heard they might pull Sgt Puddle and leave you up there by yourself."

Oh snap. Well, it's a Monday. No transfers. I should be able to do it. I hope anyway. Oh snap.

That thought lingered in my head while I showered and got dressed and packed my lunch and got ready for work. And all the way to work listening to Elvis Costello on the CD player I felt like a paratrooper standing in the door of a C130 looking down at the beach at Anzio or some place like that waiting for the green light so I could jump.

And all the while I'm thinking "Oooooooooohhhhhh snap."

When I got there the desk was a mess. Panda had papers strewn everywhere and his breakdown board looked like ants had crawled all over it with ink on their feet. The breakdown board was the base for what we started all of our house count numbers from. They had apparently moved people all over the camp today and he had taken notes all over the thing, totaling and re-totaling.

He started to get up and leave and I said "I hope you are printing me a new breakdown sheet!"

He's supposed to do that before he leaves.

When he went to make a new sheet was when everything went to snit. Got down to the bottom and he was off by one. Definitely no good. Luckily for me Sgt Puddle showed up and between the two of them they managed to find his mistake.

Almost an hour later.

I did most of my prep work for the 4:30 count on the back panel by the printer but couldn't even start checking to see if the numbers were right until he gave me the base totals to start from. When he finally said "Here, I think it's right." and bailed it was 4:00 and I had to hit the ground running.

I don't think I have ever in my whole ever loving blue eyed natural life written down so many numbers and added them up so fast. And the whole time my fingers are rattling against the keys of the calculator the tightly wrapped and aggravated voice of Leonard "Bones" McCoy was echoing in my head: "Dammit Jim!! I'm a doctor, not an accountant!"

Sgt Puddle told the Captain that our count might be bad. And why. And bless his little black heart he decided to stay down at the front desk rather than come up in the control center to be closer to the action. I didn't need an upset Captain leaning over my shoulder right then.

When my pencil finally fell back to the desk top it was 4:28. Two minutes to count. I thought it was right. I suspected it was right. I hoped it was right. But it was much too late to go over it again. All I could do was hold on to the ripcord of my emergency chute and hope it worked.

One hand was answering the phone and the other one was writing down the numbers as they came in. In the meantime I chewed my fingernails all the way up to elbow and gave birth to about twenty litters of kittens.

When count finally cleared you could have knocked me over with a feather. I seriously thought about just disappearing under the desk for a long nap or to play with all of those imaginary kittens for awhile.

Instead I went outside for a smoke. What we really need is an emergency bottle of whiskey at the front desk for things just like that. One stiff belt would have done wonderful things for the state of my nerves right about then.

Maybe I should put in a work order. Think they'll go for it?

Nah. Me neither.

On Tuesday I will be somewhere besides the control center.

Feeling pretty good about that.

It will be Crush A Can Day, Ancestor Appreciation Day, the Peregean Spring Tides, and World Tourism Day.

I'm feeling better..... Think I'll go for a walk.....

Unfamiliar Territory

2011-09-23T23:38:00.003-05:00

Several things combined together to knock me off kilter just a little bit tonight. I woke up feeling kind of stuffy and sinusy and had a bit of a headache. I really though about calling in sick but I had looked at the chrono the night before and knew how short we were on shift already.

And you know how guilty I feel when someone else gets jerked around or hurt when they get put in my spot. Me and my neuroses go back a long ways. At any rate, I don't call in unless I'm at death's doorstep.

I try not to hang out there much. Depressing place. Dusty as all get out.

At any rate, by the time I got ready and actually drove to work, I felt considerably worse. It may have been the change in elevation. After all, Raccoon City is a whopping 145 feet higher than Leadbibleton, where I live. That kind of change in pressure isn't good for your sinuses. My headache had settled in behind my right eyeball, set up housekeeping, ordered pizzas and invited it's friends over to poke long needles into my brain.

And everybody I encountered looked at me and said "Gee Rev! You look like hell!"

That kind of thing always works to make you feel so much better.

I felt about as perky and summer fresh as a tattered gym sock abandoned in a drainage ditch somewhere in rural coal mining country.

But I digress.

They also had me in Brother D's spot, which was very strange. The man is usually healthy as an ox and almost never calls in sick. Yet he'd been home sick all week. I think it had been quite some time since I had ever had to work that spot.

His post is exactly opposite of mine on Wednesdays. On that day I do Comm room, p-car, comm room. He does p-car, comm room, p-car. I know it doesn't sound like there's all that much difference, but there was just enough to throw me off. For one, I wasn't used to having to go get a shotgun and put it in the car and load it. When brother D is there, it's already in the car and I just check to see if it's loaded. Walking through the front lobby with a shotgun was a very strange feeling.

And walking back in with it at the end of shift was just as strange. I got some funny looks. I wondered if I looked more disgruntled than sick.

I also forgot that I was supposed to go get gas in the p-car at some point during the evening. Once again, Brother D always takes care of that and I don't have to mess with it. He likes to go down and chat with the maintenance guy while he's fueling up.

It wasn't until I was halfway across the parking lot to go home that I remembered that. But I only used 1/8th of a tank so it should be fine. If anybody even notices I'll get razzed, but little more than that.

The whole night was just far enough off of my usual routine that I felt like...

Like when you tip back in a chair and almost fall over but catch yourself at the last second.

Just like that. Weird and disconcerting and I'm glad it's over.

Now I can be sick and miserable in my own bed. Huzzah.

A quick lineup for the weekend:
Saturday- Festival Of Latest Novelties, Responsible Dog Ownership Day, Fish Amnesty Day and Punctuation Day.
Sunday- National Comic Book Day and National One-Hit Wonder Day
Monday- National Good Neighbor Day and National Pancake Day.

Celebrate! Just do it quietly, okay? I still have a headache.